Ways Of Keeping Going

[Shellbell]

Big hugs (((((Hashi)))))

 

[ms spock]

Just so you know Hashi, after all I wrote yesterday I didn't do so well today. Mostly I do but today I didn't. So keep that in mind. You are not alone in your struggles.

((((((((maddog)))))))) Thinking of you!

 

[KP the nut]

(((Hashi))), baby steps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hashi, I try to focus on what the task is in front of me. I try to get it done one thing at a time. Sometimes it is harder than other times. But I have to do these things. No one else is going to do them for me. So I just focus on getting the job done.

I have had times when the anxiety was really bad. And somehow I got through it. I just kept at it a step at a time. I hope you get some peace and relief.

 

[Hashi]

*breathes*

Thank you all so much for your support. I honestly can't believe how hard working on this is. On top of the depression and suicidal thoughts, I feel like there's been an all out war in the my head. I couldn't understand why what people said here makes sense but is something I'm so unable to do. Why life seems to be something I'm unable to do.

((((Maddog)))) Coping is so hard, sometimes all you can do is try to rest. Despite my anxiety about letting practical things slide even further, I know that often there's no choice. Even if there are no solutions right now, I hope at least it's some respite from this incredibly difficult journey. I'm thinking of you.

Ms Spock, your strategies are spot on. I think you have a really healthy-sounding approach to this. I had to google flylady cleaning - I'd actually been looking recently at something similar by someone else and thinking it looked helpful. I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday, but you're right, progress does go backwards and forwards. I hope today is better for you.

And what others said is helpful too. Routines, focussing, taking things step by step, putting trauma thoughts to one side when necessary... and my brain starts furiously fighting itself and goes into meltdown.

One thing my T said surprised me - she pointed out that I was dissociated. I thought the whole problem was that I wasn't dissociating - I always see dissociation as the deliberate numbing in order to cope, or my mind trying to exit the room when I'm doing trauma work. Not the pain of trying and failing to deal with everyday life. But she was right. I've been dissociating since birth (literally) and I don't know how to be present. I'm never really present, but even I wasn't aware of that.

It explains why I can do so much work and seem to have made so much progress, then I suddenly collapse and feel I haven't made any progress at all. I'm not grounded in anything. The progress is all above my feet, so it's there, but it has nothing to stand on... so its not there.

It explains why I can't find a balance of trauma work, practical things, self-care etc. All my life Ive switched between automatic pilot, intellectualising, being half-present, zoning out (with or without chemicals) or firefighting. For the past three years I've been asking my mind to work on balance, self-care, practical life, healing and awareness, which all need me to be present and real. My mind's been trying it's best but it thinks it's not safe, it has no foundation for this, it doesn't want to do it and it doesn't know how to.

It also explains why everything seems so unbearably bad and impossible to cope with. Allowing life to be real includes accepting what's happened to my life while I've been either blankly dragging myself through or floating away. As well as having to deal with the trauma. And the rest.

This has been so painful. I wish I'd known that what I was going through was the effects of trying to break through dissociation and not just a collapse under the weight of everything. I feel like my mind's been hit by a train. Everything was being smashed and I had nothing to cling to. I read in a book about Jung that he said the process of splitting (dissociating/cutting off parts of ourselves) during trauma isn't a gentle drifting away but is as violent as splitting the atom, and that the process of re-connecting is just as fierce. That's how it feels.

I've kind of gone off topic with my own post! I hadn't even realised this was about dissociation. I wish the understanding magically made everything fine, unfortunately not but at least it gives me something to work with. I can try the practical ideas from a different standpoint now.

Thank you all so much for your posts.

(((( everyone who accepts hugs ))))

 

[KP the nut]

(((( everyone who accepts hugs ))))

I love and accept hugs - thank-you

 

[DharmaGirl]

and that you have to talk to a human being. Because somewhere I think ptsd leaves us feeling sub or non-human.

I never thought of this quite this way. I am going to quote you in my paper journal if you don't mind. I think it will remind me not to isolate so much.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. if you don't mind. I think it will remind me not to isolate so much.

Monster of course I don't mind, if it can help at all I'm happy. :) I need the reminder (Big Time) for myself, yikes. I seem to have trouble with memory, bits and pieces. In the way that I can recognize something that helps that I've heard or learned before, it's 'in there'- but my mind just doesn't seem to think of it oftentimes. And other things or factors I forget also. Like reading back what I wrote in this thread.

:hug:

Oh yes, I have felt very much this way. Like I should be wearing a T-shirt that says "Just Visiting". :(

 

[DharmaGirl]

Lol, I used to have a button that said, "just visiting this planet"!