Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Springer80]

I went to a biannual talk for the recognition of dissociative disorders in London a couple of years ago. There was a section for testimonials, a woman got up to the lectern and recounted some of the worst things I have ever heard. She faltered a few times but she didn't break down, her therapist was close by to offer her support and she gave witness to what happened to her. She got a standing ovation and I had to go and tell her what admiration and respect I felt for her.

I know trauma is not a comparative thing but jeeez comparing me to her.... what she went through was beyond and I'm not sure I'm in a place where I could recount my story to a room of a few hundred people whilst being recorded for a podcast.

I suppose with the right support alot is possible.

 

[saffy]

Hi springer80

The thing is she might have suffered in a different way, and you might compare yourself, but you can also see that she has got through it enough to do this, so therefore it can be done in time with the right support , it gives hope and with hope you continue :)

Hi Shellbell

I can empathise totally and a few years ago I thought like you do now. However it's been a long personal journey, one where I have really had to look at myself, my thoughts, my feelings and behaviour. I mean really take myself apart bit by bit to try find myself. I felt that I had no idea who I am, what makes me laugh, what do I like to do and how do I want to think or feel about things. I learnt a lot about myself and became much more intune, there was less head noise which enbled me to listen without worry or doubt.

My head used to be racing with negative thoughts. By working each one out and changing my thought processes it helped. I began to recognise my feelings more, acknowledge them and deal with them better and quicker, I still slip I'm only human ;), even if it meant I left somewhere early or stopped the conversations so that I could think about it clearly and calmly. I learnt to recognise the signs very quickly before they got too intense.

We are all behind you and I beleive you will improve and be happy in the end, don't give up :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Shellbell]

Thanks Saffy,

I told my husband last night that I know I won't be able to work for a long time now, if ever. That was a huge acknowledgement to make for me.

I know the severity of my PTSD is beyond working and I know my mental health doc has stated in a report that my situation will worsen as we start to deal with the more severe trauma.

I have to completely let go of the 'old me' and accept that I will never be her - the one who 'functioned' highly for 20 years with no help from anyone. And actually, I don't want to be her anymore, she constantly ran on adrenaline, fuelled by fear and obssesive control, using avoidance, minimisation and denial to be 'normal'. And she never was normal.

But I have to believe that there will be a level of healing that will allow me improve enough to be capable to functioning better than I can now and have more control over my thoughts and actions than I do now.

I believe full healing is possible for some, but maybe not everyone. And that is okay.

 

[Abstract]

Shellbell,

I think the dance between denial and hopelessness can be a tricky one. Wanting this not to be real and pretending to ourselves that we are not where we are. And then being caught up in hopelessness and feeling broken beyond repair.

I relate to having mixed feelings about my past functioning. I long for it and then reality hits and I realise I was not that high functioning person I appeared to be. Not if someone could see inside me or could take into consideration all the self destructive behaviour and more.

I really don't think there is ever such a thing as going back to how we were in life for anyone anyway. Life is a journey and we go forward no matter what. All of us. You might be dealing with a truckload of the worst of the stuff now but you can simultaneously claim much understanding, healing and victory in your life. That may seem like little consolation presently but it is something. I hope that is not just annoying but it helps me.

I also wanted to say that human beings are amazing things. Who knows what you can potentially achieve. I suspect some people have relatively little trauma and stayed very impaired forever and others can experience the most extreme things and end up with their symptoms totally under control. I know of someone who has experienced more trauma than I have ever heard anyone experience and had DID and yet is now symptom free. That does not mean that her past is somehow deleted or that is somehow "cured". I don't believe we go "back" as such.

You obviously have a hard road ahead of you and the years ahead are going to consist of a lot of hard work for you but you really don't know what you can achieve. Things do get worse when having this type of T. But there are lots of ways of looking at "achievement anyway". Wisdom, understanding, letting go and improved self belief can all be achievements. From little bits that I have read you post it sounds like you have already grown in certain ways such as assertiveness and more!

I actually think "full healing" is an unhelpful phrase as what is it anyway. I find thinking of an end goal very unhelpful too. I find "growth" a very helpful goal for me. It is something I can definitely achieve and do. Experiencing worsening symptoms does not exclude growth either. I can experience both simultaneously. Growth to me can be understanding, wisdom, processing trauma amongst a lot of other things. I do think think that thinking of it as a journey not a destination is very much more helpful.

Remember that you are only 3 months into therapy and have not processed your trauma's yet! How you see things is going to change in the future.

"No hope" and "all better" are in some ways a teeny bit black and white. ;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree one hundred percent what Abstract said. I could like it one million times.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Abstract, I really appreciate your reply.

I think you have hit the nail on the head - I do swing between denial and hopelessness. Both being fuelled by fear. Fear is one of the most debilitating emotions in this process.

