What Feels Like A Therapy Blow Out - Guilt, Consternation, Fatigue.

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello to the reader,

I don't know what to do. Is it cruel and uncompromising of me to mentally process the question of a therapist who would pose the standard "...do you really want to change?" much as I would the nonprofessional "SNAP OUT OF IT!" intervention strategy employed by various family members? I feel (in the moment) that I'm being asked to act out a Hollywood 'moment of decision' for some psych. drama, whereas I'm tempted to fake such if further trust could be extended and further insight might be afforded. I feel terrible for relating such, but I have short patience for what I'll term a 'Dr. Phil' moment.

Perhaps snippets of the conversation today might best be framed as fill in the blank exercises that if effective might illuminate directions I should consider in relation to reasoning, in relation to personal application?

"You are constantly let down by people, maintaining expectations that are never met"

...or maybe

"You push away love when it is afforded you"

I suppose the reader could reasonably identify patterns of despair and habits of projection here, but I really don't respond to my T's efforts to stress test my cognitions - especially when she presumes that I can be guided down the path of registering an all or nothing response. Added to this, I don't know - both for myself and others mind you - how to 'hold out' for the 'better tomorrow' based upon a collection of more or less better circumstances when such relative tranquility (such as it has been experienced) has been fragmented and fleeting. The stress testing of cognitions effort seems to be falling down in particular - especially as readings concerning many a trend just outpace what an educated and professional person (i.e. the therapist) might bring to the conversation absent outside application.

All my additional study and what fragmented insight is gleaned from it is overlaid onto many a traumatic memory - and yet disentangling it, pulling whatever might be 'new' clear of the 'old' to achieve some better approximation of cool detachment equating to better function isn't quite developing. I don't (yet) know how to do this, and yet I want improved function. Does this equate to 'welcoming change'? I suppose if I had an answer in hand I wouldn't be typing this. Shouting 'change!' personally seems nearly akin to faith healing, while focusing on what might otherwise be compelling if expanded out to a few paragraphs simply evaporates before me if such is reduced to a sentence, or in this instance - a word. Gosh - I feel the antithesis of a mindful orientation towards anything at all.

If someone - anyone relates that I should 'stop reading your dour nonfiction topics' and live in the moment (alone mind you), regardless of the kind intent behind such advice - I just feel invalidated. My perceptual apparatus is all trauma-fueled hypervigilance informed by materials that expand upon what might be termed a form of activist awareness across and bridging many an issue. Even if I 'stop', I don't stop, for the intake of materials has shaped/refined/but also in measure - distorted my perceptions for a long time indeed and referring to such is (by design and intent) second nature to me.

If I don't pursue academic studies of some kind or form, I find myself feeling markedly worse; i.e. adrift and ill at ease in a popular culture I don't closely identify with. In particular, not having the company of those who would read in detail about topics they care deeply about (this not guaranteeing any insights of quality for the effort put out mind you!) just seems to kill me. I can understand how all of this may read as so much conceit - but 'stopping' to shut down perceptions in the manner of flicking a switch isn't going to work; i.e. 'be like us!'. It seems likes a despairing Twilight Zone episode where everyone else is normal - but not I! Now a dimmer switch dial-down based upon mixing in better experiences and overwriting bad with the good? - ah, now you have me!

What could I be asking of the reader then? Perhaps for the reasoned snippets of constructive criticism afforded me in the space of the two quotes I'd quietly ask what is further implied for telling someone that they demand too much of others, institutions, etc., whereas if one pushes away love/attention/concern, what in turn does this translate to? I've read here many a clear-headed and well-grounded insight related appropriately and 'compressed for content' - something I struggle to do. Maybe I cannot connect the dots here for I cannot see or sense the next dot on the page? In this sense, I ask for help... Kind regards to the community...


M.

 

[safenow]

whereas if one pushes away love/attention/concern, what in turn does this translate to?

Total isolation is how I read it.

 

[Hashi]

If someone - anyone relates that I should 'stop reading your dour nonfiction topics' and live in the moment (alone mind you), regardless of the kind intent behind such advice - I just feel invalidated.

