Opinionated Family

[sydney550]

Does anyone else feel like each family member has some lofty opinion about PTSD they have to share constantly? I feel like some of the people in my family, mainly my sisters, like to act as my therapist and tell me what I'm doing wrong or that I should be able to dig myself out of the hole I'm in. My sister is constantly telling me to find little things that make me happy - which I understand, but when you have PTSD AND you're depressed in general that can be really hard. It's incredibly frustrating and I find it very belittling to what I'm dealing with.

My parents on the other hand are completely oblivious or in denial. I've sat crying in front of them and they don't even comment... I don't understand.

Is it sad I feel closer to my therapist right now than my family? Has anyone else gone through this with family?

 

[ms spock]

Family can be a nightmare. I am so glad that you have your T.

When you are in your throes of PTSD and you are depressed it is very hard to focus on things that make you happy.

Can you say to your sister that her suggestion is not helpful at this time and that you are speaking to a professional in trauma and could she back off for 6 months? (Perhaps not a helpful suggestion.)

Crying and not being acknowledged is painful. I had that with my family. I no longer have contact with them anymore.

Talking about this stuff with your T and limiting contact with your family for a time might be helpful. Good Luck!

 

[circe47]

Sydney-

I can relate. Family can be a nightmare. As for your sisters, perhaps you can take comfort that they are at least TRYING to understand and their intentions are good. I suspect that they don't like seeing you unhappy, and believe they are only trying to get you to realize how truly strong you are, which is evident in your SURVIVAL. I am lucky that my sister read up on PTSD and understands why I am the way I am, what works and what doesn't. Maybe your sisters can do the same?

My parents too, are pretty much blissfully in denial. My father keeps asking me what I have to be so depressed up about, that it is a simple matter to move on and forget childhood abuse, domestic violence and rape without any sort of support system. He emphatically stresses that lots of people have bad things happen to them, himself included. What he fails to see is that lots of these people also have had empathy, support and compassion from family (mommy in particular) to HELP them move on. Now my mother, she pretends not to remember. Then she begins relaying the all the tragedies of my ADULT brother's normal, everyday setbacks. Break ups....moving out of the family home at 23 yrs.....now has no place to pursue his life's dream of riding. She feels that because he is so sensitive and fragile, his spirit is not strong enough to keep from checking out. On the other hand, I was way "too sensitive". I was apparently capable of carrying Mount Everest on my tiny little back as a CHILD in the form my entire class ostracizing and bullying me, being repeatedly molested by a priest and her brother, being slapped, whipped and verbally denigrated by her for acting out. Paradoxically, I am NOT sensitive or perceptive enough to feel and see the obvious when I was a child, nor as a grown woman.

Your parents denial comes from the inability to comprehend how horribly they POSSIBLY failed you. Whether they contributed to your misery by way of abuse or neglect, only you can say and is between you and them. If this is the case, they have an extremely bitter pill yet to swallow. Or, barring all that, they simply cannot accept that their beloved child is in so much pain, and feel powerless for not having prevented it.

Please take comfort in knowing that most likely, if your sisters are anything like mine, they hurt for you and only want to help. Maybe you can reconnect through common interests or hobbies that you used to enjoy together. Me and my sister connect through our artistic endeavors and find a lot of pleasure in sharing our photography and other forms of art.

Lastly, it IS sad what you are going through with your family. In spite of everything, you love them and want a connection. Unfortunately, PTSD changes the way we to relate to others and the world in a fundamental way. Unlike others who have shared similar experiences to ours, people in general still have their care-free illusions about safety in the world and the people in it.

Peace and good luck,
Circe

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My family was in denial when I first started therapy. That should have been a big wake up call for me. The denial lasted for years. Funny thing though, whenever we got together we would all talk about how bad our parents were. I was outnumbered. I think I survived the best of them all. I have contact with one sister, by phone only. I have to keep my distance. You are not alone.

 

[sydney550]

Thank you for all the support. I think I feel the most empty after I've seen my family because it just doesn't click and I want so badly for at least my family to understand. I think PTSD is one of the loneliest things to go through - I'm very grateful for this forum and to have people to talk with.

 

[saffy]

HI Sydney550

I know it must be hard to live with, being given advice from people who do not really understand so are basically stating the obvious can feel very patronising. Are their motives genuine though? Maybe they are just helping you in the wrong way. Maybe you could talk to them about how they can support you better?

