Lost Again
Bronze Member
It's been a tough week.
My partner suffers with PTSD. He came into me and my daughter's life, enthusiastically taking on the role of daddy for her. Her father is absent. She was 4 then, she's 5 now. I was initially reluctant but they were so excited. I even slowed it all down because I came to understand that he had PTSD and our relationship was unstable. He loves to take her to school and always was offering to pick her up and help me. He used to get so upset that I wasn't letting her call him daddy and standing in the way of their relationship. Fast forward 10 months, he's been in therapy and us in couples counseling and we settled on the idea of step dad and their relationship has been great. I'm now 7 months pregnant with his child and starting to get this intense need for stability and to get things ready for the new baby. It's hard that he constantly runs away to his mom's house (at least once a week), refusing to talk to me, and when he does so he temporarily drops his responsibility at our house. He's constantly either away, exhausted, or consumed with anger towards someone. I can't set up the crib and change table by myself. He left his clothes all over the floor for a month because he's having problems settling in. I ended up taking 3 days off work while he was "away" to clean the house from top to bottom, wash the baby clothes, fold and put away everyone's clothes, and start to set up the nursery. I have to take breaks and lie down because exerting myself gives me cramps.
He says it's not "his" house because he doesn't pay bills etc. because he's unable to work because of his car accident. I don't care that I am paying the bills and we are living in my house. I care that we are a family.
And now he's starting to turn on my daughter. He got infuriated that I told my friend that i wish he would still come over and fulfull his responsibilities when he's having an episode and staying at his mom's. It's hard enough coping with his ins and outs, but I also carry the weight of the whole household while he's gone. He says I should have told him this instead of "slandering" him, but addressing anything with him leads to him packing his bags, leaving the house keys, and running away to his mom's. It's so hard to cope with all this and have no one to talk to. So when I did tell him how I felt, he tells me that my daughter is not HIS child, that what he does with her (even if its a domestic arrangement we have made, ie. taking turns taking her to school) is a "favor" and he's not obligated to fulfull our arrangement when he goes to his moms. I said it's not fair because I don't have any control over when he decides to pack up and go. He says he's tired of the expectations. That none of my past boyfriends had expectations placed on them in terms of her. That no one places any expectations on her own father. Now at least once a day he says "she's not MY kid" (in a gross and cranky way) and "when this baby comes it will be MY kid and I will raise MY kid the way I want, and be responsible for MY kid, and when i pack up and go to my mom's house I will take MY kid with me" etc etc etc.
I'm so angry because he pushed to take on this role in her life. I understand that he has PTSD and I put up with so much craziness because of it, but when it comes to messing with my 5 year old daughter's emotions and place in the family, I can't tolerate it. And even for OUR child, I don't accept that every time he has a problem, he's going to try to take our child with him, what kind of life is that.
He came into our lives like a tornado. Wanting to be everything and everyone for us. He pushed to have a child together and now I feel like he's tearing my family apart.
I can tolerate a lot but I feel that this MY kid and YOUR kid thing is a limit. He's violated my values and morals, and dignity. Am I right or do I need to look at this differently? Usually by day two of his being at his mom's I go over there and we reconcile and he comes home. This time, I wonder if I should just leave him there.
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks,
My partner suffers with PTSD. He came into me and my daughter's life, enthusiastically taking on the role of daddy for her. Her father is absent. She was 4 then, she's 5 now. I was initially reluctant but they were so excited. I even slowed it all down because I came to understand that he had PTSD and our relationship was unstable. He loves to take her to school and always was offering to pick her up and help me. He used to get so upset that I wasn't letting her call him daddy and standing in the way of their relationship. Fast forward 10 months, he's been in therapy and us in couples counseling and we settled on the idea of step dad and their relationship has been great. I'm now 7 months pregnant with his child and starting to get this intense need for stability and to get things ready for the new baby. It's hard that he constantly runs away to his mom's house (at least once a week), refusing to talk to me, and when he does so he temporarily drops his responsibility at our house. He's constantly either away, exhausted, or consumed with anger towards someone. I can't set up the crib and change table by myself. He left his clothes all over the floor for a month because he's having problems settling in. I ended up taking 3 days off work while he was "away" to clean the house from top to bottom, wash the baby clothes, fold and put away everyone's clothes, and start to set up the nursery. I have to take breaks and lie down because exerting myself gives me cramps.
He says it's not "his" house because he doesn't pay bills etc. because he's unable to work because of his car accident. I don't care that I am paying the bills and we are living in my house. I care that we are a family.
And now he's starting to turn on my daughter. He got infuriated that I told my friend that i wish he would still come over and fulfull his responsibilities when he's having an episode and staying at his mom's. It's hard enough coping with his ins and outs, but I also carry the weight of the whole household while he's gone. He says I should have told him this instead of "slandering" him, but addressing anything with him leads to him packing his bags, leaving the house keys, and running away to his mom's. It's so hard to cope with all this and have no one to talk to. So when I did tell him how I felt, he tells me that my daughter is not HIS child, that what he does with her (even if its a domestic arrangement we have made, ie. taking turns taking her to school) is a "favor" and he's not obligated to fulfull our arrangement when he goes to his moms. I said it's not fair because I don't have any control over when he decides to pack up and go. He says he's tired of the expectations. That none of my past boyfriends had expectations placed on them in terms of her. That no one places any expectations on her own father. Now at least once a day he says "she's not MY kid" (in a gross and cranky way) and "when this baby comes it will be MY kid and I will raise MY kid the way I want, and be responsible for MY kid, and when i pack up and go to my mom's house I will take MY kid with me" etc etc etc.
I'm so angry because he pushed to take on this role in her life. I understand that he has PTSD and I put up with so much craziness because of it, but when it comes to messing with my 5 year old daughter's emotions and place in the family, I can't tolerate it. And even for OUR child, I don't accept that every time he has a problem, he's going to try to take our child with him, what kind of life is that.
He came into our lives like a tornado. Wanting to be everything and everyone for us. He pushed to have a child together and now I feel like he's tearing my family apart.
I can tolerate a lot but I feel that this MY kid and YOUR kid thing is a limit. He's violated my values and morals, and dignity. Am I right or do I need to look at this differently? Usually by day two of his being at his mom's I go over there and we reconcile and he comes home. This time, I wonder if I should just leave him there.
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks,
