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Nicolette
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Thank you Ayesha :)
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Treading Dangerously?!
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Lady of Longbourn
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Hmmm...
I think this is a up and down thing. Joy can be fleeting. You find something to get your attention and you feel joy. And then your world suddenly falls back on you and you feel...in my case, for example, I feel major resentment at the moment. I am angry at my quality of life. Being on medication the rest of my life, being 24 and unable to have a job, feeling everything is going to be ruled by my illnesses. I see no stable future for myself and truly think this is as good as it will get. And that rips me apart becasue I have dreams.Then I can watch Top Gear and laugh my ass off. Fleeting.
I can honestly say I am NOT in a 'really low point' at the moment. That's probably my pills stopping that... But that doesn't mean I can't be angry.
Things like taking a shower is...taking care of yourself. And when you feel resentful to yourself sometimes you just don't give a damn about you.
Boy, I am in a philosophical mood! :D Maybe its becasue its 5 in the morning and I have not slept. :wtf:
I find that this thread is really awesome and what was said came from the hearts of everyone. There is a lot of good that came out of all these conversations especially for PTSDers who tend to back off or isolate when confronted ! Nothing like a safe place to strenghten our battered up capacities to make them strong again :happy::joyful:
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
Sorry. I was genuinely trying to help you.
ClairBear226
Platinum Member
I'm glad you posted this, Nicolette. I've actually avoided many forum posts, because I find myself needing to bite my tongue more often than not. The pattern that I've come to recognize wouldn't be an opinion well received, so I keep my trap shut.
I've begun to wonder if PTSD is sometimes used as an excuse to fail. Wasn't life easier when we were secluded in the warmth and safety of the womb, with no expectations, no one to bother us, our every want and need taken care of? Life is much harder when there are people depending on you, responsibilities to be cared for, life to get out there and live, and achievements to be made. It's tough, even for the healthiest of people, and it comes without any kind of rule book. How much easier would it be to just withdraw from the rat race? I can't, I have PTSD. Somebody do that for me, I have PTSD. I can't achieve anything, I have PTSD. Before you know it, we're right back to that womb. All comfortable and safe, and non-challenging. I can't do anything with my life, because I have PTSD. What a crock.
The last year has been the toughest for me since my first onset of symptoms in 1989. I get what's it's like to not want to get out of bed. Hardcore depression sucks. And let's face it, who can have flashbacks of the worst your life has dished out over and over again, and be happy about it? But this is a marathon, not a sprint, and no one ever won a damned thing by running in place.
I've begun to wonder if PTSD is sometimes used as an excuse to fail. Wasn't life easier when we were secluded in the warmth and safety of the womb, with no expectations, no one to bother us, our every want and need taken care of? Life is much harder when there are people depending on you, responsibilities to be cared for, life to get out there and live, and achievements to be made. It's tough, even for the healthiest of people, and it comes without any kind of rule book. How much easier would it be to just withdraw from the rat race? I can't, I have PTSD. Somebody do that for me, I have PTSD. I can't achieve anything, I have PTSD. Before you know it, we're right back to that womb. All comfortable and safe, and non-challenging. I can't do anything with my life, because I have PTSD. What a crock.
The last year has been the toughest for me since my first onset of symptoms in 1989. I get what's it's like to not want to get out of bed. Hardcore depression sucks. And let's face it, who can have flashbacks of the worst your life has dished out over and over again, and be happy about it? But this is a marathon, not a sprint, and no one ever won a damned thing by running in place.
goingonhope
VIP Member
While specifically isolating the hygiene shower question from all my now surfaced baggage, including obsessive thinking and additional stress, I will attempt to comment:
In response to questioning setting a shower as a daily goal.
From 1977, (at which point I met all criteria for Ptsd, …later to be diagnosed in 1993/94) and all the way through til 2010, I never once dealt with a single hygiene issue nor consideration of going to the length of writing down showering as any additional goal within that day. A non-issue entirely.
