Sometimes Therapy Is Too Hard

[piratelady]

I knew therapy today was going to be difficult. Nothing bothers me more than knowing what I have to do and failing to do it. Last time I was in therapy he helped me figure out what I needed to do. I didn't do it. I went into therapy and really didn't want to talk about my failings. Well, we talked about it.

I was finally feeling ok with all that has happened over the last two weeks. Now it just basically re-opened those wounds and now I feel, kind of worse. He reiterated what I need to do and how my actions over the past few weeks are similar to how I got into an abusive marriage.

Basically, he poked and pushed and now I feel like crap again. I feel like I am failing. I don't feel like if I am confronted with someone who is bad for me again, that I will be able to handle it any differently. I know therapy can't always be happy-go-lucky and is supposed to be hard, but sometimes I am just not able to handle it. It makes me not want to go anymore.

I have two more weeks now to figure things out and be able to go into therapy not feeling like a failure.

 

[safenow]

If you allow them, I'm sending you a safe, gentle hug. I hear you. By the way, you are not a failure, you just had a set-back. There is a big difference.

 

[Abstract]

Piratelady,
If this involves setting down boundaries and standing up for yourself within a relationship them I really hope that you can be kind and patient with yourself and I also hope your therapist can be kind and supportive whilst encouraging you to take the next steps.

When we link assertiveness or boundary setting with fear and danger and that is very deeply internalised it takes an awful lot of hard work to change and it is very painful changing it. it's also not as easy as just deciding to do it and hey presto! It's about taking a step forward - freaking out - being reassured - not being able to do it - managing to do it - freaking out - feeling guilty and worthless and self hatred - being reassured ...and so on and on and on. And eventually we manage to do it more and more and feel confident.

My husband was a little physical with me not that long ago and for the very first time ever in my life when threatened I was able to firmly and loudly say stop briefly before I went into shock and numbed out and felt drawn to accepting it. These things do change with hard work.

I think there is a fine line for a therapist between pushing and supporting us and shaming and frightening us. If you feel it has tipped over into the the latter I hope you can speak to him.

Maybe I have totally the wrong end of the stick and have misunderstood. Essentially I am guessing here. But regardless I totally believe that we can change our patterns in relationships. I am so different in these respects that it astounds me but it took time and I still have to watch myself.

Please ignore if I have got it totally wrong.

 

[piratelady]

My therapist didn't cross the line to shaming or frightening. The shaming is my own doing. It is more my admitting I was unable to do what was necessary. I just think it would have been better not to talk about the situation at all.

He is right that I have to learn to be assertive. I just can't get there. I mean, for crying out loud, I still have a bruise from when the guy grabbed me and yet I was still unable to tell him what he did was wrong. I just froze. I finally came to terms with it, until we talked about it in therapy and now I feel worse off than I did when I was going through it.

When we link assertiveness or boundary setting with fear and danger and that is very deeply internalised it takes an awful lot of hard work to change and it is very painful changing it.

This actually helps a lot. I think maybe my feeling like a failure come from my thinking I can just flip a switch and voila! I just want to be better now. I want to know what I have to do and be able to do it. I think it also scares me that if I find someone else I want to date, what if I need to end it or be assertive and am still unable. It is terrifying.

Basically, therapy just dredged it all back up again. Maybe I hadn't really come to terms with all of this and that is why talking about it has made me feel so horrible.

I apologize if I am rambling. I am not thinking really well.

 

[Abstract]

I am glad your therapist is supporting and encouraging you appropriately for your needs. It's usually us that is harsh and shaming and judging with ourselves isn't it! :rolleyes:

I just can't get there.

You definately can get there and are just are not there yet. And that is OK.

I still have a bruise from when the guy grabbed me

I am very sorry to hear that piratelady. It is very frightening when something reminds us of previous situations and yet we feel unable to respond differently. You will do it though with time. But I have felt very angry at myself and hopeless and fearful before. I also go into thinking that really there was no need for me to do anything as it was nothing.

I don't know if this is the case for you but I realised that all the shame and self judgement I had raised my fear and stress levels more and that made it more difficult to do what I needed to do. Some acceptance of how difficult it is to change a life long way of responding was helpful for me.

It sounds like having to tell your T that what happened or didn't opened up those judgements and shame even more. I wonder if that is because you feel exposed about what happened or if part of it is that you care what your T thinks and are worried about disappointing him. Sometimes I find that can happen with authority figures. Or maybe it is something else entirely for you.

If it is because the reality descended and is descending on you then even though that can be very painful I think we can use it to help us too. As long as it does not turn into self destruction.

 

[Sailorgal]

Piratelady,

It is one thing to have therapy to heal from past hurts, and another to change habits. Doing both at the same time takes a great deal of effort. Be appreciative your T recognizes unhealthy actions and want you to make healthier choices.

Maybe start with even more baby steps - who knows. Part of the challenge is building up your self confidence and self esteem. Not hurting doesn't make you ready to be exposed.

You mentioned still having a bruise - have you discussed specifics with him? Everything stems from being hurt but other things can be overwhelming as well, especially for us woman. Never skinny enough, beautiful enough, happy enough, etc. maybe some simple goal settings may make things a little bit easier to digest. :)

 

[safenow]

Last time I was in therapy he helped me figure out what I needed to do. I didn't do it. I went into therapy and really didn't want to talk about my failings. Well, we talked about it.

