Opened Up To Family

[99Phoenix99]

Well...

I'm in the middle of a medical emergency. Again. That's the story of my life. I've been in and out of hospitals since I was 15. And I always had to be strong. My parents and sister would break down even though I was the one that was hospitalized/on my death bed/in excruciating pain.

I had to be strong. I had to comfort them.

Anytime I ever showed I was upset they would all go bezerk. Make a big production and cause more drama then it was worth.

So I stopped. I stopped sharing feelings with them. I knew they cared but they honestly made life hell when all I wanted was for someone to listen and say I'm sorry. I just wanted peace and quiet and they brought the proverbial circus.

So I stopped. I depended on myself to self soothe. I loved them and they loved me but I took myself away from them. I put up a wall. I never asked for anything because they've provided me with everything I needed anyhow.

I could handle it.

But I couldn't handle it this time.

I'm on bed rest right now with lots of pain meds. And I couldn't keep it together. I opened up to my sister. She lives in a different state, so I could only talk to her on the phone, but I actually TALKED to her. I told her my feelings. I think as far as I can remember I've only done that 3 times in the past 7 years. The first was when I was going to college for the first time. The second was when my BF broke up with me. And then last night.

We always talk. And she always shares her feelings and her problems but rarely do I ever.

And it was nice telling her how I felt. Sure I was balling my eyes out the whole time. But I could tell she cared. She told me she loved me and I could tell she meant it.

She told me that I was strong.

It felt really good. To connect. To have someone believe in me.

Also while in the ER I finally told my mother I had PTSD.

So... Some success in the middle of hell? Some silver lining?

 

[NIKI]

I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you were able to finally find comfort for yourself.:tup:

 

[Shellbell]

I am so happy for you. Not for you being in pain, but having opened up to family and receiving the support and care you need and deserve. I think opening up to people who do genuinely care are sometimes the positives in the middle of what feels like hell. Your family obviously do really care about you and I know you don't want to hurt or upset them, but you are giving them the opportunity now to do what caring family do - look after each other.

Someone told me recently that by denying I needed help, was denying them the opportunity to provide help and denying their care and show love to me and my family. I hadn't thought of it that way until then.

Sending you healing vibes :hug:

 

[99Phoenix99]

:D Thanks.

It really is nice to let them comfort me. It's something I enjoyed and appreciated more than I thought I could. It just ... it worries me when I let them do that.

I don't know if I can accurately explain this but... there've been studies of families who have a chronically ill child. The studies show that the families have have varied responses to it, one of which is they begin to become overtly involved in the child's life. They become anxious about EVERY LITTLE thing that happens to the child and feel the need to be on top of everything. They need to know every detail. And they treat them differently because they're afraid of anything that may affect the child adversely. And they'll do ANYTHING to keep the child safe. They become... obsessive if you will. They try to make the child safe and if they could they would put the child in a bubble. And it makes sense. I can understand that. They want to do whatever they can to protect me but... at what cost?

I don't like talking badly about my family. This is something I'm having difficulties wording because I love my family. They've gone above and beyond for me. And I KNOW some people will just consider me being spoiled right now for saying this ... but sometimes they care TOO MUCH.

For example if I said I had a headache? All of the sudden the TV is shut off. My sister made herself scarce. And everyone dropped EVERYTHING. Just because I had a headache. It wasn't even a bad headache and I would explain that to them. But "It's alright. We want you to feel better." And truly it touched me. It made me happy. But keep in mind I have chronic pain. I have nerve and muscle damage. Everyday was hell when it first started . Everyday is still a struggle.

And everyday I was the one that made them stop in their tracks. They had to stop what they liked doing because of me. Whether it was talking on the phone or watching a TV show. It was and still is ME. They sacrifice EVERYTHING. Their time. Their friends. Their hobbies. All because of ME. For the smallest of things. I never asked for any of it. They just did it.

They were always happy when they were doing what they were doing. And I was the one that stopped it all. They're so self sacrificing. To the point where they were neglecting themselves. I asked them to stop... but they continued anyways.

That's another reason why I stopped communicating to them about how I felt. They were revolving around me. It was horrible. I ruined their lives. They would never say that, they would be upset at me for saying that. But it is what it is. I could see it. How they tried so hard to help me only to end up running themself ragged. Driving me to and from Dr appointments all over the state. Seeking "alternative" healing practices. Buying me things. Everything they did, while I appreciated it in the end didn't really help me in the least. Nothing could help. That's the cold truth. Pain doesn't just go away. Their kindness has become a thing of guilt for me. Their kindness became a burdon.

They would stop seeing friends and they would forgo their own needs to buy me something I neither wanted or needed. They would stay home either from exhaustion or saying they didn't want me home alone... I'm more than comfortable in entertaining myself. I've always been like that. I don't need prolonged periods of time with people. But THEY do. They need it. Another thing I took from them.

