Relationship At A Loss How To Help

[awayhome06]

So, here is my basic situation. I have been dealing with my husband's PTSD for two years by basically ignoring it. I would work around it to be functional, but he was very good at hiding and lying about his symptoms.

It turns out he had a plan to commit suicide. He confided this to a female co-worker and then slept with her. Over the next month he went back and forth between us.

He told me over the course of that month that we needed to work on marital problems I hadn't realized existed (a lot of it being his lack of ability to feel love).

When it turned out that she was pregnant, he told me about the affair and he decided to move in with her. The reason he had given is that he thinks its the right thing to do. He cares for her, but is not happy with her. He continues to confide in me. He obviously still loves me (this is based on evidence not a sentimentality).

Since realizing that his illness is much worse than I had thought, I have formed a desire to advocate for him and help him through his treatment as much as he will allow.

I know that right now he is both afraid to hurt me and unable to have a genuine relationship.

I have made a rule that he has to be in therapy to be allowed to see our kids, this has helped some.

What I am struggling with is how to talk to him. Some of the things he says and bases his decision on are not reality based but from false logic. Should I express that to him, or would it cause more harm?

As many people have described, he is unpredictable. I never know for sure, as well as I have always known him, how he might react. Some have suggested I not allow him to confide in me, for my own sake.

Even though he didn't trust me, or himself, to tell me the worst of it first, he seems to need a sounding board, and I want to be there for him.

So, how do I tell what is good for him, and myself?

I would really love input from sufferers themselves especially. My experience here is really minimal, and its hard to know what he's going through, he doesn't know yet how to explain his feelings or what had changed fire him because of the PTSD, and I have a cloying need to understand it.

 

[safenow]

HI awayhome06,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You are going to find many good people here.

As a person with PTSD from multiple traumas, I can share with you my thoughts on this. First, since he is moving in with her, let him know you don't want to hear his thoughts and feelings any longer. Let him know you love him, but right now, you don't like him, nor do you respect him.

I think using your children to blackmail him into seeking help is wrong. If he is drinking, doing drugs, or is out of control, don't allow him to see them. Otherwise, he is their father, and they need to see him as much as he needs to see them and know that his leaving was not their fault. That is the way children think. He is the only one who can instill that in them. You can talk until you are blue in the face and they won't hear it. They will think you are just trying to protect him.

Being unpredictable is typical for someone with PTSD, sleeping with another woman is not. It was just him being a horny old man, pure and simple. Shame on him for cheating on you. PTSD had nothing to do with that.

By the way, be sure to put two blank spaces between your paragraphs. It makes it easier to read. Thanks.

Just my .02 cents. Good luck

 

[awayhome06]

I greatly appreciate your welcome and your take on my situation. I Intend to say just that.

I Just wanted to clarify, I was not blackmailing him, but telling him the consequences for what he was doing. He was getting to a point of not being able to control his anger and lashing out. I needed to be certain it wouldn't be directed at the kids. It served to make him realize where he was and that he truly couldn't fix it himself. Perhaps I am trying to control too much of the situation, though. He had made efforts since leaving to wrest control of anything from me, so its hard top know where the lines are.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hi there and welcome to the site.

First I'd just like to say I am so sorry this has happened to you. PTSD or not cheating is NOT ok, and neither is it related to PTSD. I have PTSD and can attest to the suicidal thoughts, avoidance, isolation, difficulty in emoting, and lying to hide symptoms but cheating is a different beast entirely.

I myself don't have children but I thought it was more than reasonable when I read his staying in therapy was a stipulation to see your kids. It's a difficult topic that has a great deal of ethical and moral questions tacked onto it so I expect you're going to have a lot of differing views on that topic. Ultimately it'll come down to you and doing what you believe is best and SAFEST for your children.

I would really love input from sufferers themselves especially. My experience here is really minimal, and its hard to know what he's going through, he doesn't know yet how to explain his feelings or what had changed fire him because of the PTSD, and I have a cloying need to understand it.

