DID Ptsd & did- talking to a therapist

[safenow]

makes me think it's okay to sometimes admit what you're suffering through.

The sooner you learn how to talk, the better off you will be. Not talking is part of our mutual problem. We were taught to feel shame, but the shame is not ours. It is the shame of those who abused us as small children.

 

[quaintpapercut]

It will settle down with time and good therapy.

This is reassuring to hear. I've spoken to my therapist about having dissociative identity disorder and he doesn't feel this is a diagnosis that applies to me. But I do dissociate fairly heavily and am just now starting to recognize it. I know the next step is to speak more openly to my therapist about what I'm noticing but I'm not ready to do that yet. But its a relief to know that it will settle down eventually. I think it makes sense that my awareness of it is whats making it so problematic. I have awareness but little understanding or acceptance of it yet.

I've only just been able to admit I have been living my life in varying states of dissociation and still not ready to tell my T just how bad.

It's very hard isn't it ? The thought of having a "real" conversation about it with my therapist is terrifying. Right now I just dance around it - I know he knows though as he's the one who has provided me with the knowledge to make me aware to this is happening. He's a very patient man.

 

[quaintpapercut]

but I did mention that I wanted to talk about it next time & got it on the agenda.

I think that's a good first step :tup:. I sometimes do the same thing - when I have a sudden burst of courage to discuss an issue I'll email my therapist asking him to please bring it up the next time because I need to speak about it, but know I won't . Its like my own form of quality assurance :alien:.

 

[angel2write]

Once you know and can start talking openly and honestly, so much will probably fall into place (make sense) and give you more peace of mind. You can start trusting yourself sooner also.

That would be good, because right now I feel like I'm arm wrestling with self-destruction a lot. I feel like I'm out of control. I try to save a piece of material for a project, and somebody throws it out. I'm growing my hair out, but somebody goes and gets it cut into a near crew cut. For two days, I decide I'm a vegetarian... then the third day I'm bringing home burgers & milkshakes & crayons & M&M's. I keep trying to FORCE everything to hold still, but I feel like I'm in the center of a whirl wind. I can't seem to hold on to anything. I keep hearing a baby crying when there's no baby. I thought it was an auditory flashback, but I'm starting to wonder. Parts of my mind that I thought were emotional states or flashbacks have started picking out NAMES and sharing information about what they look like... and it's weird as hell, and I just want someone to stop the ride so I can get off.

I don't have anybody I can talk to. I don't feel like anybody will believe me. Even on here, I'm scared to death that someone is going to drop in on this thread and explain to me how all of this is just my imagination or that I'm making it up or tell me it's not appropriate to talk about on this site. My teens keep making me write down things that I've said they can do, because apparently I'm telling them they can do things... only a couple days later I have no memory of even having the conversation.

And every time I try to talk to a therapist about this, they check me for schizophrenia, tell me I don't have it, and accuse me of making stuff up "as a cry for help." I may be crying for help, but I'm not making this stuff up.

I'm so tired of trying to prove to mental health professionals that I have problems. Why can't they see? Why can't they hear what I'm saying and try to trust me for a little bit?

Ah... ignore me. I'm just feeling frustrated and venting today. I'll keep working on this I guess. On my own if necessary. It's how I've done just about everything else in my life. On my own, or with my husband.

 

[kimba]

One way around having them automatically say it is schizophrenia is to stress (if it is true for you) that the voices are coming from inside your head as people talking. It is not the FBI or aliens trying to talk to you from outside the body. That is the main difference between the auditory part of dissociative issues and the other.

If you have DID you do not want to deal with it on your own. I tried and I would be dead if I had kept trying to deal with it on my own.

You may also want to start a notebook with a page for each "voice", "feeling", or "like/dislike" you notice and see if anything goes together over time. If you are DID, the parts have different personalities and there may be different food, clothing or music preferences as well. Also, until you are in therapy for it, ask your voices to back off if they are causing too much stress or confusion. The good thing is you make the rules and they have to listen to you.

 

[safenow]

Okay. First off. You are not crazy. You are having a normal day for a person with multiple personalities. Or DID as they now call it. I recommend you start a journal and allow all of you to write in it. Set up the "family", with spot where each part of you can keep their treasures. You must make rules for your "family". You are not schizophrenic either.

