So I Used To Be A Wiccan... So What?

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Angel2Write)))))

You played your cards from the deck you were given as best as you knew how. None of that sounds worthy of shame from my perspective.

Whose voice in your head is telling you that you 'should' be ashamed of that? Feel free to stop listening to that voice.

Anyone who would 'feel embarrassed' by that (such as your in-laws)...that's ALL THEIR PROBLEM. Their feelings about anything about YOUR life are their own dreck. You don't deserve to give their feelings any space in your head. It's truly bizarre that any human being would dare to say they were 'embarassed' by the actions of another. Really? Our lives are all about them?

Love the ones in your life who are easy to love & accept you as you are. Stop caring about the opinions of those who aren't accepting.

:>

 

[intothelight]

Angel,

I am proud of you for writing them out and your feelings about this. It is important for you to work through these; but also realize there is not one human being who hasn't done things they regret, and most of us will continue to do so. Because I am human, I am fallible.

Sometimes I think forgiving ourselves is the hardest part about recovery. I hope you are able to do this and make peace with yourself. I have a feeling when you find acceptance of your past, and don't judge yourself for being young and searching for acceptance, love, and "truth", you will find peace and wholeness.

(((Hugs)))

Deb

 

[Spiderallis]

There's many different things we can reach for in trying to find those right tools to rebuild ourselves and our worlds. So a few didn't work for you, there's other means to create a life you're proud to live. Keep reaching into the toolbox until the right things makes it easier to create what you'd like.

That said, I'm trying very hard to be polite about this part... What's shameful for one may be a point of joy or healing for someone else. I've found the means to become a better me in some strange places. It's all relative, so I'll relate and say many paths can reach the same destination. If you don't like the view from one, you're free to try another route.

 

[Loner]

I thought about this post a bit today. Most people who's opinions I value AT ALL don't spend time or energy thinking about the life choices of others if they arent destructive or hurtful to others. Its a waste of time to judge the way people choose to spend their lives, its none of my damn business. There are lots of things people do and find fulfilling that I don't really understand or have any interest in, but any judgement I feel for them for doing those things is just a reflection of the self loathing I have, focused outwards.

OK so you were a Wiccan, and I guess you think that is kind of silly. Was it at least an interesting experience? Did you at least meet interesting, if not truly amazing people? If so then it wasn't too bad.

I recently have been considering going to a Rainbow Gathering, this is an annual gathering of some pretty out there hippy type people held at some random somewhat remote location on national forest land every year. I doubt I will agree with these people about all their views, or choose to adopt their lifestyles, but it might be really interesting and I might even learn something from them.

 

[Spiderallis]

I recently have been considering going to a Rainbow Gathering....

I've been to a couple, it's a great crowd. Very diverse group too, just don't let the bunch near the main entrance distract you, that's where the drinkers camp. There's no alcohol in the rest. Fabulous place to be a hug-fiend, I miss that part of it.

 

[Lionheart]

I too was Wiccan for several years. I see it as a function of the soul-searching I needed to do at that time. I don't necessarily like everything I have done in the past, but I accept it as part of my healing process. I think I was searching for love and acceptance from others and also trying to understand 'the creator' and my place in the world.

Just as there was a time I thought I was gay and the times I thought I was bisexual (when I am actually heterosexual),...well let's just say the things I did in the past do not fit into the self-concept I have of myself today.

I think two big factors that come into play for survivors of trauma when "trying on" different religious belief or "alternative lifestyles' is guilt and fear.

Do you think the guilt you feel is a result of Christian teachings that you later learned? Sorry if I am slow to understand your situation, but I don't struggle with the guilt that you seem to have and I am wondering if you are "beating yourself up" or if others have guilted you with their religious views.?.

At any rate, I have found that letting go of the past requires that I honor what it has taught me, so that I can move forward. Hating or disliking my past behavior makes it "stick" to me and then I have trouble processing it and integrating it into my "range of experience."

Anyways I don't know if any of this is particularly helpful to you, but I wanted you to know that I don't judge you and that I wish you peace.

Lion

 

[Loveneverfails]

I guess my two cents would be that the only person who's opinion matters at the end of the day when it comes to what you believe in is you. What you believe in is a personal thing and it differs from one individual to another. No one can tell you what is best for you to believe in or what you should worship. Personally I follow a diverse group of teachings from Buddha to Christ, to Mohammed and even Druidic beliefs. It is what feels right to me and to my spirit.

