My Therapist Totally Just Traumatized Me

[Leah123]

I was really upset this morning, panic attacks, anxiety, dealing with some old, deep memories, and I contacted my therapist. We had a pretty good conversation for about an hour, she was helping me, I was feeling heard and a little better, and then she said the absolute worst thing I can possibly imagine. I'm so freaked out, omg, I've been trying for two hours now to calm down.

She told me my father was in bed with my husband and I. She said that based on a statement I made about how I was very careful to keep some mental distance between sex and abuse. They're very different, and it took me time to develop the strong relationship I have with my husband, to enjoy 'being married' without getting triggered much and to be comfortable with him. It's definitely something I consider one of my greatest strengths, to feel safe and strong with my husband.

I'm so upset by the sentence she said, and by how I feel my mental space between sex and abuse is gone now, that I do not believe I can explain to anyone exactly how deeply upsetting that is to me, and why, or to express all the issues I have with that. It's very big, it's very intense, I can hardly deal with it.

I'm so mad at her, been writing her a letter, but I can't fix it, I can't fix what she did, I can't fix what she said, or make it go away right now. I don't know what to do, I'm so mad at her. I think, in her heart, she had good intentions. She must have. But.... I don't know... I can't imagine how she could have been more insensitive, given everything I've told her, and how upset and sensitive she knew I was at the time. :bawling: I feel very sick right now.

Can anyone help?

 

[Pencil]

The fact that you are SO upset means there is something there. I never went through sexual abuse, thank God, and so I can not, now matter how I read the statement, how much I read it, even begin to imagine your emotions.This means one of two things - either that this is something you have to work through, with her, OR, that she is not the right therapist for you.

Which one do you think it could be?

I think Abstract is going to respond to you, and she is a far more sober and responsible person than I. So, until such time that she does, I'm just here keeping you busy ....

 

[Abstract]

Oh my goodness Leah! I am so sorry. I totally understand what you are saying.

I can totally see that she had good intentions and did not mean it to have this affect but really that doesn't change how you are feeling.

All I can say is that when something seems irreparable I have found that with time it surprising me how much things can settle.

I feel very sick right now.

I can understand why.

Sorry I don't have any answers. If it was me I would presently just work on acceptance and self care at present. Sending you support.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Geez Leah, I'm so sorry :( I guess she didn't really mean to set you off, either, but when people don't have PTSD they just say things without suspecting what it might do to you or somebody else. I don't have a history of sexual abuse but I do frequently have very bad intrusive thoughts and I can imagine how hard it must've been to acquire that separation in your head.

It has been a really long while I experienced a situation like this so I'm not sure what to write, except to send you a long distance hug, you know this will pass, the anxiety won't last for ever. Maybe you could either try to do something really active (like running a bit -it's night here in the Netherlands but maybe not where you are) or listen to music to distract yourself from the thunderstorm in your head a bit. Or rage at something or yell in a pillow.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks, Pencil, it so helps even to just see the "likes" when I posted my comments. See, she said that having to keep that mental space between them was draining energy- I'm sure she was trying to help me see that if I worked through it, which is NOT fun, and I don't WANT to always deal with it, that I'd get the energy back, and enjoy him more.

But, listen, it's VERY hard for me to talk about the abuse, harder to deal with remembering it. She knows this about me, she knows I need to take it in very small steps, I think I've made that crystal clear to her. So, for her to just.... like crash through the mental walls that are SO important to my peace of mind- I mean, I may not have much peace of mind, but I have some, and I earned it- it really hurts. She got me with my guard down, said such a concrete thing, it's in my head now, that picture. :( I don't know about getting it out. I feel.... terrible.

 

[Abstract]

far more sober

Not true at all Pencil. Just saw your response now.

 

[Leah123]

"or listen to music to distract yourself from the thunderstorm in your head a bit." Yes, that's just how I feel!


