Pushing My Partner Away.

[Elena Farely]

Today, I visited my partner after some blood tests. I really enjoy seeing him. He's very supportive and loving. Understands my situation. But recently after my first post with bits and pieces of my past, things I repressed have started to come back with small triggers. Mainly if I had a random burst of sadness or something triggers sadness in me.

We were lying in bed just hugging up to each other. And something triggered in me and I started to feel a bit depressed. He noticed I was unhappy and started to pet my head/hair and I started feeling scared and I kept facing away, inching myself away from him. He picked up that something was wrong and kept asking until I told him what happened. He kept trying to comfort me and I, being as stubborn as I am, kept deciding that I should leave so I don't continue to upset him.

And he sometimes thinks I'm scared of him. I'm not scared of him. Just small triggers start something. When I'm with him, It usually leaves after a bit of comfort and helping me realise it's only him. Not someone who's done something to me. I don't want to push him away but it feels like I am.

Recently, after all that has happened lately, I've wanted to distance myself from others, but at the same time, I just want my partner with me. But I feel it makes him upset with all these problems. Which makes me isolate myself and push myself away from everyone. Even though I sometimes don't want to. But I feel it's better that way.

 

[Eleanor]

It sounds like you guys need a lot more information about PTSD and maybe some help communicating too. It is good that you are here - could you share some of the information about PTSD and triggers with him so he has a better idea of what might be going on with you?

I know that isolating is a really strong impulse in sufferers - and I can't tell you when you should and when you shouldn't - but it would help you to figure it out if you used some of the "reality checking" cognitive tools that Anthony talks about... sorry don't have links to hand... but look at the evidence and see if it serves you (not just your feelings) to isolate. Sometimes it does, and a lot of times it doesn't....

 

[BigBear]

Elena,

It's taken 15 years for me and angel to get where we are. It really did start out that way, just the way you said it is for you and him. I'm the supporter, so I can explain a lot of what your man is feeling.

The big thing is the communication. Think of it as a masters level course. It will take at least 6 years of in depth study to get to that level. When you get there, do you know it all? NO! But you have all of the tools to keep after it.

Now for the good news. Every step you take makes the next 20 easier. There are harder and easier times, but you are always gaining. When you are climbing a mountain you cross many peaks. They are not the goal. You may not be able to see the goal ahead of you. But if you look back, you can always see how far you've come.

I promise it's worth it. But, "You got to be determined".

Bear

 

[Magnoliagal]

It has taken me LOTS of therapy and time to get to the point where I didn't want to push my husband of 20 years away. I wanted him and was scared of him all at the same time. He'd hold me and I'd literally feel like I couldn't breathe. He was understanding though. He gave me all the space I needed and didn't push.

Now I'm babystepping my way towards him. I'm not scared of him anymore. Other people yes but not him. LOL

My sincere advice is keep working at it and take it slow. Learning to trust is no easy feat for ptsd sufferers but it can be done. I promise. :)

 

[Elena Farely]

He has been diagnosed with PTSD but from what he has told me, it's nothing like what I went through or as large and extended over a decade. But even the small things do have a large affect on people but he seems to be ok. I do not know what he think sometimes, I do not know if he is having troubles or not. But he is very open with me and as persistent as I am, I want to help him with his problems as he helps me.

He also has Autodidacticism (He teaches himself in things of his interest, sometimes just utterly random stuff). He knows about PTSD and most of what I've been through but the small triggers I have can be random so it is hard to pin point things. A lot of things I have repressed but recently started to come back with small triggers

I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist (Next appointment is on the 18th, so it's a bit away) at the service which my partner (He also went there) recommended that I do and I have had trust issues in the past with school counsellors and am still having some troubles trusting these psychiatrists. Although, I know they are bound by law unlike my previous school counsellors. I'm planning to show the psychiatrist my first post in the welcome forum because I find it easier for her to read that then trying to explain it all in just under an hour. Which I'm hoping to get some help with.

Elanor, if you could please find that thread for me, I'd very much appreciate it. I'm new to this forum and am still working it out a little. Different to other forums I used to use.

The triggers are completely random and can be sometimes caused by anything that is done or said. And it's hard to sometimes control what comes out of it. Because the things I've repressed can be small things can I can move past which is good. But some take a bit of time to walk past. Yesterday was somewhat of a small thing but we did come over it and I try to remind myself that it's him. Not others who did it to me.

My biggest issue right now, is that I am going back to work after being in and out of hospital for unrelated reasons and I'm worried that the children I work with may cause a trigger. I've let my boss know about my conditions, including the depression, BPD, PTSD and other things. She is fine with it. Offers me all the support I need and understands that some days I cannot work or continue to work (I'm only a casual but still). It's a surprise she has not said that I can no longer work with my conditions. But a lot of the children I work with have a secondary attachment to me and recognise me easily in town from a distance away.

But thank you all for the advice. I appreciate it :3

 

[Eleanor]

I was thinking (in the first place) of this post which is about anxiety

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/coping-skills-you-can-use-when-you-dont-have-much-time-or-privacy.23637/#post-334984[/DLMURL]

But it is the same thing really... I'll try to find the other one I was thinking of...

 

[Elena Farely]

There are small things he does that makes me uncomfortable but I let him do them anyway. It makes him happy. That's really all I want. If he's happy then I'm happy. It's a bad thing to live by, but it's all I want. He can sometimes tell "by the way I look at him or the way I react". Some things he doesn't know for sure.

But a late thank you for the link. Appreciated.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Although, I know they are bound by law unlike my previous school counsellors.

Did someone say... "bound by law"