Undiagnosed History of trauma and coping strategies that have pros & cons

[Alien0n3arth]

Hi, I’m new here, 36 years old female. I have my therapy and I’m exploring various possibilities of why I’m not fully grown up and inferior to others.

Since my childhood I was in my world, often dissociative, obsessed with trams I used to draw tram line schemes with timetables in my imagined cities, had my imagined friends, I was bullied at school a lot, terribly clumsy, felt like an alien. There was a lot of abuse at home.

I’m terribly naive and everything take seriously. This made me fall into terrible trap. I was sexually abused as a child and also as an adult, also kept hungry and threatened with gun on my head. I survived all this and escaped. And started new life as if nothing ever happened.

10 years later I start feeling the old trauma comes back. I don’t have flashbacks or nightmares, but I often cry without reason. I used to cry before that too, like everything is too much for me. But now I feel it’s worse. I’m very antisocial since ever, because the chaotic group conversations are too much and too fast for me, I can’t keep up, I can talk only to one person.

What saved me sane after all this is my hobby, it was very intense - graphic designing. I could sit hours without even using bathroom and do my project. Thank to this I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol after these events. I also feel kinda like it wasn’t actually me, who went through it. Like I created a separate person and hurried her together with that trauma.

I feel also that it killed my emotions. I was sensitive as a child, experiencing my inner world very intensely with strong emotions which I struggled to identify and express. Now I’m like a stone I can’t feel anything anymore although sometimes I’m trying to force myself. Meds for anxiety and depression also made it even worse. Now I’m very much into aliens and space and still struggling to find connections in real world.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi, I’m new here, 36 years old female. I have my therapy and I’m exploring various possibilities of why I’m not fully grown up and inferior to others. Since my childhood I was in my world, often dissociative, obsessed with trams I used to draw tram line schemes with timetables in my imagined cities, had my imagined friends, I was bullied at school a lot, terribly clumsy, felt like an alien. There was a lot of abuse at home. I’m terribly naive and everything take seriously. This made me fall into terrible trap. I was sexually abused as a child and also as an adult, also kept hungry and threatened with gun on my head. I survived all this and escaped. And started new life as if nothing ever happened. 10 years later I start feeling the old trauma comes back. I don’t have flashbacks or nightmares, but I often cry without reason. I used to cry before that too, like everything is too much for me. But now I feel it’s worse. I’m very antisocial since ever, because the chaotic group conversations are too much and too fast for me, I can’t keep up, I can talk only to one person. What saved me sane after all this is my hobby, it was very intense - graphic designing. I could sit hours without even using bathroom and do my project. Thank to this I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol after these events. I also feel kinda like it wasn’t actually me, who went through it. Like I created a separate person and hurried her together with that trauma. I feel also that it killed my emotions. I was sensitive as a child, experiencing my inner world very intensely with strong emotions which I struggled to identify and express. Now I’m like a stone I can’t feel anything anymore although sometimes I’m trying to force myself. Meds for anxiety and depression also made it even worse. Now I’m very much into aliens and space and still struggling to find connections in real world.

Hello and welcome to the myptsd.com community. I'm deeply sorry to hear about the immense pain and trauma you've endured. I can only imagine how challenging it has been to navigate through life with such heavy experiences in your past. It's important to acknowledge the strength and resilience it took to survive and to begin seeking understanding and healing in your journey.

You are not alone, and many here can resonate with feeling isolated or out of place, struggling with dissociation, and finding ways to cope, like immersing in hobbies or interests—yours being graphic design and space exploration. It's remarkable that you've found solace in your creativity, which can be a powerful outlet and a form of self-expression.

Connecting with others who understand your feelings can be immensely comforting. The peer-to-peer environment here offers a space to share your story and listen to others' experiences, which can foster a sense of understanding and belonging. There are specific forums on myptsd.com where you can explore areas related to childhood trauma, dissociation, and emotions to help you process these complex feelings.

Remember, seeking professional help is a crucial step in healing. Therapists specializing in trauma can offer guidance and support tailored to your needs, helping you navigate the pathways of trauma recovery. Although you feel disconnected from your emotions now, working through these experiences can help you gradually reconnect with your feelings in a way that feels safe and manageable.

We're glad you're here and hope you find comfort in connecting with others on similar journeys. Take your time, engage in discussions as you feel comfortable, and know that this community is here to support you.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

Hello and welcome to the myptsd.com community. I'm deeply sorry to hear about the immense pain and trauma you've endured. I can only imagine how challenging it has been to navigate through life with such heavy experiences in your past. It's important to acknowledge the strength and resilience it took to survive and to begin seeking understanding and healing in your journey.

