Emotional Needs

[raven123]

I'm always trying to be more human (feeling vs. thinking) and I came across this:

Four Basic Emotional Needs

The need to love and be loved.
(After my parents rejected me for my brother, I've always looked for love. Didn't find and I have a hard time accepting hugs or kindness. When I was grown, I thought I'd find a spouse to love and love me, but 26 years later, I'm all alone.)

The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
(I've never felt I belonged anywhere and I don't have a purpose in life.)

The need to have a positive self image.
(I don't know.)

The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control
(I wasn't allowed that as a kid and was just controlled and not allowed to have feelings.)


Detailed List:

· Accepted, acknowledged, admired, appreciated, approved of, (no, rarely, no, no, no)
· Believed in, (not as a kid, not much as an adult unless I could do something for someone)
· Capable, challenged, competent, confident forgiven, (?)
· Forgiving, free, fulfilled,
· Heard, helped, helpful, (except online not really heard or helped much at all)
· Important, in control, included, (f*ck no, I've never felt important or included)
· listened to, loved, (only online, not sure on love--I don't think so)
· Needed, noticed, (no, only when people wanted something from me)
· Powerful, private, productive / useful,
· Reassured, recognized, respected, (no, lol, no)
· Safe / secure, supported, (I've never felt safe, nope)
· Treated fairly, trusted, (I've been screwed since birth, lol)
· Understanding, understood, (I try to understand people, nope)
· Valued, (very few people if any value me)
· Worthy (I don't think so)

I know as a kid my emotional needs where met and I wasn't supposed to have any. I think my parents thought I was damaged goods after my brother was born and he was definitely the favorite of my mother.

I gotta quit, this makes me too depressed to do.

 

[phraglern]

Have you looked at Maslow??

 

[Sailorgal]

Awwww Raven,

Our lists are very similar. It's even worse then you are always the one giving and not receiving as I have been. What I have been given (gratitude, love) is because I have always reached out to people. I have always been compassionate and understanding even when I have always been given the wrong end of the deal. I always stood up for the rights of others, always (notice how many times I say always? Because it's true) the one believing in others, being there for them....I don't know why I have been doing so because I don't do it to fulfill a need to be needed.

I'm fighting myself to believe that one day someone will actually care and love me. I thought I did...but I didn't. I just let myself believe it. But the truth is, actions are what speak.

Priority is to love myself no matter what, broken, fragile, shattered and all. I have nothing and can offer nothing. You know what? That's ok. It's NICE to be heard....it would be great. But even if I'm not, I will continue to speak my mind and defend myself. Sorry I won't say things get better. I really wish they would for you. All I know in my life is losing, losing, losing...how much more can I lose???? I'm already destitute in every way. I often wonder - who would ever miss me? Who would even care that I'm gone?

When I stop wanting it from others, I am better. Living for myself - that is what it's about and that's when I'm happiest. No matter what, everyone else will leave you, but you can never leave yourself. ;)

Now I will go back to my half sunken ship. But she's still afloatin!

 

[saffy]

I thought the same as you phraglern :)

Dead Link Removed

I gotta quit, this makes me too depressed to do.

I am sorry to hear that raven123. :hug:

We all have a basic hierarchy of needs as Maslow has explained and it does explain a lot.

I was not shown affection or had any support or protection when growing up, most of it has been blanked out.

I understand my needs now and know now that I have the right to look after my needs, I am important enough to do this for myself, not the conditioned person I was, who thought I had no rights and had no idea what to look for or what to expect when it came down to my needs.

I understand that I need to be treated in a certain way to make me feel good, If I start getting bad feelings I know this is a Q to do something about it. I have to learn how to do this effectively though, as I can still be either aggressive or passive.

By knowing that I can also get rid of people in my life that are not conducive of happiness and positive energy. I listen to my emotions now to make the decision to walk away or stay, not fight trying to make them love or respect me, they ever do or do not as I am. I am setting myself better standards and new boundaries.

Maybe this could be something to work with for you?

I hope you are feeling better today :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[raven123]

I looked at Maslow. Physiological needs about the only thing met as a kid, but that always had a price. I was constantly reminded how much everything cost and how much I cost. So, were the really met? Not freely like I was a f*cking human being. My sperm donor hated me and both him and my mother favored my brother. I don't know much about my childhood just the child abuse in general terms and a few instances and the rape. A lot of fear there so I don't want or need to know much else.

I never looked for much happiness from others, but I would like to be included among humans. If God can't provide happiness, no human will. And, I wonder what his motives are. A really nice person on here offered to pay for 4 sessions with a shrink. That was so awesome and I got my hopes up even though I never try to do that because I'm usually bitterly disappointed. Well, I shouldn't have cause I couldn't find a shrink with sex abuse credentials. The only one was wanted a 2-year commitment (ability to pay that or with insurance). That's like giving a kid candy and saying, hey, if you can get off the glued on wrapper, you can have it. roflmao!

