Oh, dcman007, so many hugs to you and your wife for what chaos has been thrown your way.
I am a sufferer of childhood abuse and molestations that I never addressed (some I even repressed to just a few visual fragments) and, therefore, only mentioned one incident to my husband when we were dating. Then, after we had been married 7 years, I was working one summer in another country; while there I was mugged and sexually assaulted at knifepoint. My pride kept me from returning to the States. The mugging took place my third week at the job, and I stayed the entire 3.5 months to fulfill my contract (without getting therapy while there). That adult assault dredged up so many things from my past.
My poor dear soul of a husband ("ex" now, though I call him my "once"-husband because I will always love him). I, too, instantly changed into another being; I loved him, but, I realized the part of me that had remained hidden from myself from age toddler to age 17 wasn't the me that fell in love with my husband. It was the woman who forgot her childhood who fell in love with my husband (when I was 22 to 28, 28 being the year of the assault). I couldn't fuse the two me's into one. I never realized that my once-husband looked uncannily like my brother who was one of my tormenters during my early-early years. It made intimacy impossible. My body went numb; in fact, I think my body had been numb from age 8 until age 33 when therapy took a turning point.
Perhaps your wife needs a period of celibacy. I know I did. But, of course, that takes its toll on an intimate relationship.
This sounds very dire, I know. But, you are doing something my husband never did (though, I'm not judging him here): you are showing how vested you are by learning proactively what ptsd-ers go through.
I wish my once-husband had been willing to go through couple's counseling, but, his nature was/is a painfully shy one. He just couldn't do it.
I think it would be helpful for you to pop-in on both types of forums -- the one for supporters and the one for sufferers/survivors. It will help you understand your own frustrations and reactions and how they might differ from those of your wife.
I hope this is helpful. I so understand what a painful, unfair hailstorm this is for both of you. The perpetrators hurt so many people, not just the ones they come into contact with at the moment of the assault but rather all those friends and beloveds that support the sufferer for the rest of his/her life.
Don't give up, though, unless you find it unhealthy for you. You have a right to be happy and healthy just as she does.
Best-best-best wishes.