In fact, periodically I’d think about my sister sufferer, whom to the best of my knowledge remains undiagnosed, …and I’d think how terribly sad it is that she seldom (I mean extremely rare), leaves her home.
She remains home, had slept most parts of her days away and barely met daily functioning (rarely showering) .....and I use to think Why? How come? Why not?
She had her assigned reasoning, (it being she was traumatized from the movie psycho). I quietly listened then and said nothing of my knowledge that my Dad’s trade and collection of butcher knives, and his related fetish and a bathroom scene trauma (of hers w/ his involvement - age 8yrs. old, which I witnessed) ..might be more likely an assignable cause for her, ...and I kept quiet.
So what was the answer to my mystery, when hygiene and showering was never a concern for me, nor with my Ptsd then or later when I had a full tag to give it (PTSD), rather then me simply feeling and re-experiencing the victimization of violence, tragedy, hate, abuse, poverty and negligence.
A partial answer came from experience, and not any sooner.
Back then, I’d just thrown up my arms so to speak, chose to accept and love her in spite of me not understanding why, and as time passed I made educated guesses like:
...All those meds have something to do with it;
...Well she’s obviously severely depressed;
...There is related trauma there, whether or not she remembers or not, I do;
...Her husband reinforces her trauma injuries and beliefs daily as he speaks to her and the abusive way he speaks to and treats her, and depreciates and disregards her – maybe she’s lost her will to live;
...No other educ. guesses then that I remember now.
Now, keeping it simple and specific, the best I can do from:
once knowing her and her story well, and from experience of knowing my step-dad (a vet from the airforce during World War II), who also was diagnosed with Manic Depression and told he had claustaphobia and certainly sometimes had most severe hygeine problems, and with my own experience, (now that I sometimes choose to set showering as a goal),
I’d say, the difference is in the severity of depressive symptoms.
If one is only experiencing Ptsd depression to a moderate to lesser degree, (perhaps even greater then moderate), I personally hadn’t before yet found where hygiene and shower is too great of a stress to daily challenge, to forget or abandon.
However, some people are not so lucky.
Let’s add to their Ptsd depression Additional depression, from like:
Combinations of medications that alter the chemistry of the brain which regardless as to whether they’re suppose to treat depression, ...well actually cause greater depression, and perhaps even after a sort of chemistry dependency.
Perhaps add brain damage and its aftermath from a serious tbi or a failed suicide attempt.
Also, lets perhaps give that person a hater spouse who belittles and weakens - misdirected out from his or her own addiction, brain damage, ignorance, overwhelm, or perhaps selfishness desires and/or presupposed needs.
Add in a depressive force and mystery like: an individual one day will abruptly and unexpectedly receive little to no family support likely ever again, as everyone is seemingly severely ill and such, is hard, selfish, either non-existent, or any longer wishing to create and will good.
Add in greater obstacle and depressions from the brain damage caused from chemical and/or alcohol addiction/ism.
Add in this depression, add in that depression, add it in, add some more, create some to mix and add. Self-create more from what’s left of a thinker, and then if and/or just as depressive levels drop some and life perhaps appears livable once again, then re-categorize and lay out the more.
So, regardless of many factors/forces causing severe depression, I’d say meeting criteria for a depressive disorder in addition to Ptsd is my educ. guess and a fair explanation.
Now my own personal reason for adding - Shower to, Goal for the day, would be not only my 2010 diagnosis of MDD, but no doubt a few other legitimate explanations, for my now challenge and procrastination with meeting my basic needs, including that of the shower, ...and thus having chosen to set it as a goal some days.
And, though pure exhausting if I were to continue now, I do believe are understandable, but would be more specific to better understanding a minority or smaller population.
In response to questioning setting a shower as a daily goal.
From 1977, (at which point I met all criteria for Ptsd, …later to be diagnosed in 1993/94) and all the way through til 2010, I never once dealt with a single hygiene issue nor consideration of going to the length of writing down showering as any additional goal within that day. A non-issue entirely.
