Obsessive Thoughts

[EvenStrongerNow]

This anxiety is paralyzing.

When I see people like alcoholics in recovery, I envy them. Not because they have a disease and have to treat their addiction, but because they have found a label that fits, they found a place to fit in, and they KNOW when they think, act, or feel like A, B, or C, all they have to do is follow a list of steps to treat their disease.

Well, I want that. I want to feel like I have a label and know what to do about it. I want to feel like I fit in somewhere, like I belong on this planet. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm going to fail daily emotionally. I'm sick of feeling like I'm frozen in time emotionally, like I'm trapped inside of myself, or like I'm stuck somewhere in space. Just floating.

I reach for a sense of normalcy. I finally get my hands on it! And then, just like that, I can't sustain it anymore. Then, I'm alone again. All alone, sitting in my thoughts thinking obsessively. Thinking about all the what ifs, like:

1. What if I'm really insane?
2. What if so and so really does intend to hurt me?
3. What if everyone leaves me?
4. What if I lose everything?
5. What if I just suck at life?

The list could go on. I can't believe I'm typing this. I can't believe this is my story today. It wasn't always like this. I'm okay with following rules. I'm okay with admitting that it's something I'm doing to cause this if that's the case. I'm okay if I'm told that I'm not taking responsibility or something, but then I need to know how to change my behavior.

I just need someone to make sense of it for me because I drive myself crazy thinking about it. I get overwhelmed and then I do nothing....

If someone said, "Jami, from now on, don't think about anything but positive things. Anything negative, you distract yourself and only follow these steps, etc. And all of this will fix itself in one year, one month," or whatever, I would totally do it.

But I'm tired of trying all kinds of ways that don't seem to sustain me emotionally. Ugh! Ugh!

Maybe I have Aspergers syndrome or something.....or maybe ....I don't know. I just want to fit in somewhere so I can have a routine in life that maintains whatever it is that I'm experiencing.....

Why do I have to be so hyper aware of everything?

Can somebody just give me an answer????? I want to be labeled. I want to be labeled so I can feel like I can do something about it TANGIBLY. My mind will not shut off!

It's not fair. It's not fair that I have to do all of this work because someone else's actions created this sickness in me. It's not fair that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, but the therapy I've been doing for 2 years isn't getting me anywhere. But I didn't want to leave and go anywhere else because I always question myself and my judgment. I always tell myself that I don't know what I'm talking about; that other people know what's best. Because I suck, so surely, someone else knows better.

I can't take the anxiety sometimes. I'll be okay tomorrow. This too shall pass. I just needed to get it out. Sometimes I just want to give up on myself. Not like suicide, but detaching and never coming back . . .

 

[xena21]

I just want to let you know I hear you, and can relate, but I don't understand it either. I am searching as well. I would love to know the answer to your questions. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your struggle.

 

[Rumors]

Just a question, but are you currently on any medication for anxiety, compulsion, depression? I am not saying that in a negative way but instead to let you know that although I had a different set of internal questions, I had similar anxieties when dealing with a compulsive thought. I was able to take some medicine, and a very small dose too, that kept me from stepping on to the perpetual wheel so to speak. I was able to overcome the compulsive thoughts and rationalize my feelings better.

If you are on a medication, perhaps you could call your doctor and chat with them about options??? I am not a pill person so the very fact I took a pill to make me feel better was somewhat of a compulsive thought within itself. Once I did and felt the benefit, I was ok with it at that point. I had a very conservative doctor though that started out with a small dose which ended up being all I needed.

Good luck! I hope you are able to find some answers! It is tormenting!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Rumors. My husband and I discussed getting me in to see a psychiatrist over lunch today.

I have compulsive thoughts about taking medication too. I experience a "perpetual wheel" for why I should and why I shouldn't. What a great description you gave. Perpetual wheel, perpetual wheel.

I'm not on any medication, no. I'm currently looking into it. It seems like all of the Psychiatrists charge like $400 for an eval out here in Los Angeles. I can pay it, but them wanting you to come in consistently could be really pricey in the long run.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I guess I'm afraid to be misdiagnosed. I'm afraid to be put on medication that screws up my brain. I'm worried that it will change something within me and then I'll never be able to get it back again.

I'm worried that it will reinforce my belief that I'm crazy and that others will think so too. I'm afraid that the Psych will confirm my beliefs that I'm psychotic by diagnosing me with the labels that I fear the most :(

I'm worried about the "what if" of, What if I could've fixed this myself? Now I'll never know....

You're right. It is tormenting. Good grief! Thanks for reading my mess.

 

[Rumors]

You are on the wheel!! Once you realize there is no definitive answer to anything in life and set your mind to finding someone who can help you make peace with that, you have made your first step towards getting off the wheel.