If I don't pursue academic studies of some kind or form, I find myself feeling markedly worse; i.e. adrift and ill at ease in a popular culture I don't closely identify with. In particular, not having the company of those who would read in detail about topics they care deeply about (this not guaranteeing any insights of quality for the effort put out mind you!) just seems to kill me.

I would feel invalidated too. I think it's important to recognise that we each operate in different ways and trying to work with that is better than trying to work against it. For example, maybe there's a way that you could connect more with other people through academic studies (for example a study/discussion group, a specialist book group, attending a course) rather than the idea of dropping academic studies.

Is all the non-fiction you read dour? If you like to study about trauma and psychology, does that include theories of change and how it can be brought about? I am also wondering if you like to study philosophy, and whether that can bring any insights into functioning better and what change means to different people. Some philosophy can be dour, I know, but there is much that focusses on how to make peace with the world around us and its trials and turbulence.

...some better approximation of cool detachment equating to better function isn't quite developing. I don't (yet) know how to do this, and yet I want improved function.

I'm not sure that it's always cool detachment that's needed for better function. If you mean what I would think of as "detached awareness" - observing without judging, - then that certainly has its place. I think there's always a risk for trauma survivors that we actually aim for a level of dissociation instead, not being able to tell the difference between that and quiet acceptance of things that are difficult. I'm gradually learning that it can mean a detached awareness of some very painful feelings and insights that I'd rather not have but need to learn to allow and accept without judging them, so I can process them and they can pass through me.

"You are constantly let down by people, maintaining expectations that are never met"

...or maybe

"You push away love when it is afforded you".

I think wanting improved function does mean you want change. Often when asked if we really want to change, the question isn't about the want on its own, but about what we're prepared to do to bring about the change. A comfort zone might not feel very comfortable, but it's better than the "worse" that we think lies outside it. These statements to me seem to be about the willingness to break out of a comfort zone.

To change our expectations of people can feel too much against our own value systems, unless we can question those values and whether there are other ones we also need to consider. As the question goes - would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

Pushing away love can also be easier than allowing it - for me, this is certainly true. This is a question of safety and trust, which can be huge issues for those with PTSD.

I think these two things need to be addressed with action, a little at a time. This is where it's necessary to move from theory into practice, even if theory feels more comfortable. I agree with you that perceptions can't be turned off with the flick of a switch. I think it's repeated querying of our initial thoughts and reactions, and repeated small steps to act against them, that builds up into creating change. This is done by setting small goals and challenges, attempting them, using coping strategies afterwards, and monitoring the outcomes.

I'd suggest that taking steps outside your comfort zone can be balanced by allowing yourself to return to a comfort level at other times. It sounds like academic study is a strong positive for you, that it can ground you and bring a measure of calm. So it could be a great coping tool for you. The issue, as I see it, is to ration that rather than stop it, and to mix in some action-based challenges (cognitive and behavioural) a little at a time.

I don't know - both for myself and others mind you - how to 'hold out' for the 'better tomorrow' based upon a collection of more or less better circumstances when such relative tranquility (such as it has been experienced) has been fragmented and fleeting.

I struggle with this very much. It's easier for me to focus on individual steps than to try to see a bigger picture, because I don't even have a bigger picture. I can't imagine what a better tomorrow would look like for me, and I struggle to imagine myself ever achieving it. Incremental change is a more manageable concept. I have made progress, and I function better than I did before, although my functioning is still quite poor. I know my therapist holds the hope of something much more, but often that idea's too difficult for me.

So maybe I should say that a slightly better tomorrow seems possible, and any improvement is a relief.

It does sound like your therapist's efforts to stress test your cognitions has not been helpful to you, and I'm sorry for that. Do you feel generally that she's a good therapist for you to see? Mine is a good therapist for me and she will still sometimes make suggestions that seem so out of tune with my nature, I wonder what she's thinking. At other times, it actually helps me because later I think through so many reasons against what she said, that I begin to find a different direction for myself emerging. I hope something like that can come out of this for you. If a Dr Phil moment isn't going to work for you, maybe that could be a starting point for working out what could help you more.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with Hashi above.

And perhaps the 'pushing away' your T speaks of doesn't feel or isn't present for you, so her words, though well-intentioned, do not assist you.

Have you thought of a "Thomas Merton 'moment' " (just a thought.. ) .