In fact, periodically I’d think about my sister sufferer, whom to the best of my knowledge remains undiagnosed, …and I’d think how terribly sad it is that she seldom (I mean extremely rare), leaves her home.
She remains home, had slept most parts of her days away and barely met daily functioning (rarely showering) .....and I use to think Why? How come? Why not?
She had her assigned reasoning, (it being she was traumatized from the movie psycho). I quietly listened then and said nothing of my knowledge that my Dad’s trade and collection of butcher knives, and his related fetish and a bathroom scene trauma (of hers w/ his involvement - age 8yrs. old, which I witnessed) ..might be more likely an assignable cause for her, ...and I kept quiet.
So what was the answer to my mystery, when hygiene and showering was never a concern for me, nor with my Ptsd then or later when I had a full tag to give it (PTSD), rather then me simply feeling and re-experiencing the victimization of violence, tragedy, hate, abuse, poverty and negligence.
A partial answer came from experience, and not any sooner.
Back then, I’d just thrown up my arms so to speak, chose to accept and love her in spite of me not understanding why, and as time passed I made educated guesses like:
...All those meds have something to do with it;
...Well she’s obviously severely depressed;
...There is related trauma there, whether or not she remembers or not, I do;
...Her husband reinforces her trauma injuries and beliefs daily as he speaks to her and the abusive way he speaks to and treats her, and depreciates and disregards her – maybe she’s lost her will to live;
...No other educ. guesses then that I remember now.
Now, keeping it simple and specific, the best I can do from:
once knowing her and her story well, and from experience of knowing my step-dad (a vet from the airforce during World War II), who also was diagnosed with Manic Depression and told he had claustaphobia and certainly sometimes had most severe hygeine problems, and with my own experience, (now that I sometimes choose to set showering as a goal),
I’d say, the difference is in the severity of depressive symptoms.
If one is only experiencing Ptsd depression to a moderate to lesser degree, (perhaps even greater then moderate), I personally hadn’t before yet found where hygiene and shower is too great of a stress to daily challenge, to forget or abandon.
However, some people are not so lucky.
Let’s add to their Ptsd depression Additional depression, from like:
Combinations of medications that alter the chemistry of the brain which regardless as to whether they’re suppose to treat depression, ...well actually cause greater depression, and perhaps even after a sort of chemistry dependency.
Perhaps add brain damage and its aftermath from a serious tbi or a failed suicide attempt.
Also, lets perhaps give that person a hater spouse who belittles and weakens - misdirected out from his or her own addiction, brain damage, ignorance, overwhelm, or perhaps selfishness desires and/or presupposed needs.
Add in a depressive force and mystery like: an individual one day will abruptly and unexpectedly receive little to no family support likely ever again, as everyone is seemingly severely ill and such, is hard, selfish, either non-existent, or any longer wishing to create and will good.
Add in greater obstacle and depressions from the brain damage caused from chemical and/or alcohol addiction/ism.
Add in this depression, add in that depression, add it in, add some more, create some to mix and add. Self-create more from what’s left of a thinker, and then if and/or just as depressive levels drop some and life perhaps appears livable once again, then re-categorize and lay out the more.
So, regardless of many factors/forces causing severe depression, I’d say meeting criteria for a depressive disorder in addition to Ptsd is my educ. guess and a fair explanation.
Now my own personal reason for adding - Shower to, Goal for the day, would be not only my 2010 diagnosis of MDD, but no doubt a few other legitimate explanations, for my now challenge and procrastination with meeting my basic needs, including that of the shower, ...and thus having chosen to set it as a goal some days.
And, though pure exhausting if I were to continue now, I do believe are understandable, but would be more specific to better understanding a minority or smaller population.
Whitneys story
Diamond Member
I feel this thread can be so beneficial for both sides of the discussion. I am saddened when I read the struggles of some. In the effort to never offend anyone I wait at times, before responding as I am very insightful.