At any indication of discomfort they would do this. They would drop everything of their own and in turn want to do everything for me.

Everything.

They wanted every thought of mine. Every physical ailment. And then try to fix it only to realize they couldn't.

Every single day. Multiple times a day.

Not only was that smothering for me... but it added to the guilt. I know they chose to willingly gave up everything for me. I've been told it's what they wanted but.... I changed their lives. I worsened it. They lived in constant worry. They were jumpy. Stressed. Upset. Plastering on smiles for me.

If I wanted to go out with friends they would look at me with worry and fear. "Are you sure? You said you're not feeling too well. What if? What if?"... and they would try to change my mind.

If I wanted to go to school "Are you sure? You're not looking too good. You're very pale. What if..."

If I wanted to go to a movie "Are you sure? You're dizzy. Why don't I go with you just in case"

"Well go with you."

"Your sister will take you."

I was never left alone.

Never.

They were worried. I understand that now. But at the time? I was angry. They were saying I was incapable. And I would fight with them. Just because I was in pain didn't mean I couldn't do it. Pain wasn't an excuse. It was something I needed to get used to. Try as they might I wouldn't let them put me in a bubble and never let me live.

The more they did this the more I retreated into myself. The more I stopped sharing.

I became self sufficient. I never asked for help. If I needed to get something done I figured it out on my own. If I wanted something I'd get it myself. Otherwise.... I'd just be hand fed for no other reason than for me being ill. That kind of treatment I learned to loathe. Being treated differently, treated with pity.

The less I shared... the less they questioned. If they didn't know about my face spasming then they wouldn't worry about me going out. If I didn't share that I was dizzy then they wouldn't be panicked. If I didn't tell them.... they could be relaxed. They could be happy. They could do what they liked. The less I shared the less I was treated like a glass doll. The less I shared the more they got to live their lives. The less I shared... the less guilt I had at ruining their lives.

I don't know if anyone can understand this. But as a child who sees her family fall to shambles because of her... there's guilt. That I cause nothing but fear and worry in such a loving family. That these people who deserve all this happiness should be stuck with such a burdon... such dead weight. I'm happy enough to be blessed that I'm in this family. That should be enough for me. If I asked for anything more it'd be asking for too much.

I'm afraid to open up to them again. I'm afraid to open up that can of worms again. If I open up they'll assume responsibility for me again. Smother me. And sacrifice way too much again.

I can't live with that.

I want to be close to them... but I can't. Not if that's the cost. Is that crazy? That I'm going to limit myself from their affection so they don't hurt themselves?

Sorry for rambling... I just needed to get that out there. Maybe I should post this on a different thread....

 

[Whitneys story]

@99phoenix99, Well done! I am glad you were able to say what you needed. It is a huge accomplishment.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In my opinion it is not your fault. They are adults making their own choices and no one is twisting their arm. I hate to see you carrying such a heavy load when you do not want to. You are innocent. I can understand your not telling them when you do not feel good. I am so sorry that they had that kind of effect on you.

I wish you the best in this pain you suffer from. I am sorry about it. You are so quite grown up about it. You have such a mature attitude about your pain management.

I guess your family cannot stand to see you in pain and are trying to protect you from that. I hope you will be able to share more about how you feel with them. My heart goes out to you. Try not to beat yourself up for causing them pain. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

Wow! Well done to you Phoenix! :tup: Changing patterns like that is huge and always very scary.

This happens a lot to people who are abused and I can see why it developed for you. Essentially you became a "caretaker" as you ended up taking responsibility for their emotions. And that was probably partly because they were not really respecting your boundaries. It may not appear to be but I think it is a boundary issue. I think it is a totally understandable and human reaction but imagine almost anyone in your position would have found it difficult and that it would make it more difficult for you.

That doesn't mean your family are evil. They obviously love you and meant well and reacted as many would. But I think it is perfectly fine to discuss it and to admit that it added difficulties for you.

Good news is that you can speak up and you can change things and are! :tup: You can give up being the "caretaker" and can have more authentic and balanced relationships with others.

I don't know if you know this but caretaking can also be an attempt at taking control of a situation. If you are interested there is a lot of information around on the subject.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I don't know if you know this but caretaking can also be an attempt at taking control of a situation. If you are interested there is a lot of information around on the subject.

I've actually just spoken to my T about this today.

About the blurred lines and boundaries.

I've.... Oh God I've actually scheduled a family therapy appointment on the 8th for this month. I'm terrified and told my therapist she'd probably have to do most of the talking. I'm no good about talking about these things in person. It cuts too deep for me.

I feel guilty that I need to tell them to back off.

They've done so much for me, what right do I have to complain?

I'm just really scared about how this is going to go next week. I know I should count this as a step towards healing. Trying to get my family on the same page but... I'm on pins and needles about this :nailbiting:

 

[devildoc130]

I am so happy for you!