It's REALLY difficult at this stage. I was stuck in the "I don't even know what to say" stage for about 6 months after I was diagnosed. For me I just couldn't process anything, I was to swept up in my instincts of flight or fight that I couldn't even talk. To give you an actual example: My PTSD stems from medical trauma, I've had serious health issues which have had me on my death bed, physical ailments that made being touched painful, as well as being medically experimented on. So my example to you is this. I've been conditioned to expect pain when touched. The only way I can describe it is like this. I would flinch when someone would come in to shake a hand or hug me as much as you would flinch when someone would point a flaming hot torch at you. You don't think "that firey torch looks dangerous therefore I should avoid it", it's hardwired into you to avoid it instinctually. Just like for me it's been hardwired for me to be touched will be painful so instinctually I flinch or get out of the way.

Even though I know this I'm still having difficulties expressing myself. Because when I've been agitated my instincts kick in but at the same time I'm trying to overcome this instinct, this conditions. It's like asking someone to NOT pull their hand off of a hot burner. And what's even more baffling is that while I can write all of this to you in great detail I'm positive if we were talking in person I would barely be able to articulate this to you. It's frustrating beyond belief. But what's amazing about the hardwiring of the brain is that it's ever changing and ever adapting. I've been very slowly over the past year been able to make changes, I've been more vocal in expressing myself which is huge for me.

I'm not sure what your husband's PTSD stems from but the concept is the same. He's been wired to react a certain way to certain stimuli. It's difficult to differentiate feelings from responses.

The very best thing you can do is to educate yourself on this topic. There are many threads in all of the forums that would be of interest to you. But I think first getting to the basics would be the best. PTSD 101 What it is, what the common symptoms are, how it's related to the brain, how it's treated etc etc. I know it's daunting but when you get the "general" facts down things may seem to make more sense and when you do that you can see the similarities and deviations your husband may exhibit. There are plenty of books out there as well. Some books are very medical, some are first hand accounts, others are simplified. Some people will swear by some books and discount others. For me the first book that spoke to me is "What Doesn't Kill Us - The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth". And of course this site. There are so many wonderful people here that will help you through your questions and experiences. It takes time, when I first started here I was very timid but the more active I became the more I got out of it.

I guess I'm just saying access any and all of your options in this.


As to what's good for yourself? Do NOT forget that you are you. That while you want to help there's only so much you can do, ultimately it's up to HIM to change. You can guide and support but you can't do the change for him. You need to take care of yourself and your children. While all of this is daunting make sure not to forget about you and your needs.


And might I add that I am beyond amazed at your capacity to love and support those you care about. If anything I hope you realize this about yourself in your journey here. I can only hope to find someone who'd be willing to put forth half as much effort as you do. I really do mean that.


I welcome you to this site and wish you comfort and wellness.

 

[awayhome06]

PTSD or not cheating is NOT ok, and neither is it related to PTSD.

Thank you for saying so. I have been all too willing to excuse it because he was searching for an emotional connection that the PTSD had stolen from him. The truth is he should have been trying to figure out how to feel that with me again, or at the very least tell me that he didn't so that we could figure out what to do about it together. I needed to hear someone say that it was still his fault, because he sure doesn't.

For me I just couldn't process anything, I was to swept up in my instincts of flight or fight that I couldn't even talk.

Thank you so much for explaining how you feel. I have such a hard time understanding or knowing what to say and do. My husband has gotten leaps and bounds better at expressing himself, but it has come with a huge backlash of lack of sleep from nightmares and inability to cope in other ways.

To go into a little more detail, my husband is a combat vet, but I suspect that he has had problems going all the way back to childhood from having alcoholic and abusive parents. I don't know (he has only been in therapy for a month) if it would be PTSD all that way back, but he has often told me (since his deployment) that he has been in a constant state of anger since his teenage years. I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that, at least until he has made it much further along in his recovery, he doesn't have the coping mechanisms available to himto handle talking about his triggers or how he is feeling when he gets detached or angry or taken over by whatever other reaction. My desire is to fix it, but I am working on finding better ways (thank you for the book recommendation by the way) to support him and manage my expectations.

I greatly appreciate all of the advice and encouragement.

Sincerely,
A way home

 

[Bilby]

Awayhome06 - welcome to the forum.

I can only agree with the others, that PTSD certainly cannot explain him cheating on you. He needs to take responsibility here and own what he has done - PTSD will never be an excuse for this. I'm not sure I understand his desire to want to move in with her because she is pregnant, particularly given you are married and have children together. Working on your own relationship should be the priority. Obviously he does have responsibilities to consider going forward, but abandoning his relationship with you and moving away doesn't seem to sit right with me.