I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown often, having to constantly claw myself back from the edge and pull myself together (which I can't and results in numbing) for my children and my husbands sake. In a perfect world, I would be able to have a break from my life as a Mum and Wife - go to a mental health facility and do some intensive therapy. But, I don't have that option, financially and regarding our family situation.

I am aware that weekly therapy going as slowly as it is, will be ongoing for a long time. I am too aware of just how deeply I am affected by my past, to the point that it controls and affects absolutely everything. And it scares the :poop: out of me, a feeling that I don't handle well at all. So I shut down.

But, you are right, I don't know what I am capable of in the future. None of us know what we are capable of, even for those that have had long term therapy.

 

[Abstract]

I am glad you were OK with my reply Shellbell. I was a bit hesitant posting it as I thought some of it could just be annoying!

Denial can serve a purpose. It can keep us going when too much reality would be damaging. From what I have read it becomes a problem when it results in extreme self hatred or stops progress or us making decisions we need to make. Maybe what is most important for you right now if you feel so at risk is to practice lots and lots of patience, understanding and compassion for yourself. You are dealing with a lot and deserve it.

I have to say that I do not envy you trying to be a mother and deal with this stuff.

I hope it is Ok to ask this but is there truly no way of going to a mental health facility for just a bit? We can put aside the Wife stuff for a bit. I understand the Mother stuff. Remember though that their welfare is caught up in yours and so if this is something you need then it is their interests in the longer term.

I think it is the most normal and functional thing in the world to be that :poop: afraid. It is terrifying stuff. I know you can do it with time though. Others do and you are no different. And in fact are quite obviously intelligent and perceptive and I believe these things help.

If looking at reality means you are on the edge and are struggling to come to terms with that then it makes me wonder if maybe your H does not realise this either. Remember where we find ourselves has nothing to do with what we would like it to be. Sometimes the choices we make are about what we have to do rather than what we wish we could be doing or needing.

 

[Tessa]

A broken pot can be repaired however there will always be a crack where the repair was made. If we fill the crack with gold it will not be a perfect shape however it will shine out and give others hope.

 

[Shellbell]

I really appreciate and need honesty from people Abstract and I'm okay with hearing the difficult things when I know it comes from a place of genuine meaning and concern, and you are always genuine in your meaning and wording, so I really appreciate and welcome that.

We moved here to Aus from the other side of the world to escape and be safer from my worst abuser who threatened my son's life, as well as mine. So, we have no family here and I don't have friends who could look after my children on a regular basis. My husband has just become a cop and works shifts, so school and childcare don't cover most of the times he is working, so I need to be here to look after them. There is no-one else who could look after them.

And, even if that were able to be sorted out, financially, we can't afford intensive treatment, I know it's very expensive and well beyond our finances and I don't have insurance to cover it.

I do consider myself lucky to have a great trauma therapist and a team of professional support, it just means that going weekly will make the process longer.

 

[Abstract]

I don't think long is necessarily bad in some ways. Sometimes it can give us a chance to cope with what needs to be coped with. Also being at home can give one extra incentive to keep moving forward. What I will say though is that if you really feel you are at the end of your rope you need to tell both your H and your T that. Being honest with those around you is really important (being a total hypocrite as I don't do this at all).

I did read somewhere how long the perpetrator got and have to say I was :wideeyed: and :mad: :mad: for you. That he threatened your child after that and you were not properly protected is just plain awful. Even moving counties is stressful for people who don't have other things to deal with. Don't underestimate the effect that all the periphery stressors can have on your well-being either.

Maybe you need to concentrate on showing yourself lots of compassion and focusing on what you can do in the now.

 

[Springer80]

Like its been said above you can't expect to 'go back to normal' and what was back there wasn't normal anyway, it was propped up by all kinds of things.

So it's unlikely that your circumstances will allow you to go to inpatient treatment. Well as long as you don't rule it out totally just because it can't happen now. Your never know what might change.

I think our mind/body/nervous system will always do what it can to re-balance itself. Sometimes brings what looks like a defeat but the 'death' of anything means another life, it happens naturally. I sometimes wonder if we are ever as in control as we reckon.

I read a book by Tim Parks called 'Teach Us to Sit Still', It's about cycles of life, health, emotion and how hey was and wane and occasionally we get an insight into ourselves.

I suppose what I'm saying is this new phase were you don't have to hold yourself up because you can't anymore. Maybe if you change your goals it will be better. I used to dissociate a lot and imagine a warm cosy environment. It was all pretend, now I'm actually trying to do small things in reality that achieve that
feeling.

I had my 'break out' in February but it had been on the way since the spring before in 2011. Perhaps a 'gap in the clouds' has happened in your life that allows all this to come spilling out. Its messy now but it won't be forever.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Springer that "messy" can be a whole lot more real and helpful than certain other states. Even if it does not feel like it.