General Set Him Off... Again...

[awayhome06]

How do you deal with it when something you say or do angers your sufferer?

I have never done anything to hurt mine, have put up with more than I should to try and help him and yet my motivations are questioned and even assumed to be vindictive whenever he doesn't agree with what I do, or it doesn't fit with his image of me, or heaven forbid, I unintentionally cause him pain.

I don't know how to, or even if I should try to, explain what I was really trying to do. I don't think it would change that it made him furious, or how he reacted in that anger.

I can't go about trying to remove every possible scenario that might set him off, I can't become who he thinks I should to keep him away from the edge, it wouldn't work if I tried. Being insensitive to his problems isn't the answer either, though.

I really can't affect his perception of me at all, no matter what I do.

 

[Lady_A]

Hi awayhome06, that was my situation, it was always my fault, according to him, but it was not, I went on for 4 years, and couldn't take it anymore, so I left. I am not saying that would be a solution for you, but I understand how you feel.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Hi awayhome06.

Couple of points:
1. You do not 'set him off'. His fuse was alight long before you showed up.
2. It is a fine line between being supportive, and being an enabler.
3. You are 100% correct no matter what you do you cannot change his perceptions - of you, of anything you do or do not say or do, or of anything else for that matter.

Once the anger begins to manifest itself, it is already too late.

Take a step back. Remove yourself from the immediate vicinity until he has calmed down (this includes passive aggression that doesn't look as dramatic but is just as abusive) and is prepared to treat ou properly.

It may be time that you seek support an dhelp for YOU instead of him and I think you have just taken that first step by joining this forum.

There must be others like Lady A out there who can help? I am a sufferer and therefore from "The Dark Side" so am probably not the best source of help..

 

[surviving_it_all]

I am a sufferer as well. I have seen the pain and confusion that I have caused in others by my actions. It's hard to distinguish when you are enabling and when you are supporting. Maybe, you should think of seeing someone who can provide therapy for both of you. I have let this disorder hurt myself and every relationship in my life. I regret that. He may avoid that regretful after-the-fact feeling I have if he knew how serious the damage he does to you is. I think getting the support you need is the best idea.

 

[dayglo]

Sounds very much like my situation... Always walking on eggshells. In the times between the episodes, I'm trying to talk with my wife and set boundaries. But sometimes even discussing the topic is a "trigger". Good luck, you are not alone.

 

[awayhome06]

Thank you everyone.

I am a sufferer and therefore from "The Dark Side" so am probably not the best source of help..

I have found the sufferer perspective extremely helpful because he can't, or won't try to help me understand what he's going through.

I think that getting myself help has been the best advice throughout our struggle.

It's hard to distinguish when you are enabling and when you are supporting.

It certainly is! I have enabled him plenty over the years, and am now looking desperately for the other side of that line.

I have decided to take a step back for a while to think about it without the constant interaction and change of perspective and crisis.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Very wise approach and I wish you all the best with it. :)

 

[dayglo]

It's hard to distinguish when you are enabling and when you are supporting.

Wow. That belongs in a thread all by itself. I'm beginning to see that my supporting slowly but surely became enabling.

 

[Nicolette]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-we-choose-not-to-see.10797/#post-152942[/DLMURL]

 

[neiljohnson]

I have heard it from a lot of women that thir husband are reaching anger within a short time. I think it is a global problem.But I think an open discussion could be effective.

 

[HelloMo80]

Agreed. There's nothing you can do to change his mind. What you have to do is be the person you know you are. The more you try to fit into that rigid box by being perfect, the more you'll get further away from the essence of who you are. The pedestal praise and tear down seem to come with the territory for some who deal with PTSD. I dealt with it. I ended up leaving as well.

The one thing I can say looking back is that you need to make sure you take care of you and don't internalize. I was as untrustworthy as the day is long from the word go...and I hadn't even done anything. Once I did anything he thought was wrong, I was torn to shreds over it--verbally, (we never had a physically violent relationship). It took a while for me to realize that his issues are HIS ISSUES. You can do but so much. It's a cycle, unfortunately. If you plan on staying, I suggest you get some hobbies, a therapist, and some perspective on how to maintain your sanity when dealing with the weight of this stress.

Good luck.

 

[nursenurse]

How long have you been together? Married? Kids? I was married to a non PTSD guy for 21 years, and that kind of treatment you are describing is very wearing and was the cause of our demise. He didn't want to help himself, I couldn't do it for him. And that was that. Me doing things for myself never brought back the good times that we used to have. It made me feel less vulnerable, but we had a shell of a marriage. So I opted out, continued building myself and my life. And am now involved with a sufferer, lol.

What I am saying is, if he is willing to try to help himself, get some counseling, then yes, by all means, try sticking it out. But it's the trying that's the sticking point. That's the difference with the sufferers here, by being here, they are trying to understand themselves, and trying to help themselves. Any relationship with whatever disease or disability out there is a two way street, and by this I mean there has to be some give and take and understanding. You are on a complete one way street with a possible dead end ahead, if he doesn't acknowledge his part in the problems. Do not take responsibility for his anger, for his blame, for his issues, for his self hatred. You will drown if you do. The eternal Ann Landers question - Are you better off with him or without him? And plan accordingly. Good luck.