It is your personal right as a human being to find yourself, exactly like you told me. Sometimes we stumble and do things we don't agree with later, but again like you told me, it's about expressing ourselves the best way we know how. There is no point in regret or shame when it comes to discovering who we are. You and Gizmo both taught me that just this morning. :)

 

[angel2write]

It's never easy to talk about religion (and Spiderallis, I totally get your point & am not bashing anyone who chooses to follow a different path).

My main goal in recovery right now is to stop shouting when I have intrusive thoughts. Most of the intrusive thoughts are of stuff I did in the past that I feel shame or guilt about. I'm trying to figure out how to go back and look at these things in a more forgiving, accepting way (thank you Gizmo & Albatross...)

I really liked what a couple people had to say about those years being about finding myself. My parents were extraordinarily authoritarian. They did their best to control not only my behavior but my mind as well. When I got out on my own, I felt lost. I didn't know how to make choices. I didn't know how to discern between good people and bad people. Worst of all, I did whatever anybody I perceived as an authority figure told me to! I was like a cult member just looking for a cult!! It was terrible.

Looking back it is really hard for me to accept that I did some of the crazy things I did. And I did everything passionately, obsessively, thoroughly and creatively. So I didn't just "dabble" in a few strange things. I really went for it.

I guess what helps the most from reading what you guys said was to think that it was kind of normal for me to be so lost and looking. I just wanted someone to tell me what to DO. And I've been all over the board. New-Age religion, born again evangelical christian, AA & Alanon ever day of the week, then B&D counter-culture all the way to ultra-conservative homeschooling, home-birthing housewife. I'd get dissatisfied with whatever I was doing and read a new book that said it had "the answers" and I'd go after it. I feel like I've been role-playing my entire life. I've been as far into freaky Christian as I ever went into freaky New Age. So where does that leave me now?

Down at the bottom, I think I just wanted to be good. I still want to be a good person. But I don't have any idea how to do it. I don't really know how to choose. I'm 39 years old, married, with four kids, and I'm still not sure who I am.

But I'm working on figuring it out.

 

[The Albatross]

(((Angel))) It leaves you a shameless, gultless place where you've tried many things on for size. Integrate and build up your core personality first... then pick a direction. Unify the fragments I think your on the right track there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Angel))) In 1985 when I was first diagnosed I felt like life had picked me up and shaken every part of me out of me and I was left empty. I went through some terrible years after that because I had to untangle myself from what I had been involved in, because I could not do those things anymore.

I was flooded with memory and out of control emotions. I had to try on alot of things, and slowly figured out what was me and what was not me. It was painfully hard to go through this process. I grieved for years. I was under the wave for years.

I just want you to know that it gets better. You will be ok. it will all turn out well, you just wait and see. It is a process. It is not your fault. You were cast into the world with no loving guidance and stability. You were cast into the world to figure out everything on your own. I call those the painful and costly lessons life had to teach me. I even had a few people warn me, but I thought I knew what I was doing.

I was not real. I too jumped into everything head first and immersed myself in it. I outgrew everything. i just kept on my quest looking and searching for truth. It would lead me into things, and ultimately lead me out. That is where the many retraumatizations and secondary woundings came into play. I was raised to be the perfect victim. I did not know that. I was groomed to be the perfect victim. Thus the school of hard knocks was particularly hard on me.

But that is not me now. For the last year, I have had great stability. I love stability, where I can count on people and things. I have had no crazymaking, or high drama this past year and I am 58 years old. It took along time to get here. But I lead a very quiet and peaceful life now. I do not get caught off guard as bad as I used to. I have boundries and a measure of self esteem. I am working very hard on not beating myself up, because it only makes me feel bad.

I want to feel good, and that is what I strive for. I sure hope this all makes sense and helps and does not hurt. I eny you your youth, You have alot of good years ahead of you. I assure you, you will be ok, and it will turn out ok. Big hugs. Now I am going to look for the file I found for you today. I hope it makes you laugh. Big ,big hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

I was wiccan for a few years. I think it was a stepping stone, a way to allow myself to think outside the box and have a definable word to stick to it at the same time. I don't personally feel it was silly, just a religion/spirituality like any other one. I am now an atheist, and when I first gave up religion entirely I felt embarrassed, but I realized that other people feel differently about Wicca, they use the teachings in the building of their own lives and it fits some well.

Christianity may fit you well, and it's good that you have found it. It wouldn't work for me, but like wicca, it works for some. :)

I don't know if I expressed myself very clearly, but I tried. :p