History Of Suicide

[Christian Price]

First this is a great place; very happy to be here I've felt out of place all of my life so it's good to be here. I surivied a self inflicted gun shot wound when I was 16 years old. It was implied that I lost my life during the day. They did not have to tell me I sensed it growing up. When I woke up in the ICU I wanted to celebrate I survived but the new enthusiasm was quickly tempered with the shock and horror as society got a full dose of what I done to myself. I literally felt like a reanimated monster. My body covered in scars, shrapnel left in my body and the bullet hole near my heart pulsated with each beat of my heart. I spent a year with a
Physiologist and that was all of the counciling I recieved. I went into the woods to die because I'd been depressed for 10 years; it begain with the divorce of my parents escalated to my fathers abusive nature. I had chainsaws swung at me, beat until I bled and locked into a chair for days on end. I wanted to escape and go somewhere safe...why I shot myself.

After the year he dragged me down to in front of the tree and told me to own what I did; suck it up boy... you did this; so man up and take it. During my 20s I would average 3-5 jobs a year. I could never concentrate. I would see the shooting in vivid detail. I was depressed all of the time... because I couldn't keep a job our finances suffered and my first wife bailed on me... I wound up homeless during this time. The beast (memory) of the shooting was very aggressive. It felt like a rider on horseback was going to ride me down. I was able to get a job as a bouncer and though it didn't pay well I was able to get some rest and the beast went quiet.

I got remarried when I was 30. The cycle started to continue. 3-5 jobs a year. Flashbacks and such. When i get really depressed I can taste the gun powder; it is bitter and has a hint of brass with it. I always see the flash before the roar because light moves faster than sound and the bullet is behind the flash and its comin for me. Wife and I start arguing all of the time. She is upset I don't like people, don't trust them. Don't want to go out and was prone to rage filled bouts of shouting. We end up in counciling last year and the councilor asks me about PTSD... never heard of it.

Fast forward to this year.. economy sucks and I'm a salesman. Bosses are yelling at me; vant make enough income to feed the family. To generate extra money my wife wants me to write a book about what I saw after the shot; how I felt a supernatrual intervention saved my life. So, I open a box to write this book.....

I had to call in sick for a week
I was in the hospital
I feel light on my body
I feel anxiety shake my heart
I've had a headache for three days
Appitite..gone
I am afraid just to sit in the safety of my house
The worst: Is the black out: yesterday I saw the "vortex" or veil again start to pull back and I thought I was going to flippin die; I was yelling for me to run away from it. I was gone, I was not in my family bathroom...
I also see myself walk into the woods with the rifle and load it up; I started yellin "Stop don't do it!"
this is horrible; it feels like detox symptoms. THe hospital was not much good. They just wanted to make sure there wasn't going to be any repeats... I assured them. I cant get into see a MD because of no insurance. The family councilor I believe thinks she is out of her realm... any help with people experienced with this I would be in debt

 

[Christian Price]

Bout of anxiety at 3:30 AM; the beast breaks down the barrier to sleep. I can taste brass/metal in my mouth. Wanted to wake my wife up and sit with me but she needs her sleep..

 

[Hashi]

Hi Christian, and welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry for what brings you here. My situation is different from yours but I've also experienced abuse and other trauma, prolonged depression, and then was suddenly deluged with fear, feelings and memories when I opened the box. I've worked through a lot of it and although it's a very tough journey I wanted to let you know that there are ways through all this.

I'm afraid I have no idea about therapy possibilities where you are, and I hope there are others here who might be able to make suggestions regarding that. I realise from what you say that there isn't any obvious way to get more appropriate/affordable therapy for what you've been through but I urge you to keep trying to find a therapist who can help with this because you've been through a great deal and it's difficult to deal with that without professional support.

I've been able to access low-cost therapy provided by a charity that focussed on the type of abuse I experienced when growing up - the therapist I saw there was a specialist trauma therapist and I was able to talk about later trauma too because it followed from the abuse.

