Monarch said:
When you first started to change that did it take alot out of you? Meaning, did you have to rest and not have the physical or emotional energy to do anything else.
Monica, it is hard work, yes. It takes a lot of time, and this is why I say to people that healing your past trauma is usually the shortest aspect, learning how to manage PTSD takes years because you must now learn to change your personality knowingly vs. your personality changed slowly as PTSD developed, little by little, until it was simply all bad. The harder you work on yourself, the quicker it becomes less straining for you. It will always be a battle for you, have no doubt, but its the size of the battle you fight that changes. I still develop and learn every day, yet it doesn't drain me anymore. Whilst I have changed my thoughts to now be instinctive, to counter the negative with positive, to think before I speak, to rationalize, I still have the negative thoughts, its merely my brain immediately redirects them out and replaces them with a broader thought, less aggressive, open to new things, respect other opinions, etc. I still slip up, but even recognizing that and immediately apologizing and replacing the negative, or countering it, thinking for a few seconds to get out exactly what your trying too in a more positive way. It is constant work, though the effort becomes less as you get better at it.
Monarch said:
I do see that i am getting better with it though, it is just practice, practice, practice.
That is the aim, were you can see a difference your making to yourself and your life. You will see others respond to you differently, because your response is more open. The more assertive you become the better your response will become. You will recognize and approach another who is aggressive towards you with ease and comfort, allowing them a little room and understanding, though if they attack you to hurt, then your personality says walk away or deal with the situation, whatever the right choice is for you. Its a constant learning, though recognizing that our negative thoughts, black and white thinking, all or nothing thoughts, are not correct. We are wrong, you are correct, and accepting that; changing that... it is tough to comprehend. Once you do though, its all downhill from there.
Monarch said:
What else do I have to work on? I have opened up about my trauma's here, in therapy we are still going through them though and that gets disturbing but i already see that i am looking at things from a different perspective, my therp. is impressed by that. I do it really without even realizing it anymore although I don't always have a positive outcome.
What you have to work on is yourself. You have to keep doing what your doing, and as you become better at it as is being recognized by you and your therapist, you then taper aspects out of your life, ie. having to talk about issues that you believe no longer bother you, therapy can be cut back, but you can never stop working on yourself nor analysing yourself, because PTSD will jump you that quick if you think you can let your guard down. Control it, not let it control you. To control something takes constant presence, a presence you must always now maintain within you, consciously be aware that negative thoughts, PTSD, will sneak up on you if you let it, even if you don't let it, it will, but you must catch it quickly. The better you know yourself, the better you will manage your PTSD.
Monarch said:
As for the assertive personality, that I have to work on because i am either hot or cold. I can either walk away and shut down or a get in ther persons face and get loud, when that happens sometimes I don't even remember the incident. Truly people will tell me i was scary and I am thinking all I did was get a little mad at someone and let them know that. That is annoying because I don't see it, how can I see that?
That is black or white thinking style, all or nothing, negative thinking style. You must adapt to change it, instead of responding use pauses in order to allow your mind to process the information correctly, before response. That way you will never respond and then regret it, you will instead be accepting off all your responses because they will truly reflect your true emotional intent, not a negative PTSD one. If you have to pause, think, even tell a person to wait a second whilst you think about the information and find the words that truely reflect what you want to say, say that instead of something you will regret, or don't truly feel, ie. anger is not a feeling, its a response to another feeling.
Its sounds as though your starting to "get it" though monica, and that is promising. It takes every person time to discover this uniquely. Some do it quicker than others. Well done for finding what you are finding, and realising the positive change you can have to influence your own life. Some will never find it because they cannot accept that their PTSD thinking style is wrong, they believe they are right and will never change. Well done to you....