Best wishes RB, a cyber-hug if you accept it.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Thank you each - I treasure the feedback,

I'll print all and mull it in total before responding in reasoned detail. I know that I risk exposure for putting so much on the table - but then to push forward and to cover new ground may require such. More to come - I really appreciate the time and consideration that has demonstrably been afforded me.


M.

 

[jeeps for now]

Hello,

In a conference the other day, NJ governor Chris Christie was responding to outside remarks pertaining to his overly-heavy physical stature i.e., he is fat. He stated that he was in "excellent health", and outsiders shouldn't pre-judge this. Is he right (about his health) ?

People are difficult, if not impossible to understand. We all do things for good, chosen reasons that are integral with the way things are for us. I am glad you find solace in your readings.

I would like to plant a seed for you, pertaining to our complex universe. The only way science could begin to grasp it's meaning was to try and observe what happened way back in the beginning.

Feelings.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I offer my support, however, my PTSD keeps me from understanding your message. I understand each sentence, but I can't integrate it into a whole. I'm sorry.

From what I gather, your therapist wants you to stop reading about PSTD, and start living? I used to do the same, and it was a struggle to stop, but I finally built up enough trust in my therapist to let him lead the therapy, and I would concentrate on my life. I joined a few groups, met some friends, started to have a life outside of the PTSD. I still research, but not all the time. I had to go about a year before I trusted him enough to do this. So perhaps it is a matter of trusting your therapist.

He stated that he was in "excellent health", and outsiders shouldn't pre-judge this. Is he right (about his health) ?

I don't understand what this has to do with anything? If he is healthy, he is healthy. You can't tell a person's health by looking at them. How does this fit in? I'm sorry, I'm really confused now.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Thanks,

I'm very sorry to shut people out for the difficulties of my sentences, and the inaccessibility of the language I employ. Please accept this apology even as I'm at pains to reform, for as evident in my words and across kind responses, there will be aspects of self (though subject to evolution for application to such matters) that are the material of core identity. I suppose relating such identifies the heart the matter; i.e. what is volitional, and more importantly - what is not? I think I've mentally processed my T's words as a threat to my core disposition versus the possibilities of splitting out traumatic recall from topical interests prompted by this same trauma. Still 'stuck' although this hasn't any relation to the quality of the responses afforded; i.e. special thanks to Hashi.

-

If it helps, I read sociology (think a fusion of history, psychology, and economics), psychology (with special emphasis upon the experience of stigma/difference/and the social circumstance of working class intellectuals, the educational and life-course trajectories of the working poor/lower-middle class, etc.), and economics (with emphasis placed on the totality of global economic integration, outsourcing, ever-greater scale, organizational flattening, refinements of inventory control, mass marketing and mass culture, etc.). In sum, my intake is consistent with outfitting myself with a highly attuned and deeply interwoven matrix of insights and understanding that informs a core orientation of depressive realism. Some people become activists and/or social critics as a byproduct or result of undesired experiences, and I certain qualify as ‘one of those’.

Decades ago I intuited that if I couldn't 'shut OFF' what I now understand to proclivities in the direction of hypersensitivity, that at the very least I could strive to inform myself about that which most concerned me – and the list kept growing and growing. Then I was trying not to act out; i.e. self-medicate, fight, establish a criminal profile and record. Instead I desired to be constructive in relation to what I, in a self-congratulatory sense framed as a curiosity I could not still. Maybe this is an artful and solipsistic reframing of childhood PTSD - a fair point this. Such does not fully explain who it is I am at present.

My tendencies in the depressive direction matter not in relation to many less happy trends I witness evolve. In a sense 'I don't matter' - and relating such isn't so much consistent with some conception of personal defeat or helplessness, but rather with the over-awed orientation to one who picks up on themes and manifestations of trends that might serve corporations and stockholders well, but otherwise - eh?

Again, if it helps - it almost feels like I've been outfitted with extra perceptions that whatever else value such afford, do not strictly translate to greater social and occupational effectiveness. More worrying (and disorienting too) is to note how blithely unaware most are regarding much - something that makes me feel very uncomfortable and impaired in my capacity to create, cultivate and maintain social bonds. The PTSD history (fill in the blank) is the foundation all this is step atop, while saying such does not deactivate what for long was unconsciously stitched together. Evolution towards the ‘better’, greater awareness, greater ‘control’ is the promise.

