Relationship Soldier Withdrew From You When He Got Home

[Saec]

I wanted to know if there was anyone on here who has been with someone in the military who came home detached and numb and withdrew from you. I wrote another post but it was quite long and basically boiled down to this. I thought it would be easier to just ask this question point blank. My guy withdrew and has been withdrawn for a month. I know he is dealing with PTSD issues, it's very obvious. I just don't know if we were part of them or something else entirely. Has anyone else gone through this?

 

[HollyB]

Did he withdraw over time after coming back, or was it immediate?

My soldier withdrew slowly over two months, but is still in contact.

 

[discarded]

My husband was distant for quite some time on return from each deployment. We would have 1 night of sex, basically to fulfill his needs after months away and then he would isolate from me and the kids. He has been diagnosed with re-adjustment disorder along with his PTSD, which basically covers the fact that he finds it hard to fit back in to family life after months away. Basically the past 7 years, since his last deployment and his diagnosis, he has not been able to fit back in really. Hence, we have left him on his own and he seems much happier. Mind you the rest of us aren't happy at all.

 

[Saec]

He withdrew over a few days. We were friends for years although we have lived in different states before we fell for each other while he was in afghan for a few months. Withdrew when we got together when he came home.

But I think I know what happened. I think we just didn't connect when we were together. For as close as we were while he was in afghan, something just didn't fit. It's kinda strange sounding, but the whole time he was in afghan he had this scruffy beard. It was just him to me. Then before he got here he had to shave it off because someone messed up trimming it.

I know it sounds a little silly, but when you're relationship developed in strange circumstances with only phone, text and video as communication, you become safe and attached to the person you see all the time. And when he got here he just didn't look entirely like the guy I was so close to. It was just about feeling safe in a very strange stressful situation.

I'm sure things would have been ok had we had the time to try to connect. But things just got bad after that with him starting to feel detached and overwhelmed from his return and possible PTSD. I reacted to him unknowingly and he reacted to me and the unfamiliar situation. It was a bad combination.

Unfortunately I don't think we ever got the opportunity to connect after that. There were too many game pieces at play by that point. Alot happened in a very short amount if time. I don't think either one of us could have saved it.

Fast forward a month and its just been me tracking out to him countless times and him telling me he can't handle talking about anything right now. I think in my heart that he just accepted things didn't feel right and I never did. I feel like we let down those two people that cared about each other so much in afghan. And I wish we could do it over.

 

[HollyB]

I totally understand what you're saying, and I think my relationship is suffering for the same reason. Like you, we were friends for years before we reconnected. The majority of our relationship was via phone, email and video from Afghanistan (10 months of that!), and our feelings really progressed via those mediums. It was a comfortable situation to be in, for both of us, for very different reasons. It also felt very...fairytale like. High expectations are really, really hard to meet.

When he got back, dealing with readjusting and PTSD and reconnecting in person has seemed too much to handle all at once. I think there's still hope for us, as we're still very much in contact and he wants to maintain contact. We talk every day, we see each other every few days, we still have sex. But the level of emotion that I have, isn't the same as the level of emotion HE has. And for now, that's okay. My feelings are way ahead of his. He needs time to catch up, and I need time to see if he can catch up.

 

[Saec]

U

I totally understand what you're saying, and I think my relationship is suffering for the same reason. Like you, we were friends for years before we reconnected. The majority of our relationship was via phone, email and video from Afghanistan (10 months of that!), and our feelings really progressed via those mediums. It was a comfortable situation to be in, for both of us, for very different reasons. It also felt very...fairytale like. High expectations are really, really hard to meet.

When he got back, dealing with readjusting and PTSD and reconnecting in person has seemed too much to handle all at once. I think there's still hope for us, as we're still very much in contact and he wants to maintain contact. We talk every day, we see each other every few days, we still have sex. But the level of emotion that I have, isn't the same as the level of emotion HE has. And for now, that's okay. My feelings are way ahead of his. He needs time to catch up, and I need time to see if he can catch up.

Unfortunately for us the problem is we live in different states. And although we met each other years ago our friendship has always been long distance. Although there had always been an attraction between us. I just can't believe that we both always wondered what if and then this is how it ends.

I'm glad you still seem to be connected. All mine tells me is that he needs space to see someone and figure some stuff out. I tried texting him today to tell him that I may have figured out what happened with us. He told me that maybe I should write it down and ask him in a few months because he can't talk to me right now. Still says emotions and feelings are too hard to deal with and that he does not know what happened. He told me to stop trying to figure out what happened in his head. Which kind of annoys me because it happened to me too....of course I'm going to try to figure it out. It almost feels like he thinks he went through everything alone, like I should have no feeling on the subject. Its all very strange.

 

[HollyB]

Unfortunately for us the problem is we live in different states. And although we met each other years ago our friendship has always been long distance. Although there had always been an attraction between us.

Until he got out of the Army, our friendship was cross-country as well. I get it. Thankfully, he's back here now, which makes it easier to see each other and reconnect.