Learning to be assertive is difficult to say the least. So many times I didn't do what a therapist asked me to do because I didn't know how. He or she didn't know I didn't know how, because I never told them. I didn't know how to tell them. I don't know if your issue is that same way or not, but I'm just saying don't give up on yourself. It takes time to learn new way to think and behave.

Take care, and know we are here for you.

 

[piratelady]

I also go into thinking that really there was no need for me to do anything as it was nothing.

I don't really follow this.

opened up those judgements and shame even more.

I think that is the case, and as you said earlier in your above post, I need to learn to accept how difficult this change is and that I'm not there yet.

You mentioned still having a bruise - have you discussed specifics with him?

No, I didn't tell him about the bruise. He asked what happened that upset me so much, and I said it wasn't something I could talk about. I haven't even been able to really talk about it here, and none of you even know me in real life. I am horribly ashamed I let it happen.

Never skinny enough, beautiful enough, happy enough, etc. maybe some simple goal settings may make things a little bit easier to digest.

Like to get skinnier? Sorry, couldn't resist. I do need to work on my self-esteem and confidence. My therapist and I both know that. I actually think if I can lose all this extra weight I gained I will feel more confident. I don't think I that will really help all that much though.

Safenow: Thank you. He did go over with me exactly what I needed to say. I simply didn't do it, I got scared. We put together another plan, should the situation arise again, hopefully I can do better the next time.

 

[safenow]

I am horribly ashamed I let it happen.

My dear new friend, what could you have done to stop it? People are going to do what they are going to do. You could have gotten hurt a lot worse if you had tried to stop him. Please, don't put his guilt on yourself. Let it stay where it belongs, on him! And many people can tell you what to say, but you know what, I'll bet they wouldn't say it themselves under the same circumstances. It's a nice plan, but don't beat yourself up for not saying someone else's words. When the time comes, you will use your own words and they will work for you.

I used to practice in front of my bathroom mirror what I was going to say. LOL. I always chickened out. Until that person did something to a child. Then I spoke up loud and clear. He backed off (which really shocked me) and in front of me, never did that again. Even his mother noticed the change in him.

Someday you are going to really surprise yourself, when you realize that you are precious a child inside that body of yours. You deserve to speak up for that child. Protect that child. I know there will come a day when you will be able to do that.

 

[Sailorgal]

Oh dear Piratelady,

I wasn't saying those are the insecurities you have - I was making generalized comments about women in general. I meant small goals as something simple as even smiling more. We tend to base our confidence on things we can't control like weight loss. I mean that you don't decide on how the body burns calories or your bone density. But we do control if we washed our hair. That's the difference I want to clarify regarding "having control over."

Self confidence is really important - believing that you DESERVE to be heard and respected.

We as victims always blame ourselves. Like Safenow said, it's not your fault. We can't live in fear and paranoia. I hope you can really get past that inner turmoil with your T to be able to move on to where YOU want to be. :)

And no matter what, you are beautiful as you are. :)

 

[piratelady]

I wasn't saying those are the insecurities you have

I know - they are insecurities I have and I am trying to work on them :)

believing that you DESERVE to be heard and respected.

That is one thing I know I struggle with. My therapist keeps telling me over and over that I need to feel like I deserve it and put myself first sometime.

He asked me: If this guy asked me out again and asked why I was not talking to him anymore - what would I say. I was honest and told him I would apologize. That was the wrong answer. The right answer was to tell him what I need and lay down boundaries. My therapist has even gone so far as to give me one-liner responses. The problem is once confronted my anxiety gets the better of me and I can't do it.

It is a matter of baby-steps. I just want to be better now. I want to be strong now. The fact that I can't is causing me more anguish than it should. Then going to therapy and talking about my inability to be able to accomplish what I want and need to is just salt in the wound. I guess it all goes back to that whole acceptance thing.

 

[Abstract]

I don't really follow this.

Oh sorry to be obscure. I go into thinking it was normal and that there was nothing wrong with what they did. I pretend nothing happened. Makes it tricky to change anything. :rolleyes:

I am horribly ashamed I let it happen

I so agree with everything Safenow said. I don't know your story but think I remember you were in an abusive relationship. repeatedly being put in danger makes us believe deep down that we will be putting ourselves in danger whenever we are assertive.

He backed off (which really shocked me)

And I have had this experience again and again when I was practising assertiveness. I ended up trying it out out of blind faith or obedience to my T rather than believing it would work. It astounded me when things started changing in my life.

I need to feel like I deserve it and put myself first sometime.

I hate to admit this but if I had done it for those reasons I don't think I would ever have done it. It's like recovering from my eating disorder or improving my suicidal thoughts. If I had done things when I thought I could change or deserved it then I would never have managed to get anywhere. The way I did it is by trusting that someone thought this was the right process and that I would therefore take one small step and forget the rest and see what happened. Its amazing where one can get with one small step after the next small step and only looking at the ground in front of us.

The right answer was to tell him what I need and lay down boundaries

That would be wonderful if you could do that one day. I truly believe that you will do that. In fact I have no doubt. These are things we can change.

What helped me is to take any small step I could in the right direction. A bit like Sailorgal said. So if I could not say "no" then at least I would try not to say "yes". Or if I would normally always look unaffected then I would at least try to make it clear with expressions or body language that I was not fine. Or I would leave the room.

I hope you manage to speak about what is happening for you some time. I understand it is very frightening as it makes it very real and that can set off our internal judgements. But noone will judge you here and we understand how easy it is to get drawn back in. This is not the past and you are not who you were and can change things. And you do deserve to be safe and feel safe.

Imagine doing this without therapy! Truly I do not believe I could ever have done it.