I think part of my difficultly with letting others in is a core fatalism I carry within that is part PTSD-rooted, and partially topic-rooted; i.e. if 'they don't know' and aren't 'responding to the threat' how can 'they/he/she' be trusted? Relaxing is further made difficult for my father died at 39, his only brother at 42, and my uncle's son at his own hand age 34. Being 43 years of age at present, I live on pins and needles in the belief I MUST HURRY always. Not quite the Last of the Mohicans, I'm nevertheless last of something and painfully conscious of this; i.e. I'm the last surviving male of what would seem to be a doomed 'race'. Advice (however well meant) in the direction of 'being mindful' seems to amplify the anxiety I feel, prompting further study, further worry, etc.

-

In some ways I recoil in relation to conceptions of child and/or adult giftedness, but the literature does offer some pathways forward with regards to asynchronous development, felt dissatisfaction with regards to existing social networks, and the work load implied and necessitated by the need to tap more rarefied networks that may hold certain promise. Though not by definition a trauma literature, I've discovered some utility for the study of materials (usually written to instruct parents, although not always) intended to facilitate the discovery of mentor networks and nodes of interest in sympathy with certain proclivities and predilections.

At least the literature so-described is positive, is tonally consistent with 'working within the orientation', and hence affirms rather than denies. Some guidelines for psych. care tapping into issues common for those deemed gifted can and may be found via psych. database searching, and these help a bit to better frame needs manifest by a certain sub-community, a certain subculture if you will, whereas I'll test the validity of any conceptual tool for such is what I do.

In a manner of speaking, I'm artificially affording myself the cultural capital-rich, upper middle class, academic psych. informed child rearing I didn't receive in-period. With regards to searching for connection, current affairs book clubs, film clubs, museum/artist's clubs, philosophical clubs, etc. have been accessed and attended via meetup.com, whereas university lectures, antiquarian book clubs/book sales, activist involvement variously manifest are partaken of. Efforts directed towards the pursuit of post-secondary educational options beyond what I formally possess constitutes other promise, although just at the end of this paragraph I run out of breath for depressive realism constitutes my orientation towards all matters I embrace. I really don't want to say as much, but an attitude of 'grim determination' defines me. If I maintain a low-profile and do others no harm, must I necessarily respond or alter my conception of self or self-worth based upon a more broadly-held definition of what equates to happiness? I so take matters to heart...

-

All of this is of course overlaid atop various legacies equating to experiences of trauma. Though identified as a trauma specialist, my T. still reacts with wonder when some environmental cue/trigger will prompt from myself a heated and deeply intellectualized response consistent with one who is overbearing, who might be regarded as intolerant, etc. I would relate to the reader that past trauma oriented me towards topical study to cement and re-cement commitment to the task of gathering, dissembling and - if possible (!), synthesizing that which could be learned. I often react as something of a firebrand activist for I recall memories (often elaborately linked) of many a circumstance equating to being powerless in relation to aggressions visited upon me. It isn't as though I consciously awake in the morning desiring if you will to 'get even' or to 'take revenge' for 'insults visited upon me'.

I'd be appalled if I was reduced to such a primitive state, although the dynamic of C-PTSD equates to such even as I liberally apply the most textured intellectual gloss atop whatever it is I'm serving. I think my T. believes that recognizing the dynamic and voicing such aloud will result in speedier extinction of the response dynamic than is strictly possible - perhaps I'm detecting a degree of inexperience? Within desiring to diminish the worth of professional psychological care when such can afford value, unimpressed I remain by those who read about trauma in detail but who've not suffered proportional to comprehend the internal enormity of what is being implied. Such individuals ‘know’ for reading - but can they? I'm conscious of a process, of what has always been a commitment to a conception of improved function manifest as life effectiveness, but still confused I am. I know that I don't 'like the terms' of what seems unconditional identity surrender, while I cannot help registering what I feel is disingenuous and unimaginative about the approach. Sorry - flummoxed and yet obviously dysfunctional whilst so-being.