Sailorgirl, Thanks. I always thought someone would come along that needed me, not fix me. They didn't. Look for that. Not saying look for someone to fix and certainly avoid drunks & drug addicts.

Saffy, thanks.

I'm taking a break from this crap today. Honestly, I'm sick of it. Can't see to find anyone local to talk to anyway.

 

[safenow]

wow. As I read that maslow thingy, I see that growing up I had none. Zero. ziltch. Damn. no wonder I'm so screwed up

 

[saffy]

Makes you think doesn't it. safenow.

Makes you realise that even our basic needs were not met.

We can change that though and work to meet them now. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Sailorgal]

Raven,

No one needs anybody. We don't want co-dependency. That is unhealthy.

I never looked for much happiness from others, but I would like to be included among humans. If God can't provide happiness, no human will. And, I wonder what his motives are.

Again, we need to find it in ourselves. Hmmm, God providing happiness. I guess it depends on what YOU want to believe. Then again, you stated you didn't believe because when you cried out to God, God never answered (an all too familiar scenario). Humans CAN and WILL provide happiness. So can God. ANYTHING can provide happiness. BUT.....if you can't make yourself happy, what's the point? You are angry and hurt by everything that's happened to you - understandably so. No one is saying just forget and be happy. But why are you depending on outside factors rather than in yourself? Happy doesn't mean you have to like your pain and suffering. Happy doesn't mean it's ok to have people hurt you and live torturously with PTSD.

Basically, it all starts with you. :)

 

[raven123]

Sailor, we're human. Yeah, we need others. If we didn't, heck, I wouldn't lonely and looking for "healing" or anything remotely close to it. I think I'm grieving over all I've lost. 40 years, and all the stuff in it, is a tough nod to grieve over losing. The child thing you never get over I've read. They discount men thinking that, but it affects us just as much as woman (and maybe even more), too. That grieving and understanding emotions is really what I wanted to talk with a shrink about. Religious people give me a bunch of shit that ain't true instead of talking so I don't bother wasting my time with them.

I'm just gonna do what I think is best for me (explore myself and let no one tell me it's wrong or not right--in fact, they might get a "f*ck you, mind your own g-d business") and the hell with the rest of it. I ain't going back through all that rape and child abuse shit. It just pisses me off so I'm leaving it where it is. I don't see the point. Maybe that's what's wrong with lots of people searching for "healing"? Constantly reliving the past ain't good for you. I know it is there, forgive, move on, keep my mouth shut about the past (only a partner someday needs to know), fix what's broken, and accept that some things that's broken can't be fixed (some because I don't know how). And, unless others listen to me, don't waste my time listening to their drama. Basically, don't offer yourself to be used by users. Give a little, take a little. If someone doesn't give me the time of day, say nothing and just walk away. They ain't worth the trouble. If they are, they'll notice you left.

I'm working on inner bonding. The inner child can't be done because they left a long time ago. I'm gonna find my inner self and focus on my alter, Allie. She's been there when no one else, including God, was there. I don't know what to think of God much. But, we're starting over. See what happens from there.

Try what I'm doing and f*ck the rest. Maybe all that shrinkage is what is keeping you in the shit you're in? Could be. Peace.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi Raven,

I'm confused...what shrinkage are you talking about? My point is that in the end, it's us that decides what we want to feel. There is "need" and then there is "NEED." We are human but you don't "need" another to be emotionally healthy. There is a difference in not having because it just wasn't there like kids in single parent homes versus those who didn't have due to negligence and abuse. Some kids grow up without fathers - never met theirs. Yes there is a longing they have to fulfill that void. But it doesn't necessarily stop them from becoming loving fathers themselves. So in the end, you can depend on someone to make you happy or make the effort to do it yourself.

My issues began when I actually believed someone and thought I needed them. I was happy, and self-reliant before that. I learned the hard way to stop thinking people cared and always giving. I stopped all that long before PTSD incident. I was trying to share that it happens to people without PTSD as well. I'm not comparing sad stories-disappointments are disappointments no matter what. Some people get a lot of breaks in life, some get none. What do you do? Pick yourself and keep going because no one else can do it for you.

Learn to love yourself first despite what you didn't get. T or no T, money or no money, friends or no friends, you are what matters most first. Then the rest can follow. :)

 

[Pencil]

Sailor, we're human. Yeah, we need others.

I understand your anger, Raven.

Saying that we need to provide our own emotional needs is a bit like telling to someone who needs money desperately for something important, such as life-saving surgery, but who has zero money, to lend him/herself some. Or, to tell a diabetic to provide him/herself with insulin. It makes ZERO sense.

 

[Tanishq]

I am also unloved from childhood. I understand what you are saying here.

When someone goes unloved for long time or from childhood, it becomes very difficult to mend it. Especially when you have kept giving all the time, but hardly received it.