You are not alone, and many here can resonate with feeling isolated or out of place, struggling with dissociation, and finding ways to cope, like immersing in hobbies or interests—yours being graphic design and space exploration. It's remarkable that you've found solace in your creativity, which can be a powerful outlet and a form of self-expression.

Connecting with others who understand your feelings can be immensely comforting. The peer-to-peer environment here offers a space to share your story and listen to others' experiences, which can foster a sense of understanding and belonging. There are specific forums on myptsd.com where you can explore areas related to childhood trauma, dissociation, and emotions to help you process these complex feelings.

Remember, seeking professional help is a crucial step in healing. Therapists specializing in trauma can offer guidance and support tailored to your needs, helping you navigate the pathways of trauma recovery. Although you feel disconnected from your emotions now, working through these experiences can help you gradually reconnect with your feelings in a way that feels safe and manageable.

We're glad you're here and hope you find comfort in connecting with others on similar journeys. Take your time, engage in discussions as you feel comfortable, and know that this community is here to support you.

Thank you, your response made me cry. I have therapist. He also mentioned autism (high functioning autism) but I’m not sure and I want to explore possibilities of what it may be. I want to find the group where I fit best and belong. I will Check discussions here.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

You’re not inferior to anyone. Not one person on this planet.

But…I get it. I’d say the say thing about myself (and you’d probably give me the same response I just gave you).

One of the many reasons this place rocks. Folks here get it. Not because they’re judging you, but because they live it themselves.

It gets better. Emotions can be awesome and they do come back. And you can grow up in your own sweet time.

Good to have you here:)

 

[Friday]

Aloha!

I agree very strongly with your therapist… you read very much like the intersection of autism & trauma. If that’s not their specialty, do they have a referral for you with someone they respect, who does specialize in HFA & Trauma?

All my best,

Friday

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Welcome. I also escape myself by building things and working in my workshop. I get so focused on what I am doing that life isn’t constantly haunting me.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

Aloha!

I agree very strongly with your therapist… you read very much like the intersection of autism & trauma. If that’s not their specialty, do they have a referral for you with someone they respect, who does specialize in HFA & Trauma?

All my best,

Friday

I’m not sure yet, waiting for my next session. I can say now I understand why it always this - if I get on well with someone it turns out this person has some diagnosis. Autism/Asperger, adhd, BPD, Tourette, ptsd etc. with people without diagnosis I can’t connect as much. Not hate or anything just my experience.

Welcome. I also escape myself by building things and working in my workshop. I get so focused on what I am doing that life isn’t constantly haunting me.

Thank you for your response, I absolutely relate!

 

[Friday]

Autism/Asperger, adhd, BPD, Tourette, ptsd etc. with people without diagnosis I can’t connect as much. Not hate or anything just my experience.

Same.

Although there is the occasional brilliant sparkle in someone neurotypical, that just makes them even more special. For being THEM.

Loooooove finding those gems. Neurotypical or Neurospicy. Amazing people are just WORTH it. For who they are.

ADHD-C & PTSD, here.

 

[Alien0n3arth]

Same.

Although there is the occasional brilliant sparkle in someone neurotypical, that just makes them even more special. For being THEM.

Loooooove finding those gems. Neurotypical or Neurospicy. Amazing people are just WORTH it. For who they are.

ADHD-C & PTSD, here.

Yes, whoever I can have some deeper and meaningful conversations with not only casual small talk and pretending I’m fine and great etc

 

[Friday]

deeper and meaningful conversations with not only casual small talk and pretending I’m fine and great etc

Sometimes the best path to actually being fine? Is people treating us like we ARE fine, instead of broken. Even though they know we’re in a hard place… they still TRUST us. Because, even though they can see we’re f*cked, right now? They believe in us enough to give us the space to self-correct.

It’s a quirky kind of thing.

 

[thursday]

There is a forum called, the wrong planet. It's for people who are on the autism spectrum. It sounds very much to me that you might be on this spectrum. I also created a inner world with personalities in my head. A person inside my head that protected me and knew what to do and say. Confident. I wasn't there myself, I played that person in my head, with other people who where invited. Real people said I was shy and quiet. Somehow I believed they had gotten a manual of how to behave and relate to each other, but mine was missing pages. The things people said without speaking, I was a sort of guessing or trying to understand, but failed. Those pages were not in my manual. Throughout time I learned how to copy behavior and did also Adlerian therapy course. Where i learned to assert myself. Woman and girls on the spectrum are a master in masking. My T thinks I might be on it, but I don't believe so myself.