-

UGH! - a great many words typed then. There should be points afforded for demonstrating patience to read such in total, but alas, the site won't grant you them. Thanks...


M.

 

['91 Girl]

ResilientBibliophile,

First of all, your language is really impressive. Normally, I would be able to follow it, however as of late, my brain is not up to functioning at that level...or any level, it seems.

What did stand out is that you said a simple phrase. You said that you don't matter, in terms of the grand scheme of things wrong with the world (if I'm following...and that's definitely questionable right now). I have to disagree. The grand scheme of the world is made up of a million little things, each impacting other people and things, and over time impacting the world. Our little world does matter, whether its our difficulties or successes. Sometimes we get caught up in the big picture, and miss the little things, and the fact that the little things in each of us has a profound impact on the whole.

I really don't think that's what you have been talking about overall, but I really had to point that out.

 

[Hashi]

In sum, my intake is consistent with outfitting myself with a highly attuned and deeply interwoven matrix of insights and understanding that informs a core orientation of depressive realism.

This is only one "reality" though, or only one view (the depressive one) of it.

Have you read "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl? He was a psychiatrist and a survivor of Nazi concentration camps. His book is about how he found a different meaning for his reality in the camps, and he maintained that whatever our circumstances we still have the freedom to choose our own thoughts. He expanded this philosophy to developing a new type of therapy (logotherapy). For me, the way he took his experiences and realisations forward into therapeutic practice was too focussed on himself as an individual, his own religion and his own culture at the time. However, the book's an astonishing example of different views of one "reality". (Note - it's also likely to be triggering, though, and maybe best read about, rather than read.)

This is only my impression, please disregard it if you think it's off the mark. In a way, from what you say in both your posts it sounds like your tendency is to "read yourself into a corner", where you're left with little room to expand or change your overall outlook but tend to gravitate towards a genre that will reinforce your existing world view. I still think that studying itself (rather than stopping studying) could be one route out of that corner, if you want to find one.

I would venture - and I hope you don't mind - that you might be limiting the possibility of change for yourself with the range of what you're reading. I still hold out for philosophies that deal with acceptance and a more positive world view, to focus with an open mind on different interpretations of "reality". Eastern philosophies in particular address how we "don't matter" and at the same time we matter very much. I'm not pushing religion, only referring to philosophical schools of thought.

There are also a number of different viewpoints and approaches in sociology, psychology, economics etc. I think there's more to be gathered and learned, by focussing in a slightly different direction from your studies to date.

You sound passionate about knowledge and thought, and are clearly connecting with others through that route. I wonder what effect it would have if you could take a leap into alternative areas of knowledge and thought and be willing to have your current interpretations challenged by other ones.

I often react as something of a firebrand activist for I recall memories (often elaborately linked) of many a circumstance equating to being powerless in relation to aggressions visited upon me. It isn't as though I consciously awake in the morning desiring if you will to 'get even' or to 'take revenge' for 'insults visited upon me'.

I think this is natural for trauma survivors, and it's one of the things that can push us towards recovery. Don't the best activists in all areas take their anger and outrage and channel it into positive change?

I'm conscious of a process, of what has always been a commitment to a conception of improved function manifest as life effectiveness, but still confused I am. I know that I don't 'like the terms' of what seems unconditional identity surrender, while I cannot help registering what I feel is disingenuous and unimaginative about the approach.

This is a really important awareness, and sounds like it could be at the heart of the matter.

In a different thread, gizmo talked about how we become victims of our own survival strategies, meaning the things which we needed to do and which have served us well. We reach a point where something different is needed, but we feel this long-established way of coping (including ways of thinking and seeing the world) is who we are. Anything else can feel inauthentic. However, sometimes it is a long-practised behaviour more than a quality in ourselves.

Love of study sounds like an essential part of who you are. What you've been studying to date, and your viewpoint as a result, isn't necessarily so. It could be what you've needed to focus on until now, for valid reasons of understanding and processing, but that doesn't necessarily mean its a permanent part of your identity. I think this needs to be explored, rather than seen as a given.