I'm so tired of trying to prove to mental health professionals that I have problems.

You are talking to the wrong people. Not everyone believes in this type of issue. But it is very very real. Many of us have had it for a long time. The wrong therapists can make you feel like you are nuts. But you are not. You had a lot of major trauma when you were just a wee child, and your mind couldn't handle it, so you became a different person in order to handle it. By doing this, you survived. There are specialists in DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. That is who you need to be talking to.They can teach you how to handle what is going on, and help you to process the old trauma so you can heal and not split so frequently.

If you ever want to talk, I'm available. I've had Multiple personalities for over 60 years. Since I've lived with it that long, I can tell you things that most doctor's don't even understand. I know many people with this disorder. And we all share some things in common. Once you know what it is and how to get your "internal family" in order, you can live a very happy life. It also helps your husband and children to know what's going on as well. And they can even help once they understand it.

You are not alone.
safenow

 

[safenow]

ask your voices to back off if they are causing too much stress or confusion. The good thing is you make the rules and they have to listen to you.

I am so glad you shared this with her. Thank you for being brave enough to speak up. Not many doctor's even know that.

 

[angel2write]

I have tried enforcing certain rules with variable compliance. I guess there are some issues I can "force" and other issues that they sort of ignore. I have found that if my husband makes a "rule" (like NO THROWING THINGS OUT WITHOUT ASKING) they tend to work better.

Safenow & Kimba... thank you so much for your comments. I really will talk to my current therapist about how I could find a specialist. I'm really, really, really scared about doing this. But I am willing to do what it takes to get better, so if that's what it takes I guess I'll risk it.

I've also found a DID-focused forum that looks pretty good. And I've posted a couple questions there. Maybe I'll be able to learn more. And it will probably be received better by other people with the issues.

I will also try to take your advice & pick up the journaling. My husband had suggested giving cubbies where different ones could put notebooks or stuffed animals or art projects or whatever where they wouldn't be disturbed. Maybe that will help, too. It's just so strange...

 

[Phenioxrising]

Whats worked for me in controling my DID, is understanding it's a defense your mind has made.

It does this to protect your mind and your sanity. It blocks out the percieved threat from memory for a period of time, while blocking out emotions.

It's not something that is supposed to be carried into adulthood, and takes time to learn to overide it.

 

[safenow]

Angel2write, please, use caution on any DID focused forum. Many people believe this is a "fun" illness because they think you can blame things on an "alter". The reality is, each alter needs to be held accountable for what they do, just like you are held accountable for everything that they do. So if those in that group try to blame an alter for doing bad things, stay clear. They won't teach you how to meld the alters within yourself.

I hope you can understand what I'm trying to share with you.

 

[angel2write]

I think you could say the same about PTSD. You run into people on here periodically who think they can say, "Well... I couldn't help it, it was the PTSD."

And maybe it was the PTSD. And maybe you couldn't help it. BUT... you're still responsible for what you did. You still have to apologize, take responsibility, clean it up, fix it, pay for it, and start working on figuring out how you're going to prevent it from happening again.

I think any mental illness has aspects like that. My view is, if I want to be out in society instead of locked up somewhere, then I have to control my behavior. Lest others decide they need to control it for me.

I do believe in personal responsibility, and I find the out-of-control aspects of my situation the hardest to accept and deal with.

 

[kimba]

I understand what you mean angel 2write, about the out-of-control aspects being the hardest to deal with. There is alot of learning involved and if DID or any of the dissociative sidorders aren't discovered as a child or as a teen, they will carry into adulthood like any other illness that hasn't been appropriately diagnosed. Thankfully, as more is learned about them, they will be discovered sooner.

My DID was only discovered after I stopped care-taking for family members who were directly involved in the various abuse because they died off. When I only had myself to focus on for the first time in my life (my body is in the mid-40's), everyone felt safe enough finally to want to be discovered and started "coming out" on their own. It is scary at first, but once you start learning how these beings have helped you and are still helping you in different ways and for different reasons, you come to admire and even appreciate them. That makes the work much easier (so to speak).

Good luck and don't be hard on yourself- it all takes time and is a process.