In terms of understanding PTSD, there are many useful threads on this forum and one particular called 'boundaries' is a really good one. Also, see if you can get a copy of a book called "The PTSD Relationship". It is listed as a recommended book on this forum, and I got it downloaded to the kindle. It is definitely worth reading - not just for you, but also for your husband.

It's important to be aware that you aren't able to 'fix' his PTSD - it is something that he will need to work on, but with a greater understanding of what it involves specifically for your husband, I'm sure you will find yourself better equipped to handle the situation. I'd strongly suggest that you look into some counselling for yourself, so that you have some professional support. It may also be useful, if your husband is agreeable, to meeting with his Doctor/Therapist also, as this will help you understand exactly how things are for him.

I'd like to suggest that you ensure that you and the children are looked after. Obviously it will be confusing for them, as to why their Dad has moved out, particularly when combined with having PTSD.

Good luck.

B x

 

[99Phoenix99]

I have such a hard time understanding or knowing what to say and do. My husband has gotten leaps and bounds better at expressing himself, but it has come with a huge backlash of lack of sleep from nightmares and inability to cope in other ways.

What you've written here is particularly difficult. One of the problems I've at least noticed for myself and my supporters is that they always ask or try to figure out what it is I need. And the problem is that sometimes I don't even know what I need. I've made improvements for sure, but it all lays with the problem that in some instances I don't know what it is I need. I know I need help. They know I need help. But neither of us knows what to do.

Therapy for sure helps out, using the coaching tools that are taught help a great deal. For me constantly making sure I'm self aware is very helpful because I have a knack to slip in and out of dissociation quite often. But like you mentioned therapy has a backlash. In my experience the beginning was the worst for me. Repressed memories would appear and disappear like horrifying dreams whether I was awake or not. I had to start journaling because when a memory would set me into an attack I would curl up in a ball and not be able to stop the scenes playing over and over again like a film. It caused so much stress, so much fear in me, that after it finally passed I was so physically and emotionally exhausted I couldn't process what just happened and just like that the memory that hit me like a tone of bricks... I couldn't even remember what it was that upset me. I spent hours trying to figure out why I had just been crying and nothing would come to mind. I felt like I was going crazy.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that while you're trying to understand what's going on, he himself may not even understand what's going on with himself. Thus the difficulty in coping. How do you cope when you can't even figure out what's happening? And that in part is what made me especially angry. I'm a rather prideful person and it did nothing but make me disgusted in myself for not being able to stop or even understand why I could crumble at the drop of the hat. It wasn't who I was. It wasn't who I was supposed to be. And yet I was despite how badly I tried to stop it. It made me feel weak and that made a volatile spiral.

Again these are just my experiences, I can't speak for your husband, but I hope that can at least help give you an understanding of how maddening it can be at times.

I agree with what Bilby mentioned about counseling as well as there being no "fix". It's a matter of management so that when something happens it isn't a shattering moment, that way you can get on with your life.

But please keep in mind that while he may be going through that, you have every right to get your own help. Point blank you don't deserve that or to be treated like that. There are no if's ands or buts about it. Please take care of yourself. You are very important, you are loved, and you deserve whatever help it is that you need. And please don't do what I do. Don't ignore your feelings saying they're not important. If you are angry, then you damn well be angry. Repressing that will only make things harder in the long run. Admitting to yourself how you feel can help you harness those feelings and then you can use them to motivate yourself to do what it is you need to do.

Take care of yourself.

 

[awayhome06]

Admitting to yourself how you feel can help you harness those feelings and then you can use them to motivate yourself to do what it is you need to do.

I can't tell you how helpful that is.

I have a tendency to ignore my own feelings anyway, in deference to everyone else's. It's become apparent to me though that I have to deal with them because the ones I want to get past will just resurface, along with a sense of guilt for having them, if I don't face them and work through them.

I have a hard time remembering what I deserve or need, but most of the time nothing I do to help my husband actually helps. I do need to focus on my own needs, especially right now when he is neither desirous or capable of looking after them.

Thank you.