At the same time, there will always be some processes and approaches that simply don't fit with our core identities. For me, for example, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for "minor" patterns is helpful, but for addressing trauma it's too much at odds with my personal philosophy, values and beliefs. For many others, CBT gives them the key to address trauma symptoms. So whether CBT is appropriate depends on the individual. If any approach or process isn't appropriate, then something else will be. In that case, we have to work out what, find it (or negotiate for it with our current therapists) and practise it.

My humble opinion is that this would be helpful to explore with your therapist, perhaps in a less challenging and more understanding way from her than at your last session. And - again, I hope you don't mind me saying this - you may need to be willing to meet her half way. If her way of challenging you was so unhelpful, can you both find a way of working that's better? As part of that, if you are willing to apply some socratic questioning to what you have expressed here, perhaps this viewpoint could open up to adjustment without feeling that your identity was being taken away.

Surviving trauma and living with its effects is unbelievably hard, and therapy can challenge our feelings of safety and identity to a high degree. I do sympathise with you.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Yes, I've read the Frankl title Man's Search for Meaning. I was o.k. with it, but it didn't leave so very much of an impression. In a sense I almost feel to be missing the faith gene, although I wish not to denigrate the solace others derive from expressions of a spiritual life and existence. On a related note, I've had trouble 'going Eastern' in relation to being open and/or embracing less severe by contrast to dark cave I've felt my way through. Some rudimentary explorations in this direction, but something short of what may be called for.

With Frankl I think I was (and this will seem strange) envious of his status within the camp. To be a doctor - even sans supplies, was to occupy a role of profound importance even as the world turned upside down around him, around all sucked into a corrosive vortex fueled by hatred and facilitated by indifference. I still don't know why - I envied his centrality within appalling circumstance, and such overshadowed my awareness of the key themes presented.

Holocaust studies in general are a dietary staple here, whereas yesterday evening I viewed the Alain Resnais documentary short Night and Fog. Eli Wiesel's Night was finished about a month ago, while Arendt's Eichmann in Jerusalem was completed some short time before that. Paralleling some of this input is a new found interest in topics having to do with psychological survival in extremis; i.e. Victor Serge's Psychological Survival, a sort of longitudinal study of English convicts and the adaptations they devised to cope with various levels of effectiveness in relation to severe isolation and and/or the presence of poor company was discovered worthwhile. From Wiesel again I fixated on strange subthemes; i.e. that throughout the experiences had across camps, that for three-quarters of it he had the solace and love of his father. At all times members of his home community would be present and afford human warmth, human kindness in many an extreme circumstance. Again, I envied his circumstance - how could I say such?

Maybe for alternate and alternative views, I'm too rooted in the cold analytic frame of econ. and sociology. Such frameworks of understanding once developed, seem impossible to scale back or tone down. When factions left and right embrace relevant subthemes based upon real, albeit often terribly depressing trends, I can feel utterly powerless. Some very good people can help another at a corner find their way for affording directions, etc., and of course this is good. In a small way humankind is redeemed for evidence of good will manifest here and there, and I'd be a horrid person indeed to mock such.

By way of contrast, too often and too persistently I'm not able to mentally record what good I've done towards others as a librarian, whereas the socioeconomic distress in evidence within the environments I've worked just overwhelmed me to the extent that putting a brave face upon matters became less and less possible. My undergraduate studies in urban policy were undercut by an awareness that most urban policy issues in dispute with surrounding (and typically wealthier) suburbs and edge cities had already been decided - and not in favor of urban areas and people situated within such! Both guided and independent readings had the effect of bringing the television playing back the tragedies of the day into much closer focus - painfully so in point of fact. But for this crystalline clarity I felt I had no better tools to actually effect policy that could markedly improve life outcomes for those variously tagged as the unloved and unwashed underclass. The strong get stronger, the poor and dispossessed get hammered, ad infinitum.

Much volunteer work is noticed across my CV, but mixed experiences had and fewer friendships formed than I'd have guessed. A great many very good people apportion a segment of their lives to giving to others, although this choice, this orientation does not guarantee that such individuals are necessarily astute, issue-driven activists. Clearly not everyone has to be such, although I suppose I was looking for something. I know - M, why must it always be about you? A hole exists inside me, you see...

