Repeated Sexsomnia Rapes And Pressing Charges

[Abstract]

I am so very sorry core. I know that disconnected feeling where it is impossible to feel clear. It says a lot about how it affected you.

I think he is criminally culpable. Regardless of his condition he has not shown remorse or any sense of responsibility. And because of that I think he would do it again.

His other behaviour also fits neatly into the big picture. I truly think a different person with this condition would behave totally differently. Imagine if you or I did something like that and how we would respond.

Please know though that whatever you decide to do you need to listen and take into consideration what is right for you.

 

[Core]

Imagine if you or I did something like that and how we would respond.

I know, I've thought about that, and dear God, I'd never let myself fall asleep next to anyone again. All the rape victims who are destroyed by it, eating disorders, PTSD, OCD, agoraphobia, severe depression and anxiety, relationships with themselves and others devastated... I'd never forgive myself. I'll try to talk to his other ex, and no matter what she says I'll try talking to the police too. I know my best friend will come with me for support, which is a big help.

 

[Abstract]

I think you are very brave. I don't know if I could do it. I am also glad you have a friend to who can support you.

Be careful to ground and keep in touch with how you feel and what you need.

Take care.

 

[nomedic1]

I think you are doing the right thing Core. Good luck and keep safe

 

[shoulderblades]

I had a "friend" who claimed he had sex somnia. He would talk about it like it was something funny, to roll over on to a woman in bed and force her to have sex with him and apparently him not knowing about it. He would joke about it and talk about his ex-wives not liking it but he found this funny, too. He thought it was all a great joke. This same "friend" took severe sexual advantage of me (not through "sex somnia"; he was always very conscious and awake and knew what he was doing).

It's up to you whether you report it - it's utterly understandable if you choose not to. Reporting sexual assault is really scary, intimidating and there's the ever-present fear of not being believed, taken seriously and/or not being listened to. Or worst of all, being told it's your fault.

That your ex never sought treatment and continued existing in a relationship with you, knowing he apparently has this disorder, is plain negligence on his part, and if you do feel strong enough to go ahead and press charges, I say go for it. Assuming he actually is telling the truth with having sex somnia, I feel for him but he is not taking responsibility for it and is destroying people's integrity and human rights by not getting treated. No, he may not be able to help it but that doesn't excuse not getting help for it. (I am highly suspicious of men who claim to have sex somnia, if only because of this ex "friend" of mine who was a predator and predated sexually on vulnerable women. That's my own baggage, though.)

 

[Abstract]

I totally agree that you should only do this if you feel able. Your wellbeing, feelings and recovery are important.

 

[Core]

and if you do feel strong enough to go ahead and press charges, I say go for it.

I don't, but I will try reporting it to the police, in case other girls go through this with him and try to press charges. Also, if there is anything the police can do with only me reporting, then maybe he'll understand on an intellectual level that he can't let this happen again.

I am highly suspicious of men who claim to have sex somnia, if only because of this ex "friend" of mine who was a predator and predated sexually on vulnerable women.

That is very understandable. I'm sorry for what he did to you, and I'm glad you no longer have him as a "friend".

 

[Core]

I totally agree that you should only do this if you feel able. Your wellbeing, feelings and recovery are important.

Now that pressing charges has finally occurred to me, I'll be occasionally thinking about whether it happens with other girls for a very long time. Actually treating the rapes as criminal and worthy of making known to the police will probably help make it real and help me out of denial. It's going to be really, really difficult, but it may help both others and myself.

 

[shoulderblades]

maybe he'll understand on an intellectual level that he can't let this happen again.

One can only hope that would be the outcome. That's about as good an outcome as you'd get in this situation. :-/

I'm sorry for what he did to you, and I'm glad you no longer have him as a "friend".

Thank you. I'm sorry, too, and I'm glad he's no longer in my life. I could never identify why I felt so... weird about him; I could never understand the feeling of repulsiveness that I would feel around him and whenever I thought about him. I understand it now, though - what he was doing to me was wrong and I knew that on some baseline level but I also never questioned it because I'm so used to being abused and am so used to feeling like I deserve abuse. Boy, doesn't trauma f*ck us over. :-(

Good luck with everything, Core. Just remember to do what is right for you - try not to let other people's dogma confuse you or cause you to feel conflicted. A lot of people who've never experienced sexual assault have no concept of how hard it actually is to not only deal with but talk about, especially when it comes to dealing with authorities and the ridiculous "ambiguous definition" the legal system places on things like rape and sexual assault.

What you decide to do is right for you, regardless what anyone else thinks. You are not wrong for not reporting it, just as you are not wrong if you do report it. If there's anything empowering in the situation, it's that you have the control with regards to how to deal with it; your choice of how to deal with it is you taking back the control this man stole from you, sex somnia or not. *offers hugs*

 

[Hashi]

Core, have you thought about what pressing charges could mean for you? I'm not trying to put you off doing it if you think that's right. I just hope you can be prepared for the kind of questions that are likely to be asked of you.

Even if someone else is also pressing similar charges against him, you're likely to be challenged to some degree on what you say, which in a way is right because someone could say things to the police about an ex-partner for malicious, untrue reasons and the police need to test that out and investigate it. That would inevitably mean some very personal and difficult questions.

What isn't right is that you might be challenged in a way that almost puts you on trial. I've seen this happen to someone I know who brought rape charges against a complete stranger. His defence was built around the idea that she had seduced him in the street after she'd been behaving in an over-sexed way at a party. It was ridiculous, and she won the case, but the accusations that she had to answer during the trial were extremely distressing for her.

I think you would need to be prepared that this process might not be very helpful towards making it real and coming out of denial, depending on the police response to you, and especially if it goes beyond the police. I know this is about what your ex-partner did or didn't do, but I think you may need to stand firm in your own reality to deal with inevitably being challenged on every aspect of what you did and didn't do, from why you didn't contact the police earlier and on from there.

I'd strongly suggest seeing if you can get support from an advocacy service to help you with this. I don't know about where you are, but in the UK there are rape and sexual abuse support centres which provide advocacy for legal processes as part of what they do.