But it's a blessing and a curse, because knowing he's "right there" now in terms of distance, but now "not there" emotionally, is like a complete change to what once was - that is, "not there" in terms of distance, but "totally, 100% there" in terms of emotions. It's a complete swap! It's maddening!

I just can't believe that we both always wondered what if and then this is how it ends.

Again, I get it. Totally. We always wondered "what if?"... but maybe now we know.

I tried texting him today to tell him that I may have figured out what happened with us. He told me that maybe I should write it down and ask him in a few months because he can't talk to me right now. Still says emotions and feelings are too hard to deal with and that he does not know what happened. He told me to stop trying to figure out what happened in his head. Which kind of annoys me because it happened to me too....of course I'm going to try to figure it out. It almost feels like he thinks he went through everything alone, like I should have no feeling on the subject. Its all very strange.

I can understand where he's coming from. It can be annoying to have someone tell us what our individual feelings are, and what our individual experience has been. Yes, there are two people in a relationship, and he wasn't in your relationship alone - you were in it too! But his experience is his experience, just as yours is yours. Where our men are concerned, all we can really do is speculate about what happened on their end, in their head, until or unless they open us and tell us. Until then, all we can know for sure is what happened in ours.

 

[Saec]

all we can really do is speculate about what happened on their end, in their head, until or unless they open us and tell us.

Do you find it odd at all that he is still somewhat staying reachable through all this. That he doesn't just block me or change his number which he threatened to do awhile ago and never did. If someone annoyed the crap out of me like that id block them in a second. But he hasn't, and when I annoy him enough he responds ( be it angrily) to my texts. I would just ignore them or again....block someone. And then he says talk to me in a few months cause I can't deal with all this now. Instead of just saying that he never wants to speak to me again, that we shouldn't ever talk. I just find it all a little weird coming from someone who says they feel nothing towards me. Why not just erase me completely from his life? He says the feelings aren't there and it's not meant to be..... But I don't get this whole part of it.

 

[HollyB]

Do you find it odd at all that he is still somewhat staying reachable through all this. That he doesn't just block me or change his number which he threatened to do awhile ago and never did. If someone annoyed the crap out of me like that id block them in a second.

Personally, no. I don't find it that odd that he hasn't blocked your phone number. It takes a bit of effort, and depending on the carrier, actually costs money, to block a number from calling and texting you.

But he hasn't, and when I annoy him enough he responds ( be it angrily) to my texts. I would just ignore them or again....block someone. And then he says talk to me in a few months cause I can't deal with all this now. Instead of just saying that he never wants to speak to me again, that we shouldn't ever talk. I just find it all a little weird coming from someone who says they feel nothing towards me. Why not just erase me completely from his life? He says the feelings aren't there and it's not meant to be..... But I don't get this whole part of it.

Can I ask why you keep texting him when he's repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly (from your own posts), asked you not to, and has asked to wait a few months before contacting him?

It sounds like he's BEGGING you for space and no contact. He doesn't want to block you completely from his life, especially after 10 years of friendship. But you're refusing to comply with his requests. I'm not even him and I'm getting frustrated reading about you ignoring his repeated requests for you to not talk to him and leave him alone, and to contact him in a few months. You keep trying to figure out what happened to your relationship, to benefit you. You're not respecting his needs. It's actually disrespectful to him, IMHO.

 

[Saec]

Yes I know. Today was the first day I got it. All I can explain it as is this uncontrollable urge to share with him things that come into my head. I understand its frustrating. I don't quite get it myself. I just feel like I have to tell him things that might change how he's thinking.....or something like that. I hate that I did it because I really am a smart educated woman. And I know it comes off as disrespectful....and I don't mean it to be. I just get the thought that I need to explain certain things to him so he'll see me and situations differently. And I always feel bad afterwards. My brain says leave him alone....but my heart says try to get him to understand.

And that's what I worry about most. That now that I've come out of this ridiculous haze that he will have given up on me forever because of this. I hate what I've done and I wish I could take it back.

 

[Saec]

I just posted this on another thread. And I do appreciate your honesty. Sometimes you need someone to be blunt with you.

Like right now? All I feel is guilt. And I want to tell him I'm so sorry for not leaving him alone. But therein lies the problem.....if I text him to tell him I'm sorry for not leaving him alone, then I'm not leaving him alone. My brain gets this. My heart doesn't want to listen. Thankfully now I'm in a different place so it's not even something I would consider anymore. But I just kinda wanted to explain how my mind had been working....

 

[HollyB]

I hear you, I really do.

I've written my guy soooo many draft emails, and just kept them to myself. I think if I pestered him, I'd end up pushing him away. I get my immediate thoughts out via those never-sent draft emails, or by talking to girlfriends, or posting here... and then if/when he reaches out to me and we talk or see each other, I'm able to address it then, at the right moment (I have to choose them carefully).

I bet you dollars to donuts if you just ease off, and don't contact him - AT ALL! - that he'll come back around, and eventually, you'll be able to talk about it. But don't do it straight out the gate. Wait for the right time and place.