I will say that it hurts when some people, rather than thinking about a response; jump to the defense. No one is attempting to label anyone. We are a huge team of caring and compassionate people.
I have been a supporter all of my life. I also have been invalidated all of my life. I love being able to help where I may have experienced certain aspects. Knowing that understanding and acknowledgement are the key to breaking through! Those that have never had a friend or carer that is truly "unconditional" or non-judgemental will unlikely rise above because they have not been given the tools.
And there are some who have the tools however they never came with instructions. Sometimes it is just a matter of throwing things back and forth and seeing what comes up. No matter how we arrived here, I believe we are all here for the same reason. HELP! Behemoth Hugs to all, Whitney:hug:
I will say that it hurts when some people, rather than thinking about a response; jump to the defense. No one is attempting to label anyone. We are a huge team of caring and compassionate people.
I have been a supporter all of my life. I also have been invalidated all of my life. I love being able to help where I may have experienced certain aspects. Knowing that understanding and acknowledgement are the key to breaking through! Those that have never had a friend or carer that is truly "unconditional" or non-judgemental will unlikely rise above because they have not been given the tools.
And there are some who have the tools however they never came with instructions. Sometimes it is just a matter of throwing things back and forth and seeing what comes up. No matter how we arrived here, I believe we are all here for the same reason. HELP! Behemoth Hugs to all, Whitney:hug:
Dear Nicolette, you shouldn't feel that you would be attacked to post any thread. And I think it's a legitimate question.
JMOH, for what it's worth, but I think appearances can be deceiving. PTSD for me, has been all over the place, over the years. And not just PTSD, but depression, grief, etc. There are times I 'achieved' so much, and always had a huge pace. But it was required, and it was also a not-so-healthy way of coping (as are many other ways). I also relate to those who have stated that it's hard to learn how to relax or adopt self-care (including eating, etc). After all, it is an anxiety-based condition- unrelenting stress.
Similarly, I've had stretches of years of reduced symptoms; though I found (as others have mentioned on another thread), that at around 40 things really fell apart.
I've also had times I'm virtually catatonic, or the grief or fear is paralyzing or overwhelming. And that's without considering undiagnosed physical conditions people may have- heart conditions are a good example, or sometimes cancer, it is well-documented how it's often recognized emotionally well-prior to physically.
So I guess what I'm thinking is, the only one who knows is the very person themself. I think (I apologize if I'm wrong) that that is possibly what Meadowsweet was alluding to with the '101st' person. Everyone is unique, as are their experiences, capacities, resilience, biology, and especially their own personal journey. For one person, getting through the day with what others view as 'sad' or the 'minimum' may be the true greatest accomplishment. Whereas another person may appear to be accomplishing much, and could actually accomplish more. Or, conversely, they may look like they have a pretty good handle on it, and truth be known 5 minutes away from self-destruction.
I think because ptsd involves so much self-blame (already), that encouragement, learning to relax, self-care, and making things (including all goals) fun, is more helpful than the natural questions of what 'appears'. Seems to me, ptsd is characterized by nothing being what it appears. I think the constant stress, adrenaline, fear, depression, wear and tear on the body, and self-recriminations are very soul-destroying. Precisely because 'trying harder' doesn't allways produce near to what one with ptsd would hope.
Yikes, sorry it's so long. That's (my) 5 cents, not $.02, yikes. :)
JMOH, for what it's worth, but I think appearances can be deceiving. PTSD for me, has been all over the place, over the years. And not just PTSD, but depression, grief, etc. There are times I 'achieved' so much, and always had a huge pace. But it was required, and it was also a not-so-healthy way of coping (as are many other ways). I also relate to those who have stated that it's hard to learn how to relax or adopt self-care (including eating, etc). After all, it is an anxiety-based condition- unrelenting stress.
Similarly, I've had stretches of years of reduced symptoms; though I found (as others have mentioned on another thread), that at around 40 things really fell apart.