I am glad you find this forum supportive too :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Sydney,

I can understand your frustration. When you are experiencing aftermath of trauma, you need someone who can relate, show compassion, treat you with kindness, good positive support. My family is in pretty much denial, not understanding me and more over they act like they know everything. It does frustrate me.

You want love and comfort from your sister. You can tell her that there is no need to be professional and let her know about this gently.

I doesn't make sense when someone keeps advising you most of the time.

 

[Philippa]

Crying in front of family and being ignored is terrible. I've had that one too, when I was homeless. I was with my two brothers and father, and they all pretended I wasn't even there when I was bawling my eyes out for about 15 minutes. They just carried on talking as though it wasn't even happening...which made me even more upset. I couldn't stop crying that time. I would have jumped out of the car except for it being night time and very far away from where I lived, and i had no money on me to get a train.

My mother acted genuinely ignorant of the fact that I have PTSD when I reminded her a few months ago...event though she was in the psychiatrists office, along with my father, the day the psychiatrist told them both that I have this disorder. They both must have gone into denial the moment they heard it, and the whole session turned into a weird intervention, where the psychiatrist was trying to hold my mother accountable for stealing all my money that I saved up for traveling...which she has never sincerely apologized for, ten years later.

It was a nightmare, and I know just how bad it feels to be co upset and have no one even acknowledge your tears or pain, even when it is so obvious.

I've been in a lot of pain today, from the situation with my 'family'. Sometimes it gets easier, and other days it is very hard.

I think deep down they know we are in pain, but it is just so hard for them to admit and come to terms with. No parent (apart from the truly sadistic ones) likes to see their child in pain, but as a result, it causes even more pain by their total denial and lack of support.

 

[Whitneys story]

It can be very invalidating when those around us think that offering lip service is beneficial. Have you considered finding some facts in print for them to read.

Most people are clueless of PTSD and the affects. Families are extremely defensive. Providing them with facts will bring insight, although we can not make them read it! I wish you success on your journey.

 

[Philippa]

Going by how my mother reacted when I tried to get her to read a book on emotional abuse, I'm not sure she'd be too interested. My father at least gave me the number for 'beyond blue' which is the local agency that tries to raise awareness about depression...even though I already knew a lot about depression. It was still sweet of him to even bother. My mother just though I was faking being depressed, so she didn't really get involved except to get me to go on meds...which she thinks fixes all problems. Just take a pill...that's her motto.

She initially feigned interest in reading the book I recommended, and even admitted that her and dad needed to change or they'd never see me again...but that soon changed when she realized she would actually have to work hard for this...and reverted back to showing no interest...didn't even buy the book, when she promised she would the next day.

I'm pretty sure my mother would not even be interested in finding out about PTSD. My father may or may not have already looked up information about it...but either way, I'm having no contact with them now, and it's been 8 years since I was diagnosed. I've done pretty well on my own, and I think I'd do better without their 'help' honestly. They are incapable of showing empathy and emotional support, so what's the point?

I appreciate the suggestion though Whitney's story. If they showed any interest in wanting to know more then I would say yeah great idea...but they don't. All they want is for me to go back to being the scapegoat and pretending none of it ever happened.

 

[Whitneys story]

All they want is for me to go back to being the scapegoat and pretending none of it ever happened.

Not that this is intended to make you feel better but this is the general consensus. Some parents will go to the end of the earth in denial. What is so difficult about considering a slight possibility that they are not perfect either.

It takes strength to hold your ground! I am happy you have found it. No one will do it for us! Rarely do members of a family grow up under the same roof! Hugs Whitney

 

[ms spock]

I'm pretty sure my mother would not even be interested in finding out about PTSD. My father may or may not have already looked up information about it...but either way, I'm having no contact with them now, and it's been 8 years since I was diagnosed. I've done pretty well on my own, and I think I'd do better without their 'help' honestly. They are incapable of showing empathy and emotional support, so what's the point?

I came to the same point Phillipa. My family didn't want to deal with our past. There was no empathy or emotional support. So I haven't seen most of my family since the time around the Bali bombings and I haven't seen my other sister since about the time of the London bombings. I have gotten much better, in away, I never would have if I was still seeing them.

If they showed any interest in wanting to know more then I would say yeah great idea...but they don't. All they want is for me to go back to being the scapegoat and pretending none of it ever happened.

My family never wanted to remember what happened in our family and they always wanted to use me as the scapegoat and definitely were committed to pretending none of it ever happened.