Feeling Like Body "fits" Wrong - Dissociation?

[Mayday]

Yesterday I was upset by something that happened, I don't know if triggered is the right word to use, anyway...on my way home I noticed that my body felt like it was too big for me, I don't mean overweight, but like I was too big, clunky, clumsy, kind of like a kid would feel if they were in an adult body maybe...and when I looked at my hands they seemed too big.

I got home and tried to ground myself, sometimes when I am upset or in a weird mood like that I make myself sleep and then when I wake up I feel better. I didn't really that time, but then went outside in the backyard with bare feet and spent some time with my pets, and that seemed to help, and I felt like I could think a bit clearer and was back to me.

Not the first time it's happened, but I guess the first time I was aware of it maybe being a dissociation type thing and I tried to notice how I felt etc...I was still me in my head, but emotionally seemed to not be me. Having trouble explaining it, my concentration is hopeless and hard to explain myself.

Is this kind of thing dissociation or what would this called?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mayday,

Yes I think it's dissociation and would fit into a combination of depersonalisation and derealisation. I have a lot of this type of experience and always have from what I can remember (I don't have much memory). The important thing is to try not be too distressed by it as that tends to heighten anxiety which fuels dissociation. I hope you feel more grounded soon!

 

[Springer80]

Hi Mayday,

Your not weird!!! At least not in terms of the present company! I've had this too. What I've speculated about my own experience is a mish-mash of emotional personality interference and some distortion in the mapping of the sensory/motor homunculus. How our brain maps the body is not proportional and I think how we relate to our body under extreme and sustained trauma causes depersonalization, which is a level of dissociation which is not only neurological but physiological.

I too used to sleep a lot. Still do sometimes. I know it feels weird but I just tried to trust that my body is gently directing me back to the order it needs to be in. Sounds like you deal with it well. The only thing I'd say is are you nutritionally fit? Getting checked for deficiencies may help, iron, vit D etc.....the way ptsd can affect your diet/behaviour (sleeping lots for instance :sleep:) can effect your physical health over time, some of which put more undue pressure on muscles and bones.

Take Care...:hug:

 

[Mayday]

and always have from what I can remember (I don't have much memory).

I don't have much memory either, I think it helped me this time that I could understand it being a type of dissociation so I tried not to get too distressed over it

are you nutritionally fit?

Nope, definitely not nutritionally fit, but that's another story...too overwhelming at the present time to be able to do that

I too used to sleep a lot. Still do sometimes. I know it feels weird but I just tried to trust that my body is gently directing me back to the order it needs to be in.

I sometimes think of sleep as like a 'reset button' where I can go to sleep in a distressed mood and wake up feeling better. This only seems to work for me if it's a nap outside of "regular" sleep hours, if it's time when I should be sleeping then I can have trouble going to sleep.

 

[JustBe]

Yup! My most restful sleep is a short nap in the oversized armchair in front of the fire. ;)

 

[Abstract]

which is a level of dissociation which is not only neurological but physiological.

Mayday I hope you dont mind me asking, but Springer, I think I understand but would you mind saying more? Thanks.

I think it helped me this time

Information can be very helpful Mayday. I am glad it helped you. I think the hand size distortion actually comes under derealisation if I am not mistaken but really they are similar. The few of the others I have a lot are: feeling like I am "driving" my body from a small area behind my eyes. That I am sitting there and my body is a separate thing. Or my hands and legs don't belong to me. Sometimes I drop things because it seems like I can't be holding them. And the other one is not being able to feel my body or what it is doing. For instance walking and not being able to feel the ground.

I agree with Springer and it is normal in a sense! ;)

I am sorry you too have little memory.

 

[Springer80]

I had an instance were I was walking to the shop and it felt like my legs were making the decision!

Mayday I hope you dont mind me asking, but Springer, I think I understand but would you mind saying more? Thanks.

I suppose what I mean is that dissociative triggers, set off a flooding of the brain with hormonal imbalances that by default temporarily affect a persons relationship to their perceptions/senses. Obviously this neurological storm causes enough neurological disruption as to make a persons ability to traverse their environment well.

Depersonalization is a 'wounded' interpretation of self mapped at a neuro-physiological level which effects the the 'program' by which we interpret bodies relationship to the sense of touch.

By the way, that's the first time I've written down what is in effect an intuitive definition of the difference for me.

 

[Mayday]

I am "driving" my body from a small area behind my eyes. That I am sitting there and my body is a separate thing. Or my hands and legs don't belong to me. Sometimes I drop things because it seems like I can't be holding them. And the other one is not being able to feel my body or what it is doing

I can relate to these examples a lot. Especially the dropping things, it's like I just "forget" that I'm holding something, and I get a lot more clumsy, like I'm not quite coordinated with my body.