I've also had times I'm virtually catatonic, or the grief or fear is paralyzing or overwhelming. And that's without considering undiagnosed physical conditions people may have- heart conditions are a good example, or sometimes cancer, it is well-documented how it's often recognized emotionally well-prior to physically.
So I guess what I'm thinking is, the only one who knows is the very person themself. I think (I apologize if I'm wrong) that that is possibly what Meadowsweet was alluding to with the '101st' person. Everyone is unique, as are their experiences, capacities, resilience, biology, and especially their own personal journey. For one person, getting through the day with what others view as 'sad' or the 'minimum' may be the true greatest accomplishment. Whereas another person may appear to be accomplishing much, and could actually accomplish more. Or, conversely, they may look like they have a pretty good handle on it, and truth be known 5 minutes away from self-destruction.
I think because ptsd involves so much self-blame (already), that encouragement, learning to relax, self-care, and making things (including all goals) fun, is more helpful than the natural questions of what 'appears'. Seems to me, ptsd is characterized by nothing being what it appears. I think the constant stress, adrenaline, fear, depression, wear and tear on the body, and self-recriminations are very soul-destroying. Precisely because 'trying harder' doesn't allways produce near to what one with ptsd would hope.
Yikes, sorry it's so long. That's (my) 5 cents, not $.02, yikes. :)
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Nicolette
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So I'm hearing that because PTSD is complex and varies there is no point even trying to understand. Is that correct?
How do I make 'goals' fun when I face a brick wall of its all so complicated and varies?! I appreciate some have shared but it seems some are too scared to come forward and say "when I say this I need this". I have a husband with PTSD, a sister with PTSD who would ring me up suicidal and I have struggled with it myself. Yet my role here is a supporter and when I read a comment "I spent the afternoon in bed because I deserve it" in the context of "being good to myself" I sit and struggle to determine does the person mean they are 'self caring' or are they enabling themselves by giving themselves permission to lie in bed all afternoon. :eek: Why would you post and share something like that in a chit chat area if you didn't want anyone to take any notice? :facepalm: Why even post if it's so complicated. :banghead:
I can identify with what I think some of you are saying with my back injury... no one can feel the excruciating pain while I sit and struggle to finish work when my head is about to explode and I feel that if I sit for one more moment I will scream....yet I sit and smile and solider on. Not healthy, don't need that pointed out, but still have to survive so you do what you can. There are times I have asked to go and lie on the boardroom floor in offices as I could no longer sit without wanting to kill myself to stop the pain. The thing is no-one can see it, they don't understand but if I don't go lie on that floor I will physically fail. So do I tell them so they know and give them a chance to understand or do I say nothing and destroy myself?
This is what confuses me...... I am trying to put the shoe on the other foot and perhaps be more supportive or even identify someone needing support but because it's all different than what it 'appears' and varies on a person by person basis I feel I am being told this is futile. So what does a therapist do when you first meet and they don't know you? They have to start with some fundamentals and basics. There are some commonalities. I work with different people every day myself and I take the time to know them. I talk to them about their lives and from that I know how to teach people best when I am training and what analogies to use, I learn how they interact and capitalize on that, I work on finding out what is most important to them so as to not only do my job but make them feel like I have also done what they have wanted (within reason). I try and work it out here with good intent and there are roadblocks everywhere and watch out if you don't respond appropriately. :meh:
How do I make 'goals' fun when I face a brick wall of its all so complicated and varies?! I appreciate some have shared but it seems some are too scared to come forward and say "when I say this I need this". I have a husband with PTSD, a sister with PTSD who would ring me up suicidal and I have struggled with it myself. Yet my role here is a supporter and when I read a comment "I spent the afternoon in bed because I deserve it" in the context of "being good to myself" I sit and struggle to determine does the person mean they are 'self caring' or are they enabling themselves by giving themselves permission to lie in bed all afternoon. :eek: Why would you post and share something like that in a chit chat area if you didn't want anyone to take any notice? :facepalm: Why even post if it's so complicated. :banghead:
I can identify with what I think some of you are saying with my back injury... no one can feel the excruciating pain while I sit and struggle to finish work when my head is about to explode and I feel that if I sit for one more moment I will scream....yet I sit and smile and solider on. Not healthy, don't need that pointed out, but still have to survive so you do what you can. There are times I have asked to go and lie on the boardroom floor in offices as I could no longer sit without wanting to kill myself to stop the pain. The thing is no-one can see it, they don't understand but if I don't go lie on that floor I will physically fail. So do I tell them so they know and give them a chance to understand or do I say nothing and destroy myself?