In terms of supporting yourself through this, I suggest looking through this forum and at PTSD self-help books for ways to deal with symptoms - doing things like grounding exercises, deep breathing, journalling and/or blogging here in the trauma diary area etc. You need some practical tools to stop this from completely overwhelming you. I personally take a tough love approach to this - my view is that however hard it is (and I'm afraid it can be very hard), you have to find out about these things, try them to see what help you, then do them consistently if you want to move forward.

I'm also wondering about the supernatural intervention you felt at the time and whether that can help you now. Was it that you felt helped by something/someone, as if it was looking after you or guiding/comforting you? I've experienced something like that and if you want I could say a bit more about how I draw on it now, but I'm aware it might be something different or something you don't want to go into.

Sending you good wishes,

Hashi

 

[Christian Price]

Hashi; thank you

Prior to the shot indeed I prayed. Though I viewed my final act as a form of release I did not want to leave this world. I figured there was alot of ahead of me. I simply could not continue on in the home I had known. In fact I unloaded the rifle and started to walk back home; as I didn't have it in me to do it. I realized I was going to be in a tremendous amount of trouble for not finishing a set task before the abusive parent got home and this was what forced my hand.

When the rifle went off; indeed I felt regret but I figured it was to late for regrets...when the bullet goes there is no hope bringing it back. I did not want to die alone... these were my thoughts. I suddenly felt/heard a voice hail me. It was an energy pulse.. It made me calm down. It asked of me "Name a reason to live"... I thought as fast as I could. Typical stuff for a 16 year old boy did not come to mind: girls...girls..girls or sports, college driving being rich or famou. What I heard: A child's laughter. I felt like I was at home somewhere. I wanted to be a dad. The feeling deposited into my heart is the same feeling I treasure as a dad today. I told it I wanted to live.... It told me to "crawl" I started to run/fall/crash through the woods. The ground would collapse under my feet without warning. It was difficult to move 10 yards; I was between .5 mile and .25 miles away and no one knew I was in the woods; very rural community. I would have made more progress if I walked or jogged for help; but the instinct was it wanted me on the ground. I don't remember cleaing the woods. When I woke up in the ICU I asked why could't open my left eye... they told me "You caused the trauma to your eye by the force of you crawling out of the woods." When I woke up in a field it told me to "call for help" no one could see me where I was laying. I felt like I was yelling under water... so I started to half whimper cry out for help.. A person in a home felt something tug on their shirt to come down to the edge of the field I was laying...

There is a cycle in my life: I get rest, feel refreshed and can take on life... over the years stress starts to pile on me.. I've always kept my shoulder against the door to keep the monster in the box. Eventually I'm spread too thin and the monster starts to open the door... anxiety/depression/ flashbacks so strong I can taste the gun powder in my mouth and see that terrible flash of light... the blood is terrible. I feel like I lose my grasp on reality.. Last time I went through this is in my late 20s I wound up homeless and divorced. I spent basically 2 years sleeping. I got a job as a bouncer and lived on pocket change. Got married and went back into the village.... Over the last 8 years its been building. Really bad last 2 years... I selll cars... wanting to make extra money wife told me to write a book and self publish it about that intervetnion in the woods..... I did that 3 months ago.... that was the key I believe to let the monster out of the box....

 

[Christian Price]

When my anxiety hit me like the full force of the A train in rush hour traffic; the flashback was so strong.. I honestly was gone from this reality for a period of time maybe one to two minutes... what it left me was a "medicine head" fog I can't shake. I've had two black outs this past week. This *fog* is it normal?? Are there chemical changes going on in my head?? I started anti depressants on Wednesday; it can't be from them.... to soon plus this fog has been going on since this started. I wish I could navagate the site more for info but it drains me; to much overload on the brain.

 

[BenzoJess]

I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I am having intense thoughts again and all I know to do is to say you're not alone and we deserve to live.