For a time I was active within regional atheist circles, although I was saddened to note that the left progressive secular humanists could scarcely hold their ground in relation to the large numbers of 'formerly faithful' who were so bitter by way of contrast. A lot of individuals had found their way to the group(s) via unfortunate and overbearing experiences that if anyone paused to think about it, would be revealed to rooted more in the uncompromising and pathological behavior of elders on the loose as contrasted to expressions of faith too often treated as a toxic chemical compound whenever referenced. Some community was found, but I do not identify myself as a hater and will not ally myself with haters.

In some ways I have to not so much find my way back, but explore forward even as I doubt I can generate the internal capacity of awe and wonder consistent with allowing faith into my life. I've sampled some UU congregations, although I'd have to stick with such if I were ever to expect modest notice as a member of a community manifest thus. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable 'shopping for faith' for I don't want my mask to slip, and I don't want to trod upon the good will of others. I'm looking for community, for some wider experience of faith that might not rely so much upon a conception of the supernatural. Early days then...

Yes, I'm trying to configure myself agreeably in relation to the next T. session, hoping to strike a reasoned compromise for some give and take. This may not make a great deal of sense, but I will respond to individuals who've read a great deal about a topic of personal interest, while it matters little what they've done with it or what conclusions they've drawn. For all my damage, my impaired capacity to trust, to self-regulate, to self-soothe, I become terribly irate if not downright ornery if I sense another has read less - and functions better for 'not knowing'! Such habits defeat CBT-informed efforts to stress test much - and yet I have to 'demonstrate a capacity to move' to achieve anything. I'm really not sure what the next session will bring, I'm trying to remain flexible, although the PTSD recall of many serious matters amiss in my last work circumstance tends to blot out my awareness of some conception of a (let alone any) better future. Hurt, worried, trying to orient myself to matters in a positive way - although unsure of what state I'll be in come Wednesday. Thanks for the kind response...


M

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear RB, bear with my extremely simplistic response to your post. I feel you have nothing to apologize for, and even less reason to bear down so hard on yourself. Firstly, there is no reason to check your intellect at the door, or to justify your love of learning and your tremendously introspective mind. And also, to give yourself credit for what you have done and do, perhaps summarized on your CV, but not defining yourself by it.

Your questions, at least that I have read here, are Eternal ones. I think sometimes however (well, it is actually a part of me), of the saying one day I (personally) will know the questions and the answers.

Sometimes, especially with trauma and particularly with a long trauma history, we try to 'reason' our way out of it (I certainly have. Unfortunately it's been more a form of avoidance of feelings, for me). Unfortunately, I believe it's necessary to learn to think with our heart, as opposed to our head. And I do not say that lightly. What I am specifically referring to, is going out on a limb with our actions (albeit however small). Perhaps beginning by giving what we identify we want or need.

For example, you refer to (please correct me if I am misunderstanding you), the sad state of the world, in so many ways. True, I heartily agree. So do something, however small, as it's polar opposite. Or do something big. Similarly, the hurt and pain, the loneliness, instead of feeling that you have formed relatively few friendships, think of yourself as one very willing and able to be a great friend. Do not think for others, you don't know what difference you have made in their lives. I am certain it is difficult to perhaps find your intellectual equal, but look for that, share your interests, "take the plunge", so to speak. You will do great, I have confidence in you.

Just begin to do what you love. "Love", not just in the intellectual or rational sphere of interests and activities, but let yourself and your mind be creative, specifcally work on how to relax as opposed to reasoning trauma away. (I am hoping you will be pleasantly surprised, what's the worst thing that could happen- you find yourself making new and applicable discoveries and having some fun? :) )

Best wishes, you are far from unreachable, and no, I do believe you want change and to get well; that is, humbly suggesting (in my own terms, I respectively realize), greater joy, peace and a sense of cohesive unity in your life, to feel hopeful, to share love, to find your own meaning, to see within your suffering and/ or perhaps even your existence a purpose.

I hope you can be open to the thought, that what you have gone through and are battling IS for a greater purpose, even if perhaps for a greater reason than you can know at this time.

PTSD, and suffering in general, takes a lot out of you. Be kind to yourself. Think of a child, they don't need to produce or solve anything to enjoy life and to be a joy to others. You do too, and you will, maybe you just can't see that yet. :hug: