metis-siren
Silver Member
Hello everyone,
So I'm at that period of time in the year where my PTSD goes through the roof. Or at least it has been for the past couple years. Its really strange because for the first few years after the situation, I didn't really acknowledge that this was a triggering time for me - then again I wasn't in a safe place during that time.
So the anniversaries start on the 1st of July (yeah, me and Canada day don't really get along) - with remembering the last time I went back to the ex-boyfriend who raped me when I was a teen, and the fireworks that day. Its like the fireworks trigger every mannerism about him, I see people walking down the street on Canada day and its like a wave of triggers hitting me at once. Honestly, I feel trigger happy that day.
July 4th is another bad day. Its my brother's birthday and I haven't seen him in 7 years. He's turning 17 this year. It's challenging in that I pretty much raised him - my step dad had no interest in him whatsoever (even though its his biological son) and my mom's mental illnesses and shift work put me in a position where I took care of him all the time. Beyond that, its the day I miscarried from one of the rapes. The day everything happened 7 years ago, my great-grandmother died as well, it was one of the last times I saw my extended family in a supportive sense. Suffice to say, this is not a good week for me.
I've been really dizzy - hell I'm off-kilter right now. My fibromyalgia pain has been bad from the stress, and my PTSD symptoms are going haywire.
The boyfriend and I are in couple's therapy (things have been getting better), and our normal date for therapy is on Wednesday's. Beyond the fact that I don't see my psychiatrist this week because of the holiday Monday - and that I really needed to see him, going into a heavy session on an anniversary seems like a bad idea. I know that sometimes pushing yourself through something helps - but this just seems counterproductive.
I suppose I know I shouldn't go in tomorrow, and that I probably need to take it easy for a bit - but I really don't know what to do with myself - aside from bake and cook like a crazy woman.
I don't know what to do with this surmounting remembrance of days. I know that in years to come it will get easier, but that doesn't really help me right now.
I'm sure that I'm going to start back on either the "What if I didn't miscarry" questions or the delayed emotional response to miscarrying. Everything just seems so hard right now - and I don't know how to honour and respect the difficult days and do something positive during that time.
One of the coping mechanisms that I often relied on was listening to music - but I've recently been told that there's a good chance I'm going to go completely deaf, and my appointment with the specialist isn't until the end of September, so my anxiety tends to rise when I think about what that would be like.
Sincerely,
A. Lauren
So I'm at that period of time in the year where my PTSD goes through the roof. Or at least it has been for the past couple years. Its really strange because for the first few years after the situation, I didn't really acknowledge that this was a triggering time for me - then again I wasn't in a safe place during that time.
So the anniversaries start on the 1st of July (yeah, me and Canada day don't really get along) - with remembering the last time I went back to the ex-boyfriend who raped me when I was a teen, and the fireworks that day. Its like the fireworks trigger every mannerism about him, I see people walking down the street on Canada day and its like a wave of triggers hitting me at once. Honestly, I feel trigger happy that day.
July 4th is another bad day. Its my brother's birthday and I haven't seen him in 7 years. He's turning 17 this year. It's challenging in that I pretty much raised him - my step dad had no interest in him whatsoever (even though its his biological son) and my mom's mental illnesses and shift work put me in a position where I took care of him all the time. Beyond that, its the day I miscarried from one of the rapes. The day everything happened 7 years ago, my great-grandmother died as well, it was one of the last times I saw my extended family in a supportive sense. Suffice to say, this is not a good week for me.
I've been really dizzy - hell I'm off-kilter right now. My fibromyalgia pain has been bad from the stress, and my PTSD symptoms are going haywire.
The boyfriend and I are in couple's therapy (things have been getting better), and our normal date for therapy is on Wednesday's. Beyond the fact that I don't see my psychiatrist this week because of the holiday Monday - and that I really needed to see him, going into a heavy session on an anniversary seems like a bad idea. I know that sometimes pushing yourself through something helps - but this just seems counterproductive.
I suppose I know I shouldn't go in tomorrow, and that I probably need to take it easy for a bit - but I really don't know what to do with myself - aside from bake and cook like a crazy woman.
I don't know what to do with this surmounting remembrance of days. I know that in years to come it will get easier, but that doesn't really help me right now.
I'm sure that I'm going to start back on either the "What if I didn't miscarry" questions or the delayed emotional response to miscarrying. Everything just seems so hard right now - and I don't know how to honour and respect the difficult days and do something positive during that time.
One of the coping mechanisms that I often relied on was listening to music - but I've recently been told that there's a good chance I'm going to go completely deaf, and my appointment with the specialist isn't until the end of September, so my anxiety tends to rise when I think about what that would be like.
Sincerely,
A. Lauren