 

[Hashi]

Christian, have you told your doctor about the blackouts and the fog? You doctor needs to know what you've said here, especially since you're taking medication. I've had a lot of weird symptoms and I've always reported them to a doctor or psychotherapist in case there was something that needed to be addressed or monitored.

I know it's hard to focus on anything, but I recommend you put your energy right now into trying to find a therapist. Can your doctor or family counsellor help you do this? Is there a church or other faith organisation that you feel comfortable with, that might provide counselling or refer you? Can you try some hotlines (for suicide, depression or abuse) and see what they suggest as options for therapy?

We can provide some support but it's not the same as seeing a professional, and I think you really need to talk to someone in real life if your symptoms are so overwhelming. A doctor or therapist can work with you to manage this.

 

[Christian Price]

I've no health insurance. The E.R. provided me the anti depressants. I started seeing a councilor just last week. I am going to see her this week. I've had the fog before starting meds. My wife texts her through the day and I saw her in church today. Today the church elders prayed with me ; six of them. They all have my phone number and are going to text me through the week; so I know I am in good hands. My community knows what is happening. My councilor is also aware of the fog and black out. There is a free clinic here in town and there are docs on hand so I'm being very proactive in getting in to see them and have my care managed there.

I do have a history of suicide and I take it very seriously. I have much to live for. I just have many scars as result of my attempt as a kid that I've never dealt with. I have no plans; I have a contract with several people.. so I am doing everything I am supposed to.

I just don't understand the changes in my head. Like mowing the lawn today was exhausting and not because of the toil; the vibration from the lawn mower tired me out. I usually get it done with no break. I had to take 5 breaks today. My wife had to scold our boys because they were acting up over dinner and it felt like I'd been hit in the forehead with a ball pen hammer the sound of her voice.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Christian, that's a wonderful story of the miracle of survival after a serious suicide attempt. I'm glad you made it through to tell the story! You deserve to live! You deserve happiness and all that you desire in life.

You've been so strong to make it through all of that including your childhood abuse.

Sorry you don't have insurance, however it sounds like you are getting help now which is great!

Welcome to this forum. There's lots of information here, and lot's of people who care and can identify with these types of issues.

Congrats on your book. And your current life and family.

Solo

 

[Trinomial]

Hi Christian,

You should get in touch with a social worker or community mental health center. Often there are services in place greatly discounted or free of charge for people who are uninsured.

Good luck to you.

 

[Christian Price]

I have a my first doctor's apointment this Thursday. I had two very serious flashbacks this morning. Today was my first day back at work. They are being very understanding.

I still feel off. Shaking, eyes sensitive to the sun, two serious flashbacks and I'm mentally exhausted. I'm very irritated with the village. "Oh, great. Your going to get some help, then you can finally stop focusing on the past." I've been public with my shooting for 3 months. The village has only seen me cope with this for 3 months and they are ready for me to say "Ok, I got this figured out." They want me to snap my fingers and say "I'm cool" Heck, it has only been in the last three months of trying to work this through I figured out why I have a phobia of dress socks. Since 1990 when ever I touched a pair of dress socks I thought I would pass out. I lost my shoes that day and I was wearing dress socks and at one point I looked down at my feet and saw my feet and I also saw the trauma I inflicted on myself. I blocked that gem out of my mind. Hated dress socks. But the next time I grab a pair of dress socks my blood may not run as cold.

But my village wants me to go see the doctor once, twice and snap my finger and I'm all good.

 

[Trinomial]

That is common, unfortunately. People think healing trauma is as easy and quick as dealing with a cut or bruise. PTSD is such a personal thing and we need people to respect our feelings and however long it may take to heal.

I typically don't go into much detail with others about what happened, but sometimes I am questioned because of the huge scars on wrists. I do explain that PTSD can take years to work through, and though I might always have symptoms, I am learning to manage the symptoms.

Let us know how you progress if you feel up to it.