Maybe you can ask around to your friends about references for someone who is a conservative psych doc. They do exist and I think you could find one with the right kind of help.

The hardest part for me was to come to the realization that I can't fix everything and that includes myself sometimes. I was obsessed with being in control of my life so much that it kept me from making healthy choices for myself. Once you see that, you start changing your positions on what is most important. It takes a lot of faith bc it doesn't come naturally. It is like you are shadow boxing yourself all the time and no one wins!!! Step out of the ring!!! You have got this! Don't let your irrational mind ruin all the good things you deserve!!!

Best wishes! Hang in there!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You aren't alone. I hear you loud and clear. And I'm right there with you. Day after day spinning in the same circles with the same fears and the same reactions and the same patterns and going on and on like it's a ride I can't get off.

Half of what you said could have been pulled from my own thoughts. The giving up. I feel that and think that so often. And no not to die. I SO hear you. To just make it stop once and for all. I wish I had the answers and the remedies for you but I don't.

What I do have for you is the information that you're not alone in feeling like this. Choking on the frustration and feeling desperate and overwhelmed. Yes you're right it will pass. But in THE moment it sucks so much. But for me somehow it helps to know that it will pass. Maybe in the next moment. What I try to do is not fall into that hole. I know it will swallow me up. I can hear and feel it calling to me. And I know that the minute I listen for even a second those intrusive thoughts will take over.

Try to keep your chin up. Try to remember whatever coping mechanisms you have that work for you. And don't forget you're not alone in what you feel. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[LhasaLover]

I am currently very tired of the obsessive worry and thoughts of doubt that come along with PTSD. I've been working on it, but there are no easy answers! Call it a night and hope tomorrow I am filled with renewed hope. xx.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks for all of your posts. You seriously helped me feel less crazy. I ended up having a, what I think was an emotional breakdown, last night. I don't know what it was that set me off. I was just talking to my husband about seeing a Psychiatrist. He said something like, "You must have a chemical imbalance because Psychotherapy isn't helping you. Therapy shouldn't be causing a chronic emotional upheaval like this." I replied, "Please don't tell me I have a chemical imbalance if you aren't a doctor. And yes, therapy most certainly does bring up a lot of emotional things. I have PTSD. It's a chronic condition."

Well, I don't know what happened, but after that, I was in a rage. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and slamming doors. I didn't see anything. I didn't see my husband at all.

It was so overwhelming, the argument, I mean that at some point, I started feeling detached from myself, unreal, etc. I couldn't take it. I just could not cope. I started crying uncontrollably. I could not stop crying. I mean, I fell into the fetal position.

I probably could've gotten up and stopped it, I don't know, but it seemed safer to stay in it. It seemed safer than raging. I was crying like a little baby. The agony I felt was so great. At one point, I started crying out for "Mommy". It was awful.

I'm a 28 year old married woman, have never experienced this before, and I was just so embarrassed. I felt ugly. I felt so alone. I really wanted to die right there in that moment. I would never kill myself, but I wanted to die. My mind just couldn't take anymore. I realized how immature it was and how much it was scaring my husband, but I just, it was really all that I could do in that moment.

I have not been treated for PTSD at all aside from talk therapy and I don't know any coping strategies. I am going to try and get an appointment to see someone. I'm not going to take the will power route any longer. I really just need someone that I can hand all this crap to, for them to take the reigns, and help me figure it out. I'm trying SO hard not to over think this process, but I'm so scared to go through this.

I just want me back. I just want my relationship with my husband back.

 

[The Albatross]

At times I have to refute the worry. I send myself messages, like "I am paralyzed", I am "at the breaking point"... but I have come to recognize them as times I need reassurance, validation or have to push hard back to get to balance. Glad you're doing better.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Iam going to try and get an appointment to see someone. I'm not going to take the will power route any longer. I really just need someone that I can hand all this crap to, for them to take the reigns, and help me figure it out.

Moments like the one you're describing are awful and so overwhelming. I've found myself curled up crying thinking that nothing but death could ever make the feelings go away. It makes me want to go numb again. Also I wanted to tell you that I'm a divorced mother in my early 40s and I've had PTSD for decades. I started therapy this past November and when I did I told my therapist I was giving her the reigns to the crazy train. I told her I couldn't and didn't want to try to manage it on my own anymore. And that's when she told me I can't handle PTSD alone anyway. She told me PTSD left untreated does nothing but get worse.

 

[The Albatross]

I actually don't disagree with the left untreated part. But have self studied independent of rounds of therapy up to two years to get where I am now. With a contentious decision that I remake on a sometimes daily basis and some desperation I have been able to get farther than I have ever been before.