Froggie I like your positive acceptance of my thread yet I tend to feel that asking to learn is the same as I faced with the earlier days... some sufferers will eagerly tell you what you are doing wrong and what is so hard for them but I feel like its akin to extracting teeth to ask "okay, what can I do", "how do I interpret this sign" and get an answer you can work with.
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Nicolette
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Clair you have identified one of my own struggles with this forum. I have been here for over 5 years, seen people come and go, and read thousands of posts and I too sometimes see those patterns yet still dare not ask as I know it's not worth it.
Why does PTSD make some people so defensive when someone is standing in front of you with their hand out saying I will support you but I will call you on your sh*t and pity parties? I initially felt sorry for Anthony but pity is the last thing he needs and if I shut up and put up with some of the crap I would be allowing him to abuse me as a person. Yes he can be sick with PTSD, just tell me and I'll do the best I can but don't swear at me, blame me for your stress overload or punish me when I have my own plate to carry. Seems to have worked a treat so I have come along way with one person 101 so why are others deciding for me that there is so much diversity that it's all too hard?
$100 if Anthony posed my questions the responses would be different. Okay, yes I did say that out loud. :locktopic: If Anthony told you that you were enabling yourself you would possibly me more likely to listen and go and evaluate what he said. I wonder if my 'supporter' hat here creates fear in PTSD Sufferers and they are scared we may just get a slight grip on what they are struggling with and work out what to look out for? :bag:
I think I'm done on this....... ended up where I thought it would.[DOUBLEPOST=1345268423][/DOUBLEPOST]
PS... thank you Meadowsweet :)
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Nicolette
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PPS... thanks Hope for all your effort in your post.
Queen Boudica
VIP Member
(((((Nicolette)))))
Ugh feel I have to write something now, not sure it will come out at all right.
Can relate so much to what GoingOnHope wrote about her sister. I had thought about writing on this post about the difference between me and my sister in coping with complex trauma.
I often ask, why did I survive, why do I keep on going and she just gave up?
Over the past few months I have pieced together her story and understand much better what went on with her, though I will never understand it entirely.
She was on medication and she was still under the influence of my abusive mother who abused and controlled her. So that is the similarity between GoingOnHope's sister. My sister did not want to live an independent life she stayed at home for years, not able to work. When she was 17 she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, stuck in a hospital, abused, given drugs that turned her into a zombie. She was terrified. That was her experience of help.
I saw my sister in hospital and I saw what happens if you don't help yourself. I know however down and depressed I get, I don't ever want to get to that point. So I will pull myself up even though I feel like that avatar of mine.
I also have kids and that is a very powerful force. If I lost them, that would be the end of me. I have to get up I have to do stuff for them and that means I do. I am terrified of driving but my son needs immunotherapy and I have seen how much he suffers because of his itchy skin and I will overcome that fear every time to drive him to that medical center. My determination to get my son help overrides the fear. It has to. Sometimes you just have to because you know the consequences if you don't are far worse. Maybe that is it.
Maybe it is just sheer determination, that I am not going to let my mother win and do what she did to my sister. Or maybe it is seeing what happened to my sister and knowing that letting yourself spiral down to the point where you cannot do the basics is too close to ending up like she did in the end, which is dead.
