How We Can Break Loneliness

[Tanishq]

I am finding it more hard to break it. I never thought it will be so hard and I will be facing this challenge,too.

I would like to discuss and bring up ideas to break it.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I'm in the same position but I'm lonely surrounded by people . Do you live alone?

 

[intothelight]

Just looking for clarification. Is the loneliness due to isolation, feeling that you can't relate to people, both or something else?

 

[Tanishq]

No, I don't live alone. I live with parents and siblings. but they don't pay attention to me. They don't talk with me.

 

[Tanishq]

Is the loneliness due to isolation, feeling that you can't relate to people,

Both.

At park place, I see lot of healthy people. At the same time I have no idea what to do initiate to talk with them. Well, they all are focused for walking.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I've been able to meet people through regular attendance at places like gyms or yoga studios. I'm not a chatty person by nature, but after seeing the same people week after week you develop a comfort level and conversation is easier.

For example, I used to go to the gym 6 days a week. When I first started I wouldn't talk or look at anyone. Gradually it moved up to a head nod, to a verbal hello and then general chit chat. It wasn't deep insightful conversations but it was nice to go somewhere and know people in that casual manner.

 

[Tanishq]

That's nice to hear that you got to talk with comfort.

Your thought sounds. It takes time to come in contact.

 

[intothelight]

Jaret,

It is tough to start socializing again, but it can be done and done successfully, and the result can be some very healthy and rewarding relationships. This are just some things I did on my own and really no expertise here, just someone "who's been there and done that".

The first thing I had to remember is that I "saw" the world differently than other people. I called it looking through PTSD glasses, but the correct name is cognitive distortions. You need to be aware of what your distortions are and make sure you self-check in occasionally to make sure they aren't directing you.

For example, I had a horrible sense of self-worth and believed that people would not want to spend time with me because I was "a horrible person". The reality was I am not a horrible person, but I was playing a lot of negatives from the past and projecting them into the present and especially upon people they didn't belong to.

So I started slow. Ask a friend to lunch and I would listen to them and then ask questions based upon what they had said. When they ask me, I kept the conversation in the same vein. Kept things light and upbeat and then proceeded to do more social events and take personal conversations to a deeper level. It was time and practice.

No it was not comfortable and sometimes it felt like shear torture to push myself to do it, but looking back it was the best thing I did for myself. I find myself in a strange place right now, because I can see the world through mentally healthy eyes, but I also remember how things looked through uncontrolled PTSD. Sometimes I feel like I have my feet in two worlds.

One of the best things I ever did to recognize and to stop the negative self-talk was a little thing called the Fourteen Day Challenge. You'll find it in Chit Chat and you might want to try it. Gave me a lot of insight as to just how negative and hard on myself I was being. It helped me make that turning point so to speak.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[The Albatross]

From Science Life, How to Fight Loneliness:

“Several studies have shown that lonely people have incorrect assumptions about themselves and about how other people perceive them. If you bring them all together, it’s like bringing people with abnormal perceptions together, and they’re not necessarily going to click.”

Addressing those incorrect assumptions first would likely be the best way to reduce loneliness, the analysis suggested. With tools such as cognitive-behavior therapy [CBT], interventions using exercises designed to break unhealthy thought patterns can help lonely people approach social situations with a more positive attitude. Such a strategy makes sense in light of Cacioppo’s theory of loneliness as a natural urge gone awry, akin to the relationship between hunger and an eating disorder.

“Effective interventions are not so much about providing others with whom people can interact, providing social support, or teaching social skills as it is about changing how people who feel lonely perceive, think about, and act toward other people,” ~ John Cacioppo

Article link: http://sciencelife.uchospitals.edu/2010/09/02/how-to-fight-loneliness/

Also helpful: EASE (acronym for a strategy) Though all the material is beneficial, I put up the bit about Selection as it astutely states the "trick" about finding a solution to loneliness is to be able to interpret and sense which prospective relationships are promising and which are not. A very pertinent point and one that is dependent on the clarity and improvement of our perceptions.

"E is for Extend Yourself.
A is for Action Plan
S is for Selection. The solution to loneliness is not quantity but quality of relationships. Human connections have to be meaningful and satisfying for each of the people involved, and not according to some external measure. Moreover, relationships are necessarily mutual and require fairly similar levels of intimacy and intensity on both sides. Even casual chitchat needs to proceed at a pace that is comfortable for everyone. Coming on too strong, oblivious to the other person's response, is the quickest way to push someone away. So part of selection is sensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would be climbing the wrong tree. Loneliness makes us very attentive to social signals. The trick is to be sufficiently calm and "in the moment" to interpret those signals accurately.
E is for Expect the Best."


