Thinking Of Quitting Therapy...

[Maggiemay]

So, 2 sessions in with new Therapist, I'm seriously thinking about quitting. :(

I fought to have more therapy after work with old T made me worse & the specialist trauma service rejected me, but now thinking they may have been right when they said I was too unstable, complex & frustrated for trauma therapy.

I've been back at work now for 4 weeks full time (I'm a teacher). I'm LOVING my class and the progress they've made is AMAZING - it's clearly visible in their books as well as their attitude towards their learning. They clearly respect & value me, and vice versa.

But, relationships with staff is another matter. Lost 2 good friends because of the way they've treated me at work. No one seems to give a damn I've been off so long & need reassurance occasionally. No one's taken on board how unwell I was and still am. Because mental illness is a hidden illness, no one can see it so no one cares.

The last week after Mon's therapy session has been so hard, until I gave in last night & took diazepam to help me sleep, I'd had 6hrs sleep in 4 days = zzz... The reason why? Disclosing the smallest amount in therapy causing auditory & sensory flashbacks to return, & the return of seizures as I fall asleep. :'( HATE it.

I just can't see how I can continue therapy & manage all this. Im realising that I'm a hell of a lot more damaged than I ever realised = grrrrr... I've been told I'll never be well so why try and fix something that can't be fixed? :s

 

[Pencil]

Maggiemay I can relate to virtually everything you say, but have no clue whether I did the right thing or not. One therapist would also not work with me, saying therapy would destabilize me, especially as I had no support structure. The fourth therapist - who agreed to take me on - must surely have regretted it. I'm on an extended 'between sessions' at the moment, as I find it too difficult to continue, as well as too difficult to quit and go cold turkey. So, I'll wait for informed and intelligent responses to your post :confused:

 

[MomOfTwo]

I think therapy maybe more helpful if they worked on the here and now. If talking about your past makes you too unstable then your therapist should be working on establishing safety or coping skills for you before you go further. I just seen a new doctor and she said that dealing with or talking about the trauma comes later. Makes sense because I find when talking about it I have difficulty coping and am too easily triggered. Sorry about your peers not trating you better. You would think the school system would be more educated on ptsd. There are probably some kids in the school experiencing it or depression.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks guys ;)

Am sorry you relate Pencil :( I'm on 4th T too in a year. It's not even that I don't trust her as worked with her in group therapy 8 years ago. It's just way too raw.

MOnOffTwo - coping skills would be good but with therapy only til 18th March I haven't got long. She's not pushing me but I'm aware the clock's ticking :( School know it's ptsd - written in my occupational health letter, but nobody!'s taken it on board. I'm just expected to be well :'( Grrr!

 

[safenow]

I've been told I'll never be well so why try and fix something that can't be fixed?

First off, welcome to the forum. Second, who ever told you that had no idea of what they were talking about. That comment was full of crap. Don't you believe that for one little second. While there is no cure, there are ways that can help you learn how to cope and live a very productive life.

Thirdly, your therapist is not a match for you. You need one who can teach you methods of grounding yourself before they ever even try one issue of why you have ptsd. NO good therapist would ever start process work before teaching you how to stay in the here and now while you are doing it. NO good therapist would ever start process work where you touch a trauma before teaching you how to stay safe while you think about it. They would teach you how to only look at the outside of the trauma not the details, what I call the "middle" of the trauma. They would take you to a safe conclusion at each session. Never, ever leave you to struggle on your own after you leave them.

Most of the world can't handle people with PTSD, they have no clue that every part of you has been effected. Your vision, your sense of smell, sense of hearing, sense of touch, sense of taste. So you will always stay triggered until you learn what your particular triggers are and can ground them as they come up.

I hope you can find a good one, and be able to continue working. I'm glad you are a school teacher. You sound like a good one. What grade do you teach?

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks safe now.

You are so right. But, I supposedly have the grounding techniques. In reality, I have some strategies I use when things are manageable but am easily. I find it especially hard at night to stay grounded, it's definitely when I'm most vulnerable.

I have so many complications & disorders I'm feeling all rather hopeless at the mo :'( I cant see a way out of it all.

I year yr5/6 = 9~11 year olds :) I have a class of 14 in the morning till Easter - they're so cute! ;)

 

[Pencil]

It's just way too raw.

Oh hell, yes!

 

[Pencil]

Apologies for the two virtually identical posts above: after the first attempt to post, the site told me the server did not respond in time and that I had to try again. So, I edited and tried again. It's not because I love the sound of my own voice. Oh, well, I do, but that's not the reason for the stereo response. :cool:

 

[Maggiemay]

Lol! Thanks Pencil ;)

If only it were easy to make a wise decision! My old T (who I'm still very dependent on) thinks I'm running away. Apparently I'll be ok in the short term but will relapse again pretty quickly if I give up now.

But therapy makes me feel like I'm relapsing anyway, so what's the difference?

I can't go on being triggered on Monday because of therapy & not having a moment to gather myself until the weekend. Having a class to teach an hour and a half after therapy is hard, but is teaching me to be in bed the moment. Plus, rightly or wrongly, it's a good distraction! ;)

 

[safenow]

I supposedly have the grounding techniques.

You might suggest to your therapist to make you a tape you can keep next to your bed, and then just hit the play button so you can hear what your therapist has recorded for you to ground during the night. I have one that is the sound of loons in the mist. I can hear water falling, hitting rocks. The sound of gravel under tires. It makes me feel as though I am going to this one spot, where there was a waterfall, and the gravel under the tires is me driving there. It goes through a series of different sounds. No talking. Only sounds. When I do that, I can go right back to sleep and it really helps me ground. But rather than ground to the now, I ground to a safe place.

"I can't go on being triggered on Monday because of therapy & not having a moment to gather myself until the weekend."

I agree with you, your therapy should be taking place on Friday, not Monday. Have you tried telling your therapist that?

I hope that makes sense to you.

 

[Maggiemay]

I like the idea of making a recording :) I have chillout music on a lot in my classroom to keep kids (as well as me) calm. I used to fall asleep listening to chillout cd, but now back to having tv on all night to try & drown out auditory flashbacks which isn't good

I'm going to mention how difficult it is to have appointment 1st thing Mon AM, but it was a choice of that or nothing.. nothing sure is looking appealing ...

 

[MomOfTwo]

Thirdly, your therapist is not a match for you. You need one who can teach you methods of grounding yourself before they ever even try one issue of why you have ptsd. NO good therapist would ever start process work before teaching you how to stay in the here and now while you are doing it. NO good therapist would ever start process work where you touch a trauma before teaching you how to stay safe while you think about it.

Safenow - what you said is pretty much what my new therapist said this week. She said that dealing with specific traumas at this point was not important. She said what mattered is the here and now and being able to cope and function. I think most of us with PTSD could compartmentalize experiences to deal with trauma but at some point that ability breaks down. I know I did that but am not able to compartmentalize now. Now things even small things are overwhelming. She said once you are stable then she would deal with the trauma's.

MaggieMay- I think the suggestion given to you to have your appointments later in the week was a good idea. As well some therapists will do extended hours so you maybe able to get an evening appointment. My therapist does this and it is nice to have that flexibility. I sleep with the tv on as well. I have it on so if I wake from a nightmare I know it is just a nightmare if I hear the tv.