General Does Anyone Else's Sufferer Think Only In Black & White?

[paulisgirl]

There is no in between for my guy. He is so literal that I can not ever answer a question right and I end up being called a liar. For example, we broke up for a year and during that time I "dated" 1 person, upon getting back together he heard something about me and this other guy who I dated 20 years ago and still talk to occasionally (he heard it from a girl trying to get in his pants..so we all know why she said this to him) and so after telling me this my guy asks me if I had "slept" with this person and I said no, so he jumps to "you didn't sleep with him 20 years ago?" :arghh; REALLY...how was I supposed to answer that, yes then he'd have said, so it's true you were with him and well you just saw how NO ended up.

I tell him he is too literal and he says that is the only way to be...but I see it as 1) he is purposely asking me trick ?'s or 2) he really is that literal and I need to ask ?'s before I answer~which won't work because he expects answers now if I'm thinking about it Im thinking about how to lie OR 3.) I need to be psychic in order to communicate better and provide a proper answer. HELP this is driving me bonkers because I cannot answer or talk about anything without the flip into his pissed off mind. Any advise is appreciated. Thanks

 

[Bilby]

The twenty questions and interrogation would drive me nuts - it sounds like he has some issues with trust - would that be true?

My husband has a tendency to think he is right all the time and will argue his point and often ask me quite a few different questions and I feel as though I am on the witness stand - but I don't ever feel as though it is a matter of him questioning the trust between us or doubting me, it's more his way of proving his point and demonstrating that he is right or finding a way to support his argument. I have to admit that I find it somewhat annoying and intimidating and I know that is not what he's intending, but it's the way I end up feeling and as though my thoughts aren't being heard and that I couldn't possibly be right.

Have you told him how you feel about things and perhaps asked him why he approaches things with you in this way?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have ptsd and have a real bad tendancy to think in terms of all or nothing. I am struggling with this today. Thanks for posting this one. I needed the reminder.

It sounds like your guy has issues and it is not you. I think you could if you wanted to make stronger boundries between you both.. You know bottom line behaviours and words that he does not cross with you anymore.

 

[Abstract]

Answering the question directly rather than looking at your particular issue I would be surprised if everyone with complex trauma or child abuse without PTSD even did not have an issue in some way with black and white thinking and it is a big problem and interferes with so much. At it's worst it is developmental and actually has more significance than it even appears to. It falls under one of the many cognitive distortions that cause havoc for us and our relationships.

On top of that he seems to have some faulty thinking getting caught up in semantics rather looking at context. It can seem purposeful but for some people they genuinely are confused that others see an issue in the way they are perceiving things. Healthy thinking allows us to look at the big picture and someone's meaning. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Abstract you are so wise. Well said. It has caused all sorts of problems for me and others. I can confront and have done so. Now I am more careful and choose my battles more easily. I am not going to waste my time and energy on someone so immature and ignorant of the big picture.

There is so much grey. I tend to forget that and have to be remimded. I am so messed up on the inside. I used to tell people I was emtionally retarded. I am so sad I said that about myself. I am so sorry. I am slowly waking up out of a bunch of illusions that have been fraught with black and white thinking. I have been in denial.

I figure I am suffering growing pains right now.

Awareness is an amazing thing. How it clarifies things. This is a great thread. It is not all or nothing thinking. There is so much room for grey. Thank you for what you said. Well said. Bravo.

 

[discarded]

My sufferer definitely sees things black and white and takes everything literally. Sometimes to his own advantage as a means of avoidance I think. It drives me nuts.

 

[amethist]

my husband used to think in black and white, a bit different now and he sees that there are many sides to things not just his way.

 

[smogmonster]

Yes, it has been a big problem for my sufferer. Sometimes she is able to see why her thinking is distorted when it's pointed out in a conversation, but when she's triggered it's impossible - it always precedes her cutting off communication with me. Not to minimize her feelings - I know these incidents are important to her, and I'm trying to find out what's going on. Since she's not in treatment or therapy, she's not able to communicate how she is being affected. I'm learning as we go, but it's still a minefield, and establishing boundaries is tricky.

 

[Sailorgal]

I agree with the others. Sounds like some trust issues. It's ok if he wants to be b&w, but obviously there is a grey ulterior motive. Its not the question that's the problem, it's the reason WHY he cares....

 

[Sailorgal]

Yes, it has been a big problem for my sufferer. Sometimes she is able to see why her thinking is distorted when it's pointed out in a conversation, but when she's triggered it's impossible - it always precedes her cutting off communication with me. Not to minimize her feelings - I know these incidents are important to her, and I'm trying to find out what's going on.

Oh my smogmonster, you sound exactly like my ex...same words used...

I don't know how familiar you with ptsd abd what your gf went thru but it's true that her perceptions won't make any sense. It's like a foreign language. My ex is very logical (me too) and even when I laid things out to explain it to him, he couldn't get it.

Not sure how long you have dated but if she has never received treatment, you have to be careful.

 

[p-no]

Have you checked Asperger's Syndrome? That literalness is one of the main symptoms. Many folks with AS also have PTSD. If you want to, check Tony Attwood's webpage. Seriously.

 

[discarded]

Prime-no this has been suggested about my husband by a few people. He has always been a literal thinker but it is extreme since PTSD. Still not sure about it though and if it is true, then what?