Article link: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/connections/200812/easing-your-way-out-loneliness[/DLMURL]

Jaret, I attempt to ease loneliness by employing goal setting as a way to challenge myself to withstand momentary or temporary discomfort or stress or anxiety for desirable things I'd like to do. I did a lot of social challenges last year. As a result I have an improved sense of confidence and calm. I am more inclined to be at ease, and less inclined to place unnecessary constraints or demands on my friendships.

 

[Tanishq]

HI intothelight.

I appreciate your opinion. Thank you so much for the help. You have posted so many good points and they all are pointing me to right direction.

For example, I had a horrible sense of self-worth and believed that people would not want to spend time with me because I was "a horrible person".

Yes, I have this issue but in a different way. When I start talking with people I begin to think that I have horrible past. I am suffering with bad parents. I am suffering mentally and physically. This makes me fall into perfection trap.

I can't talk with normal people, only with those who have high maturity and understand what I have been gone through.

Second is. When I was kid, I was very flexible and adaptive due to hyperactive nature. Some minded me and some didn't. Those who didn't, I had quality and alive friendship with them. I succeeded to have and continue friendship with them.

Now situation is different. I am an adult and going through crucial moments of my life. I believe I have this all skills, still they all are there and it will never be gone. I feel like I am gifted, but I have forgotten how to operate them and use for better manifestation.

No it was not comfortable and sometimes it felt like shear torture to push myself to do it

I feel hard to do execute as I see in my mind. Sort of pushing.

 

[Tanishq]

HI alby,

Thank you so much. I appreciate your help so much.

I want your permission, can I copy this all things(quoted in this very post) to my diary? so I can make a plan for it and beat the problem.

“Several studies have shown that lonely people have incorrect assumptions about themselves and about how other people perceive them. If you bring them all together, it’s like bringing people with abnormal perceptions together, and they’re not necessarily going to click.”

Well explained. I agree with it. intothelight did point me to this. I can see what she means and what she is trying to tell me.

“Effective interventions are not so much about providing others with whom people can interact, providing social support, or teaching social skills as it is about changing how people who feel lonely perceive, think about, and act toward other people,” ~ John Cacioppo

Told in an art way. Love it.

"E is for Extend Yourself. A is for Action Plan S is for Selection. The solution to loneliness is not quantity but quality of relationships. Human connections have to be meaningful and satisfying for each of the people involved, and not according to some external measure. Moreover, relationships are necessarily mutual and require fairly similar levels of intimacy and intensity on both sides. Even casual chitchat needs to proceed at a pace that is comfortable for everyone. Coming on too strong, oblivious to the other person's response, is the quickest way to push someone away. So part of selection is sensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would be climbing the wrong tree. Loneliness makes us very attentive to social signals. The trick is to be sufficiently calm and "in the moment" to interpret those signals accurately. E is for Expect the Best."

Wow, I am absolutely interested put effort in this way. So much health, I see!

Cacioppo’s theory of loneliness as a natural urge gone awry

Sorry, I don't understand what this means. :confused:

Jaret, I attempt to ease loneliness by employing goal setting as a way to challenge myself to withstand momentary or temporary discomfort or stress or anxiety for desirable things I'd like to do. I did a lot of social challenges last year. As a result I have an improved sense of confidence and calm. I am more inclined to be at ease, and less inclined to place unnecessary constraints or demands on my friendships.

Yes, I read your posts. I always feel a glimpse that you're expectation less. Most of the time. Sometimes it sounds like you have learned what to expect and what not to. Now I can see they are backed by the maturity you gained from last year and you're calm. You're an inspiration to me my friend.

I will have to take a more closer look at this post because right now I am listening to it.

 

[The Albatross]

Tried a few times to write a reply to your post. But was unsuccessful. I think though that I would reexamine, "I can't talk with normal people, only those who have high maturity and understand what I have gone through."

That to me is perceptual and depends on your ability to accurately assess signals and situations to select more promising relationships. I also think that it's burdensome and very limiting to place the desire for someone to "understand what I have gone through."

When I read that I get a bit concerned. Because I, myself, if I sense someone is in relationship with me because they are too needy... I back off.