Thank you Abstract, thank you Radise. Yes, Radise, I mean... I know I'm sensitive and I know I get triggered, but why didn't she think more. :( I mean.... seems to me... she was SO blunt, and... she should know me better. Why be so mean and harsh- that's how I feel. Like she was careless, and trying to like... make me 'face reality' like 'tough love' or something terrible that I don't want, and I'm not ready for today.

I think you're right, about things settling Abstract- I hope with time it will... I can't stop crying, and my family's home so I have to keep finding ways to deal and hide it. It's too hard to explain sometimes. I feel like, she and I had a couple missteps and it's AWFULLY hard to trust her again, and keep feeling like I'm making progress. I kinda feel like the good hour we had, is like lost- I hope that feeling passes. I really need some relief.

 

[Pencil]

I think what she said was a bit crass.

My ex therapist did something similar one day. I was extremely upset, and told her during the next session. She then said that she realized I had felt ambushed. I suspect you are finding that - that you got a curve ball out of left field, and it hit your head, bloody hard.

I think you need to yell at your therapist a bit.

 

[Leah123]

This is what my therapist emailed me after I left our chat, because I was so upset. I swear she's being preachy and presumptuous, she doesn't know anything yet really about my life w/my husband in that regard.

"All of the energy you expend during sex to keep your father out of your mind, greatly inhibits your emotional intimacy with XXXXXXX; emotional intimacy is the key to satisfying sex, particularly as we get older and hormones are no longer raging. Your reaction tells me that my hesitation was appropriate. Perhaps I should have not said so much. And we do not have to discuss this again until you are ready. I hope you are okay, XXXXXX"

Then she added:

"I am truly sorry that what I said upset you so, XXXX. I think that chatting with me further will simply upset you more right now. I am leaving the site for 2 or 3 hours. I encourage you to write me an e-mail and express you anger, curse at me, whatever you need to do. I will check back when I return. I do care about you, XXXXXXXX"

I feel like she's acting superior, like oh, sorry if you got upset. I'm so mad, definitely not seeing straight. I'm trying to be fair to her, but I am so upset.

 

[Abstract]

Not at all undermining how problematic this is for you Leah. Just trying to think of where she was coming from and why.

draining energy- I'm sure she was trying to help me see that if I worked through it, which is NOT fun, and I don't WANT to always deal with it, that I'd get the energy back, and enjoy him more.

Does she maybe feel you are still resistant to looking at the trauma and that she is concerned about your safety at present. Just thinking that she she may feel that it is essential for your wellbeing to get through the denial about how the trauma is impacting on your present life. That the only way to truly get it out of your relationships is to process it. Do you think that sounds like a possible motivation for her?

Sorry you're in this situation. I hear you about the picture.

PS. Just saw all the other replies! I am glad you contacted her and spoke about how you felt. I think I see her responses as attempting to both acknowledge how this has affected you whilst still explaining where she was coming from and attempting to save her relationship with you. Thinking of what may help you through this.

I hear you when you say she has not had enough information to make assumptions about your relationship with husband. I imagine what she is saying is about general dynamics in relationships rather than yours but very much sympathise with that feeling of not being heard or understood and how awful that feels. And that at I always at least want to feel like an individual even when certain principles apply to everyone.

Sorry this is so hard Leah. Maybe writing out your anger and letting things cool off a little isnt a bad idea actually

 

[Leah123]

I completely understand that the abuse is impacting my life in certain ways. I just thought she was going to be gentle with me, in my vulnerability, as I was in the middle of exposing my very painful issues to her. My husband and I have a very satisfying life together, and I'm trying to be very discreet on this topic, as I consider it both private and potentially offensive to people. But my point is that I told her clearly about how I had boundaries about this issue, and I really feel as if she handled it brutally. I was so open, and she took my very open mind and heart, and put that image in it. It's hard to explain, I'm sure I'm not justifying myself well, or explaining everything. :(

I have been the one in therapy, by the way, to push to deal with this issue. I have not shied away from it as much as her, she's been telling me to go slow. So, see, I don't think she should push me about denial or anything, because I'm trying so hard, and was already totally opening up to her again today, though it's SO hard.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe she is talking about her own sex life!!!