Lost And Unsure

[Pinkcake]

I've posted several times about my dad's death and that being the cause of my PTSD.

I'm starting to feel like I'm way more messed up than that. Dammit. I'm confused more than anything.

I'm lost and confused and irritated. I haven't been on for several days, and I'm beyond agitated all the damn time now.

I'm so sick of this shit! I don't WANT to feel this way and I can't figure out how the hell to stop it.

I'm so tired of rotating from angry to sad to apathetic.

I can't see my therapist until my insurance year "resets" in May and I feel like I'm going to go crazy before that. I'm now on the max dose of Celexa that I can be on and the doc just wants to "give it more time".

I really just don't even know what to write here now. I feel like I try to wait until I'm in a "good place" to post on here because I don't want to complain and if I do, I'm not being a good little girl and I don't know. I needed to get it out and I'm just done tonight.

Thanks for reading.

 

[timid_flower]

Hi pinkcake,

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time lately. Don't worry about being in a good place to post. I think it's helpful to let your feelings out on days when you feel like this. It's much better than to bottle things up.

Dealing with PTSD can be frustrating, irritating and overwhelming at times. You're not alone here. I'll tell you what my therapist would tell me, "If that's how you feel, say it. It's ok to complain".

Best wishes :)

 

[ms spock]

If I waited until I was in a good place to post pinkcake - well I wouldn't post much.

Go for it. Post at will. Other people relate and it helps them as well.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I don't want to complain and if I do, I'm not being a good little girl

Hi Pinkcake, One of the best things about this forum is that you don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of you. You dont have to be a "good little girl" unless you want to be!

Have you tried going to the anonymous threads and just letting it rip? Say what ever you want to get the words out - no need to keep anyone else happy there at all!

Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[saffy]

Hi pinkcake

You must really miss him :hug:

Were you very close?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Pinkcake]

Thanks all. I'm just aggravated with dealing with it.The good little girl thing is internal. I feel like I'm judged all the time, even by internet strangers. It's a character flaw. I'm having a hard time at work right now and I think that exacerbates everything. I just wish I'd win the lottery then half my stress would be off of me.

I went to Zumba tonight and worked out for an hour and tonight I hope to sleep.

Saffy- I was very close to him for the past 15 years. He was an alcoholic for the beginning of my life but got sober when I was 13. We started to rebuild our relationship the following year when I was sure he was going to stay sober. I saw or spoke to him every day.

 

[saffy]

Hi Pinkcake

The good little girl thing is internal. I feel like I'm judged all the time, even by internet strangers

Are you scared you might diss his memory if you are seen as anything other than this?

You lost a lot of time with him then when growing up, You must feel that you did not have enough time to do everything you wanted to with him eh :hug: Life is so unfair sometimes I think :)

I hope you can find peace with this.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Pinkcake]

Hmmm......I'm not sure how to honestly answer that question. I'm not 100% sure I dealt (or am dealing) with growing up with an alcoholic parent. I'm so very confused about everything.

My feelings are jumbled and when I start to try to think about everything, I just end up overwhelmed and irritated.

I have low self-esteem. I have had it for a very, very long time. Even at my thinnest, prettiest time, I felt like I wasn't thin enough or pretty enough.

Something that is hard is that in getting therapy and starting to deal with the PTSD, the therapist opened up a whole nother can of worms for me. She was making me deal with other feelings in addition to learning how to cope with PTSD because she felt if I didn't deal with being the adult child of an alcoholic that I wouldn't ever heal from my dad's death.

I cannot wait for my insurance to roll over in May. She said she would only charge me $80 (as opposed to $160 per session) to see her now, but being a single mom, I just can't afford it. I could barely afford the $35 copay.

I hope talking it out here helps....right now though.....I just feel raw and bad.

 

[saffy]

My feelings are jumbled and when I start to try to think about everything, I just end up overwhelmed and irritated

I know how that feels, I found writing it down helped to un-jumble things for me, I could read back and put it in better order, add things and take things away. It might help for you?

I have very low self esteem too. And find it very hard to beleive in myself, especially without anyone that values me, or shows it anyway. I read a really good post by raven on another thread which might help you, look at emotional needs thread in discussion.

Do you feel robbed in both cases then? not having him due to drink then loosing him before time.

I felt similar in my situation. My real dad left when I was about two and this bully took his place. I thought the sun shone out of my dads arse, but my mother and him used to slag him off constantly telling me how he left me and didn't want me, that sort of thing. I remember when I did see him I felt valued by him, I never at home and when I returned was apparently a nightmare, which is why she stop contact. I know that it was her manipulation and selfishness that was the cause.

When I turned 16 he finally got in touch, saying I could now make my own mind up to see him or not. But the bond had broken and as much as I wanted him to be my dad, he behaved like a distant uncle, phoning me up only to say he was off on some fantastic holiday or such. He never made time for me or my children and in the end I had to cut him out as his behaviour now was upsetting rather than jubilant, having found him again. We just did not have a relationship any more. He was distant.

My point being that I lost a lot of time missing the one person who valued me only to find out that even he did not in the end.

For you, you lost time due to drink, the person who should have valued you, only to find him and get that value just to have it taken away again. I hope that makes sense and hope you don't mind me commenting on this. This is just how I feel when thinking about this.

I suppose I feel that the need to feel valued was never fulfilled.

I can see you miss him dearly and really hope you can find some peace.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

she felt if I didn't deal with being the adult child of an alcoholic that I wouldn't ever heal from my dad's death.

I think sometimes you have to look at a bigger picture when it come to healing, I found that a lot of stuff I did not think related suddenly made sense and gave reason for the situation and helped me understand it better. The real deep nitty gritty of the problem that causes such conflict after the death of someone close.

I would blame myself, what if I did this, or said that. What if I was like this or that. But I cannot do anything about that now, I can learn by this though and through it come to terms with things.

I hope talking it out here helps....right now though.....I just feel raw and bad.

I am sorry to hear this. I tell myself I have to go down to come up, so sometimes facing things that are deeply hurting helps me deal with things better later on. It is normally the fear of what will come up that stops me, rather than what actually comes up. When it does come up I can then decide how do deal with it properly.

Roll on May. I hope you can get all the help you need from here.

best wishes
Saffy :)