Abused - Your Role In The Relationship

[piratelady]

It finally clicked that I did play a role in ending up being abused - I didn't talk about those things I didn't like and just tried to ignore them. I also ignored my gut instincts.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. I have found I am too afraid to actually speak up when something has happened.

It is almost surreal. Something happens and I realize I need to say something. Then the fear gets the best of me and I allow things to happen that should not. This is definitely something I will need to work on so that my previous traumas are not repeated.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Whi is it so hard to stand up for ourselves. I get frozen when I am caught off guard. It takes me time to process what happened. I have so often just walked away in silence and not looked back. It is avoidance and the combination of having to deal with someone I am suddenly confused about. I thought the person was safe. But when things said or done hurt me, I freeze not knowing what the appropriate response is. I need a time out to think and journal and research about it. I go to the forum and seek advice and support.

I guess I want to do it perfectly. I worry that I will get hurt worse. I am afraid of confronting the person. I have been so badly burned by the past. It is the adult thing to do to go back to the person who hurt me and to discuss it. I have to be so strong.

It is the adult thing to do. I recently did this with someone and it turned out ok. It turned out good. I consider that a sign of my growth. I did it. I am very happy that I did it. I kept a friend. I am tired of losing people.

Conflict is a part of life. It was not safe to confront my abusive family. I learned to freeze and to hold it all in. But I am an adult now and I have to take better care of me from now on. I sure hope this makes sense.

 

[Sailorgal]

Gizmo,

Speaking up will cost you relationships as well as strengthening some. But you can't worry about the outcome. Everyone handles conflict differently. What is important is that you speak up for YOU.

I'm one to tell you to speak up! For years I held back and burned in anger. After my trauma I went the extreme and can't stop voicing things now! Lol! But better to rectify than living in your own mental hell.

Your voice is yours and it is your RIGHT to use it. In college, I learned to stand up for myself because my friends were that way. It made me stronger and not let people step all over me. :)

 

[Shellbell]

Sailorgal, you are right, standing up for yourself does cost you sometimes and it also makes you see clearly what people's intentions are. We all have the right to stand up for what we believe in and have our opinion heard and respected and if people can't respect your view, then that's there own problem/insecurities and it's best to ignore them, rather than react with emotion no matter how much they keep trying to hurt you.

I'm glad you are stronger and don't let people step all over you :tup:

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks Shellbell. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way when I say that we need to get to a point to stop caring about everyone else. Like you said, it's their responsibility in how they handle it.

PTSD makes us focus on everyone else thus making us think about what we should say/think. It takes practice.

My mantra? "Oh well!" :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sailorgal, I love your mantr, oh well. It sure works for me. It will either work out or it won't. These are truths that cannot be shaken. I need to remember them.

I just hate being caught off guard. I need to learn more about why I get off guard when I need to keep my guard up.

 

[Shellbell]

Sailorgal, it does take practice and most the time I can do it. There are times when the issue is very distressing and I react emotionally, but I can re-focus and get back to how I need to be. Trauma & PTSD are very difficult to deal with and it's a learning curve. Fortunately, I have many around me who love me and care for me and know my heart and the rest....well they can go jump. As you say 'ah well'.

 

[Sailorgal]

Off guard? The off with their heads!! Ha!! Sorry, dark humor there.

Gizmo-that's what we are all here for, to keep encouraging each other.

Shellbell-you made a key statement. People that know you won't take things the wrong way. They may not agree but they won't be turned away.

When people take things too personally, meaning they refuse to see where you're coming from, you will NEVER say the right thing. As PTSD goes, I think one of the issues is we think there is a "good" or "right" way to do something due to need for live and acceptance.

We need to see that everyone is an individual and there are billions of different personalities out there. Many cultural differences too even within a city! And different responses are OK. You say "pop," I say " soda." :)

 

[Abstract]

It is almost surreal. Something happens and I realize I need to say something. Then the fear gets the best of me and I allow things to happen that should not.

Piratelady, you are far from alone and I think it takes a lot of work and perseverance. One of the best ways to get the fear to be less intense is to face it and get through it over and over again. Pleasant? No! :(:arghh; But sadly there is no painless solution.

I still freeze at times. My husband pushed me violently twice fairly recently (in response to asking him to help me with something and after all being perfectly fine) and for the first time ever I was able to instinctively feel some anger and say "don't" loudly before blanking and finding myself in a shaking heap in the corner of the livingroom and on the floor. In the past I would not have been able to say or do anything so it can be done and you can do this. It just takes hard work and practice.

The problem is that when there is previous trauma then situations where we need to defend ourselves can trigger intense emotions. It is hard to "go there" on purpose.

So, I am not repeating patterns from the past which is good, but have created a whole new problem at the other extreme.

Shellbell it is great that you have identified this as a problem. I think it is also probably pretty common. I have a good book on boundaries and it describes those who have been abused as having rigid issues with boundaries and these issues can change in pattern and how they look.

So not having any boundaries can be one issue or people can have too rigid boundaries or both in different parts of their lives. Those with healthy boundaries are flexible and can let boundaries up and down as is appropriate and in a fluid way that allows them to get the best out of relationships with others and themselves.

Some of my rigid boundaries have become me entirely distancing people emotionally or physically and or both.

 

[KatB]

Boundaries- hmmm, they are well needed but not respected. In my family, boundaries were always crossed. Emotions never accepted as normal. Always laughed at or sensitively insensitive responses.