When Trauma Blends Into Sexual Connotations

[Pizev]

I have an ex whom I broke up with about 6 years ago.

Relationship started out normally, but after I moved in with him, I discovered between 500Gb - 1Tb of child porn and bestiality on his computer.

He busted me finding it, and so to avoid a blow up he pressured me into watching it with him while he got off on it.

I went to the police, but to cover my tracks they told me to act normal, and so for about 6 weeks I was forced to watch all sorts of f*cked up material with him, and pretend to like it while the police got themselves together.

Now, 6-7 years later, I find that I can't get those images out of my head, and they play sick fantasies in my head that I can't rid of, no matter how hard I try, and I keep getting drawn towards it.

I try to avoid connotations of it in porn, or erotic literature, but I keep getting pulled towards it, and can't get it out of my head.

I also can't stop thinking about bondage/BDSM when I'm exposed to things of a sexual nature, but as soon as I let it blend into reality, it becomes a massive triggering mess, and the other half is so confused they don't know what to do.

I feel so ashamed about it, but I don't know what to do about it, and I'm too ashamed to even think about speaking to my psych about it.

Does anyone know what I mean here, I feel so alone and ashamed by this, I just want to crawl under the rug.

 

[Siki]

I also had an ex who viewed child pornography on a regular basis and I unfortunately was exposed to it. I don't have thoughts about it, but I can understand how violating that subject matter can be, especially when you're forced to expose yourself to it over and over again. I would encourage you to bring up these intrusive thoughts to your psych, explain how traumatizing and upsetting they are so they can properly understand that you aren't enjoying this, you're horrified by it. They might have a game plan you can try.

 

[Igogi]

I also had an ex who viewed child pornography on a regular basis and I unfortunately was exposed to it.

That is seriously messed up. They should have been reported immediately IMHO, then punished.

 

[Usimi]

They were. Unfortunately there was violence in the home and in the process of the protection order, they did not seize his computer and he 'sold' it to a computer friend of his for parts the next day. I turned over my lap top but they had no sure way to guarantee he had looked at it. He was later investigated for improper conduct with a minor at his job and managed to get out of that one too. The law fails people all the time. It is not a sure fire way to catch bad guys.

 

[Ijon]

I have no words for any of this. It is all so stupid and crazy that he got away with that. I am so sorry that you have to think about all that...nightmarish.

The law fails people all the time

Oh yes. I am so sorry it failed you here. :(

 

[Pizev]

Well as a result of the police acting on my ex, only got 3 months jail.

I was shattered.

I would encourage you to bring up these intrusive thoughts to your psych, explain how traumatizing and upsetting they are so they can properly understand that you aren't enjoying this, you're horrified by it.

Truth be told, it's bloody embarrassing, and awful and f*cked and horrible and, and, and.......

It's so horrible for me because the thoughts keep occurring and yet when they do occur they are traumatizing.

f*ck I hate the shit in my head.

 

[Usimi]

That is your first clue that its not something that's wrong with you per say, but instead a way of reliving your trauma. Your T will likely know the term for this, I do not I'm sorry. But I do know it happens. The same way people who have been assaulted subconsciously seek out people who have the same traits as their abusers. I can't imagine how much torment this must be causing, but I really do think if you talked about it with a professional you'd feel better and they might be able to help you. I wish I had better answers because I am sure it is humiliating for you either way, but you do deserve to be free of it and feel better.

 

[Hadal]

Talking about it is the way to be free of it. Shame is caused by fear, you are afraid that people will be disgusted by the unbidden thoughts that come to mind. Face the fear in a safe place. Here. And in therapy.

These sound like typical intrucive thoughts that I experiencebecause of PTSD. I dismiss them by reminding myself that it is just PTSD trying to derail me again. I think of them like the hallucinated friends that John Nash trains himself to ignore in the movie A Beautiful Mind.

I encourage you to talk to your therapist about them. Bring them into the light so you can see them for what they are.

I'm so sorry that you went through so much to put this guy behind bars and he only got 3 months. I'm really proud of your efforts, though. Thank you so much for getting it on record that he's a pervert. It may be the paper trail needed to help a victim put him away someday. .. if it comes to that.

 

[Pizev]

That is your first clue that its not something that's wrong with you per say, but instead a way of reliving your trauma.

Huh. Never thought about that before.
Thanks.

Bring them into the light so you can see them for what they are.

I might actually think about it, thank you for your support.