How Do I Tell My Best Female Friend...

[John25]

I have had this girl friend for years now and we are best friends, we are not a true couple (like engaged), but it is going on for almost seven years now, this is a big deal for me since we both know that there is more between us then we say, I mean we go out together, do stuff together, hold hands and things, kiss, nothing more cause we are both shy and conservative, old style, like it should be, but the thing is since I have ptsd and we aren't like, engaged and things( I have a problem with intimacy cause my dad was like the city of Sodom, so to speak, don't wanna go into it and we both know this) I can't tell her that I need her know that my mum is sick and my sister on drugs, with my dad gone...

She's into education too much(she already finished college) , in a different city, though not far away(80 miles), but still, don't know how to deal with that, I just can't cope without her...
I don't want to boast but I have an I.Q. measured from 147 to 160 and my dad had around 180, have absolute pitch in music and can compose music in a whim and can reproduce music when I hear it, so I don't care about education, I am emotionally immature like a kid(I have three diagnosis borderline, ptsd, and prone to take drugs, smoke weed) and I need somebody to be with me.

We would have already been engaged I think if she wasn't away in the big city so much, and I miss her know more then ever, and to be with her only once a month(or a few if I go there) in person is not good enough for me...
How can I tell her that I resent here very much that she has took getting a Phd over me when I need her the most...She could have paused for a semester so we could, you know... When she started college I started learning theoretical physics to keep up with her in math and training on Lumosity to keep my mind sharp(I'm in the top 00.01 percent know) and I have helped here through that, but now I need help myself....

 

[madmax]

Try Khan Academy partially funded by Bill Gates. Knowledge is power etc...Using intelligence as a weapon does not reap positive results.

 

[Nicolette]

If you want to have a relationship with anyone and if they are your best friend, a fundamental requirement is the ability to communicate honestly. Being as highly intellectual as you state means nothing in a relationship if you are unable to express your 'needs' as well as her reciprocating. It is only then you can decide if you are on common ground. For me it comes back to - you can't fix something if you don't know it is broken. Does this girl have any idea of what you are sharing with us?

We would have already been engaged I think if she wasn't away in the big city so much

In my opinion you either have to discuss this with her and I wonder if her pausing for a semester would change anything long term if her intentions would be to then go on and continue studying.

The choice is yours to make - tell her, listen to her and decide what is right for you. In one breath you are saying she is everything to you but in another she is 'not good enough' for your needs. Good luck in working it out.

 

[nursenurse]

If you resent her because of her education, then you need a different education, my friend, and I don't wish to sound mean. IQ means nothing.

However, if you truly love her, truly need her, then just be honest and tell her. If you tell her you resent her because of her wanting a higher education, then you will lose her. If she changes her path because of your resentment, then she will resent you over the long run. Then where will you be?

Your self diagnosis rings true - that you are emotionally immature. You also admit to some very difficult problems/disorders. Are you in any kind of therapy for these things? A good therapist could help you reach your best non-IQ potential, and that to me would be more of a quality indicator of how successful your relationship with this girl could be. You are worthy and capable of love, but you have some work to do. Don't saddle her with your resentment. True love would take joy and pride in her accomplishments.

Work with someone on why you are resentful, methinks it might be more than just her leaving you and going to school, but that is just my opinion. However, in any dealings with her, honesty, honesty, and more honesty. She and you deserve nothing less, especially after your years together. I like MadMax's line about using intelligence as a weapon. Just don't do it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well... There are up to 9 types of intelligence (depending on who you ask). So you may have a high IQ, but it's apparent that you don't fare so well with the other type(s) of intelligence.

You seem to be jealous and resentful. Why should she put her life on hold for you, someone who is just a friend. I say just a friend because feelings aside, you're not with her, so yes, she's just a friend.

What are you waiting for? Relationships don't just happen. They take effort and since you're not making a move, you can't expect more. You both may be conservative, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want you to take some initiative. And right now, you aren't.

Why aren't you out there living your life? Yes you may have PTSD, but don't make your friend feel bad for going after her dreams.

I get the feeling that you want her to fix you. She can't. Work on yourself, in my honest opinion you're not ready for a relationship. You should address your feelings of resent and learn to be happy with yourself first. You say that education isn't important, but your post indicates your feelings of inadequacy. If you expect her to put her life on hold for you and forego her education, she WILL eventually resent you.

 

[jmni]

You should take her aside and tell her how you feel, ask if she feels the same and ask if she would like to be in a relationship with you. But if I were in your position I would let go of expectations. You can not mind read her thoughts. She might not feel the same as you do and might not want to enter a relationship with you and could say no. So in a nutshell just anticipate that she might not feel the same and could deny you.

 

[MoodElevator]

I agree with the above statements. Be honest with her about your feelings and do it in a positive way. I think that relationship experience is intregal to self discovery personally, although I imagine many here would disagree. A healthy relationship is supposed to be about enhancing one another rather than simply 'giving and recieving'.

"A love relationship is impossible when based on demand, subtle or obvious. Such pseudo love is merely a bargain: "You be "nice" to me and I'll be "nice " to you, but, if you cease to please me, I'll go away."