What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[99Phoenix99]

Today I'm put out. I had an amazing 2.5 days. I can't even explain the euphoria I felt from being in such a good mood. But then later this afternoon it went down hill. I went over my friend's house and her mother (while well meaning) started harping me about when I'm going back to college. I had to medically withdraw 2.5 years ago and since then I had 1 knee surgery and 2 major jaw reconstruction surgeries. As well as a relapse (my immune system started to fail me agian) that devastated me this summer.

I was in such a good mood because I was proud of myself for standing up for myself the other day. And then.... she went and said "WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO SCHOOL? YOU CAN'T KEEP SITTING AROUND DOING NOTHING." ... and welll... it shocked me really bad and I totally withdrew into myself. I ADORE school and academia. I'm a complete and total nerd in that regard. And it's devastating that I can't go to school. It eats at my very soul that I can't go. That I can't get on with my life. But when you've had that many surgeries in such a short amount of time, and the fact that I was hospitalized/bed rest all summer... I feel like a failure. That I literally fail at life. Because my body fails me. It's not like I CHOOSE not to go to school. And she was making remarks as if that was the very case. So I told her I was thinking about taking a class in the spring and I got an exasperated "FINALLY" in return. I just... it really hurt.

I've been trying SO HARD to be kind to myself. To recognize that I have health problems and accept the fact that I can't compare myself to others in that regard. That I have limitations. And trying to tell myself that's ok. That if I go slow, be patient, and kind to myself in the end it'll work out. But today just... it made me crumble. I went 2.5 whole days in a great mood and didn't dissociate at all.

But after that? God. I went to see Skyfall right after that... I dissociated the whole time. I can barely tell you what happened in the movie. I'm really down right now. I know I shouldn't ... but I am.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((99Phoenix))) I understand the shock and the hurt. You were feeling good and you got caught off guard and attacked. I really feel for you. I hope you will recover from this soon. Big hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am feeling peaceful. I have my dignity intact and i am holding my head high. I feel so good. I did a good thing and I am benifitting from it. I am very thankful, and grateful. I did good.

 

[ms spock]

How awfully intrusive 99Phoenix99!

Good self talk on your part of it.

 

[ms spock]

It really doesn't look I achieved much today. But I did make a start.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am feeling good. It is going to be a good day. Hugs to all that are struggling today.

 

[Loloma]

Still grieving the loss of my friend. Have daily contact with S and we are supporting each other. She is going well as can be expected and is in counselling. I am honoured that she reached out to me for help.

My heart goes out to her as I know the pain of loosing your loved ones. Especially a close intimate loved one.

Hugs to all feeling down or in pain. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Loloma))) Hang in there, you are doing the best you can. I think this is a devastating thing that happened.

You are a good and precious person. She is lucky to have you. So much pain. I hope for healing. This is going to be a tough year for her. My heart goes out to her too.

 

[Traumagirl]

I see so much pain here today. I wish I could be there with you now and give you my support. But, all I can do is give (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) and let you know that I'm thinking of you.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was sort of thinking of calling a friend, but didn't FEEL like calling anyone when she called me! I was glad she called of course, and still am. But I still don't FEEL like calling anyone else. I can write here, because I don't FEEL rejected here. But she had not called me in so long that I figured she never would again. I sometimes wait to see if people call me and so often it seems that they never do, especially family. I FEEL so rejected by my family, but once when I "yelled" at them about it on Facebook, all their in-laws disfriended me there! Even so, that did not incline them to call me any more often. And so I disowned them in my will, willing everything I own to the Public Library here in town. I felt like rejecting them so I did. I still FEEL that I made the right decision and I did eventually tell them I did this too.

 

[Let It Be]

I'm feeling better, as I look at how "people burn-out" has affected me, in just giving myself away to others.

I cannot believe how I have allowed the the toxicity of my family and others to strip me from whom I am. I can see now how I probably just shut down at the time, but still appeared to be present, and I wasn't.

 

[Pencil]

I have not felt this well in a very long time. For years I was completely numb, then I had a freak-out and was diagnosed with complex trauma. I panicked, experienced despair and never thought I'd be part of the human race again. For nearly a decade I isolated myself, telling myself it was my choice, only to have to admit ultimately that I had no choice. I discovered this site and could express myself for the first time in years without wondering what people would think and whether I was coming across as odd or heavy or inappropriate of off the wall, or just plain bloody off. This is making me feel good, and optimistic. I know now that it is not that I can't communicate, but that I can't communicate with people who don't get me, and people I don't get, because they are so bloody normal and I can never figure out the subtexts of the relationships and dialogues going on between them.