Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[safenow]

am saying is that in a dysfunctional family we, unknowingly, unwittingly, contribute to the dysfunction, and we have to start seeing our own patterns, insanity, etc. And this is very difficult to do - with or without them. But I do think it is far more difficult, in fact impossible, to do while you are in contact with them, as you get caught up in lock-step interactions.

I tend to disagree with you, pencil. A small child has no control over what happens in their life. Especially when they are under the age of 5 years.

From that point on, it is part of who we are, until we are able to learn otherwise. I truly do not believe that means we contributed to the dysfunction. just my .02

 

[saffy]

It doesn't get under my skin too much if people think I'm stupid, lazy, etc., but "bad"...man.

HI Sweatpantshairtied

That is interesting to read.

DO you actually believe people when they say you are lazy, stupid ect, is that how you see yourself? because you certainly do not see yourself as bad as you are very defensive of that labelling.

I used to sit and take derogatory remarks because deep down my self esteem was so low I thought mostly that I had no argument. But if someone called me a liar or bad I would go into angry defence mode. Those were the things I new about myself that I definitely was not and no matter what had happened in the past I was never a liar or bad.

You yourself know that you are not bad and you have every right in defending yourself when someone thinks or says you are. But for those who you think will judge you on being bad, do they really know or believe you are?

In the face of it would it be better to use this strength in thinking 'I really am not concerned whether you think I am bad or not. I know I am not bad and am only looking after my own needs. Inside I know that what I do is not bad but a sign of strength to break away from the abuse that has led to this fear of what other people think of me'

I believe you have a lot of very good qualities, morals and virtues despite what has been stripped face on. You have been very strong to have come this far despite all the obstacles you have had to face.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Pencil]

We don't disagree, Safenow. I was the youngest, and contributed the least to my family's dynamics. But it took me a long time to learn to respond, instead of react, to my family - and until then, I took part in it. It is as you say: 'until we are able to learn otherwise'.

 

[jmni]

in a dysfunctional family we, unknowingly, unwittingly, contribute to the dysfunction, and we have to start seeing our own patterns, insanity, etc. And this is very difficult to do - with or without them. But I do think it is far more difficult, in fact impossible, to do while you are in contact with them, as you get caught up in lock-step interactions.

I agree with this completely. No matter how much I learn, or how many sensible discussions I have about boundaries and nonviolent communication once I am with my family I step back into my old habits.

We don't get to chose the family we are born into but once we have the autonomy to leave them we can. So as I see it, I can make my own family by choosing who I want to be with and leaving the toxic/abusers/and neer-do-wells behind or cutting them out.

I think that hemming and hawing can be very problematic. You have to commit to a decision about who you want in your life and around you. And I would also agree that I have bad qualities and I know that I have to change. I mean, how can I not after what I have experienced and what I've been through. For example, I know there is something about me that keeps me from entering into relationships. I think I could be acting strangely or doing things wrong because of my past.
So in addition to committing you really can't let small things keep you back/down. You have to keep moving and focus on what you want to achieve.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I got sucked in for a long time. I found that in order to "get along" with my family I had to be like them. That meant being a bully, a b*tch, or a bigot. Now, the b*tch job was OK, and I've kept that one. The hours are nice and there is no heavy lifting, but being a bully or bigot is exhausting and I was just too lazy for those, so I quit the company. Rat bastards didn't even give me a watch for my three + decades of service.

 

[Pencil]

Rat bastards didn't even give me a watch for my three + decades of service.

BASTARDS! :D Same here. In fact, they stole my pension.

In chapter 4 or 20 or something of my protection order story, I'll explain my sister's attempts at hurting me by targeting my daughter, but for the moment, let me just say that the school counselor is involved, and she recently said to me: 'Every time your sister barks, you run to your basket.' This was a shock - I thought I was being adult by ignoring my sister. But no, I have to admit that by not standing up to her I am allowing her to bark, I still give her power. And I'm providing my daughter with a very poor example of how to deal with bullies. And I'm still playing the victim - this is the part I hate. And so I am perpetuating the family dynamics. Watch this space - I'm going to change this pattern very soon ;)

The hours are nice and there is no heavy lifting

:D

I think that hemming and hawing can be very problematic.

YES!

 

[jmni]

I found that in order to "get along" with my family I had to be like them.

I think that the dynamic is set up to thrive in a hostile environment of their creation. To truly leave it behind and start over you have to sacrifice what ever it is that you contribute and whatever you receive whether it be financial, abuse towards someone you resent, co-dependence, or whatever need you have... Apparently a lot of people have trouble abandoning their dysfunctional behavior even if they have been 100% victim up until the time that they exit.

 

[Pencil]

Apparently a lot of people have trouble abandoning their dysfunctional behavior even if they have been 100% victim up until the time that they exit.

This is described so well in articles on 'Trauma Bonding' or 'Stockholm Syndrome'. If you want to I can post links.

 

[saffy]

Yes I agree Pencil, there are lots of reasons why victims stay with abusers.

Unfortunately if the abuser is forgiven or is accepted it reinforces the abuse and so it will continue until someone leaves willingly or through being really hurt.

The cycle of abuse is damaging and can lead the victim to feelings of low self worth, fear of being alone, fear of attracting other abusers, thinking they are only good enough for the abuser or the abusers reinforces the lack of self worth by saying it is normal or that they are over reacting.

Other reasons could be financial, children or familiarity.

Abuse is a deadly sin.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

@pencil that would be great, thanks.

I'm curious as to how many people in this thread have actually completely cut ties with their (toxic) family.

 

[Pencil]

pencil that would be great, thanks.

Jmni, here's one. I'll post more links later:
Link Removed

how many people in this thread have actually completely cut ties with their (toxic) family

Me. I have zero contact. They (sicko sister and brother, and the only members of my original family of 7 members still alive) contact me sporadically, but I don't respond - meaning I don't answer the phone, I don't react to sister's antics - which I will still elaborate on in a later 'chapter'. I was close to my eldest sister, but she died in August last year.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

how many people in this thread have actually completely cut ties with their (toxic) family

Edited to move my comment out of the quote - oops!

Despite them living right on top of me (same town/county), I have no contact nor wish to ever restart any contact with mine. As soon as finances and other circumstances (therapy) are OK, I will move away, maybe before. I am safely away and I relish my freedom, even if I mostly only celebrate it from my bedroom. (At the moment I do feel a little trapped, hence needing the therapy, as I think I would anywhere in the UK, I've thought about moving abroad as well, but that's unnecessary.)

AJ
xx