Springer, thanks for the extra info. I think I get it about the dissociation triggers setting off stuff happening in the brain, bit like fight or flight responses.

I don't understand about depersonalization, not sure what that is really and lately my brain has not been able to figure things out very well...even typing out responses on here is a real struggle to find the words/phrasing to say what I mean

 

[Hashi]

Thanks for this thread, Mayday. It's an interesting topic.

walking and not being able to feel the ground.

I experience this. It never occurred to me before reading it here that it's not normal!

I get lots of the other things people are talking about too. Something I often do which is annoying is that when I no longer need something I've been holding I let go of it in mid air so it falls on the floor, because there's some missed connection to needing to put it down on a surface. I feel an odd mixture of not having learnt to do that yet (like a young child) and having known it before but not enough to remember it.

Sometimes I catch sight of part of my body, like I look down and see my hand or leg, and I'm startled that it's there and part of me. Then I might start feeling that my arms and legs are too long, they're extending too far away from me.

My therapist recently asked me to put my hand on my centre/centre of gravity and I put my hand on my throat. I honestly felt it was there. Since then I've been practising thinking of my solar plexus as my centre and focussing on bringing myself back to it. I do this especially when I'm starting to dissociate, and it's helping me to be more grounded and present in my body.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mayday,

The one thing I have realised about this stuff is that it feels almost impossible to explain or put into words. So maybe be patient with yourself. What helped me a lot when I started figuring it out was to hear others describe their experiences. This might help:[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/dissociation-explained.13879/[/DLMURL]

I was beside myself looking for answers and searching the web! :rolleyes: And actually thats how I found this site.

lot more clumsy

I looked for ages for information about "clumsiness"! :laugh: I could not put it into words and where I was speaking about it (not on PTSD forum) I may as well have been speaking greek. Ironically what started the realisation is that for the first time in my life it had improved (I think). It was the intermittent lack of these things that made me ask questions. I thought it was just part of being "me". In other words vague, stupid, clumsy and any number of other things I have been called.

depersonalization

Think of it as any form of distancing from yourself or self. So not being in your body properly or in your head. Feeling as if you don't belong to yourself etc...

The other thing to be aware of is dissociative trance where you almost feel like you have been hypnotised or are only partly aware of things around you.

Hashi,
I would have given my left arm to have this conversation as few years ago! The environment I was discussing it in was not really conducive and responses where such that often made it obvious that people were not getting it at all.

before reading it here that it's not normal!

I understand as I have not been aware of it very long either! This is one I do a lot. Often I feel I am almost beside myself at the same time. Not fully but just a shift to the side. Not talking about fully being out as that is something different. I also often get the whole derealisation abstract type effect in the environment around me at the same time.

I let go of it in mid air so it falls on the floor, because there's some missed connection to needing to put it down on a surface

I was trying to explain this exact thing a while back. For me I worked out eventually that it just didnt seem relevant as my hands were so not a part of me and the item and surrounds did not really feel that real. The only semi real part was me sitting in my head.

The worst cases of this (or possibly its something different) have been a few times where my legs have just stopped worked without me realising and I have fallen like a felled tree. And because I didn't realise that I was not walking or running I would not protect myself as one would normally do. One time I fell backwards on my bottom and dislocated my coccyx. I just did nothing to try to cushion the fall. I used to have a lot of mouth symptoms but these have improved. I try to speak and my mouth doesnt move or other times my mouth moves and I expect to make speech and nothing comes out. My vocal cords dont work.

I'm startled

I get that one too. What is that?! (the leg).

put my hand on my throat

This is very interesting. My throat comes up a lot with various things and I have felt it is deeply symbolic for me. Its possible this might be relevant. I relate to feeling that my body stops just underneath.

 

[Hashi]

I would have given my left arm to have this conversation as few years ago!

Well, you're already detached from it, so... :p

I think it was in Oliver Sacks' book Music and the Mind (Musicophilia) that I read about the condition where people can't actually accept that a limb belongs to them. I didn't like the book at all but I was struck by that part, which talked about patients repeatedly falling out of bed because they were trying to throw out a leg that "wasn't theirs" and then they went on the floor with it. There was an upsetting story of someone who kept accusing the nursing staff of putting someone else's arm or leg in the bed with him, but it was his own. I found it distressing, partly because I worry I might start to feel like that myself.

My throat comes up a lot with various things and I have felt it is deeply symbolic for me.

I don't know if you have any interest in chakras. I'm a bit wary of them, but I do relate to their symbolism. The throat, for example, representing speaking up/speaking out, will, truth, choice, and congruence between the head and the heart. But that's another topic.

For me the throat as my centre also means simply that I tend to disconnect from most of my body and live in my head and shoulders.

 

[Springer80]

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