The fear of what will happen if I don't keep myself going overrides any of the other fears I guess.
But, if I did not have my children, I can see how I might get to the point to just not even drag myself out of bed. If I did not have that purpose, so I can see how it could overwhelm me and I could end up doing that. But I still think I would be too afraid thinking what would happen to me if I just never got out of bed again? So obviously I want to survive.
But that is me and my fears and my experiences and my trauma and how I reacted to it as a child and how it shaped is different to others, so I agree with that. But, I also agree that the only way you are going to recover is to push yourself over and over. But sometimes that gets overwhelming and you go back but you always start again.
Not sure that answers anything as it is my own personal experience.
I also want to say there is a lot of stuff I am not doing and don't feel I can do yet, but, whereas before I used to think I would never be able to do stuff, now I think, it might happen, I just have to keep going even though I have no idea how I will do it yet and I may never get there :confused: and sometimes I have huge panic attacks thinking about it.
And I don't think that just because I am able to drag myself out of bed and look after my kids that is any more of an acheivment than someone who is at that stage that they are so down they have just managed to get themselves out of bed for the first time in weeks. That is hard. But it is a first step. The next thing is to shower and then dress and then........ until you get to the point you can function.
Ugh feel I have to write something now, not sure it will come out at all right.
Can relate so much to what GoingOnHope wrote about her sister. I had thought about writing on this post about the difference between me and my sister in coping with complex trauma.
I often ask, why did I survive, why do I keep on going and she just gave up?
Over the past few months I have pieced together her story and understand much better what went on with her, though I will never understand it entirely.
She was on medication and she was still under the influence of my abusive mother who abused and controlled her. So that is the similarity between GoingOnHope's sister. My sister did not want to live an independent life she stayed at home for years, not able to work. When she was 17 she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, stuck in a hospital, abused, given drugs that turned her into a zombie. She was terrified. That was her experience of help.
I saw my sister in hospital and I saw what happens if you don't help yourself. I know however down and depressed I get, I don't ever want to get to that point. So I will pull myself up even though I feel like that avatar of mine.
I also have kids and that is a very powerful force. If I lost them, that would be the end of me. I have to get up I have to do stuff for them and that means I do. I am terrified of driving but my son needs immunotherapy and I have seen how much he suffers because of his itchy skin and I will overcome that fear every time to drive him to that medical center. My determination to get my son help overrides the fear. It has to. Sometimes you just have to because you know the consequences if you don't are far worse. Maybe that is it.
Maybe it is just sheer determination, that I am not going to let my mother win and do what she did to my sister. Or maybe it is seeing what happened to my sister and knowing that letting yourself spiral down to the point where you cannot do the basics is too close to ending up like she did in the end, which is dead.
The fear of what will happen if I don't keep myself going overrides any of the other fears I guess.
But, if I did not have my children, I can see how I might get to the point to just not even drag myself out of bed. If I did not have that purpose, so I can see how it could overwhelm me and I could end up doing that. But I still think I would be too afraid thinking what would happen to me if I just never got out of bed again? So obviously I want to survive.
But that is me and my fears and my experiences and my trauma and how I reacted to it as a child and how it shaped is different to others, so I agree with that. But, I also agree that the only way you are going to recover is to push yourself over and over. But sometimes that gets overwhelming and you go back but you always start again.
Not sure that answers anything as it is my own personal experience.
I also want to say there is a lot of stuff I am not doing and don't feel I can do yet, but, whereas before I used to think I would never be able to do stuff, now I think, it might happen, I just have to keep going even though I have no idea how I will do it yet and I may never get there :confused: and sometimes I have huge panic attacks thinking about it.
And I don't think that just because I am able to drag myself out of bed and look after my kids that is any more of an acheivment than someone who is at that stage that they are so down they have just managed to get themselves out of bed for the first time in weeks. That is hard. But it is a first step. The next thing is to shower and then dress and then........ until you get to the point you can function.
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