Recognising avoidance

[warathome]

So, is it avoidance, distraction or self-destructive behavior? It seems I am really good at all three. I do not want to talk about my past life or the traumas, when I do, I tend to feel things other than than my usual numbness. Then I do not know how to cope. It has been recently brought to my attention that I avoid immensely. I also do not have many friends. I think I am not friend material either. I have also been told in order to heal I need to work through things. Someone held my hand recently while I "felt" something other than my anger. It was a very vulnerable feeling. Self-destrcution will kill me I know, but it seems to do a good band-aid job.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The thing with friends is that as a kid, I followed the cool kids and was always the least cool (bullied at times, but I took it). In my early teens I moved house and didn't cope with the change well, but I had two lovely friends. In my later teens I was very sociable, went out lots, but I took drugs at that time.

Then by the time I was 19 and into my 20's my relationship had hit that stage where I had no friends of my own. Then I had a relationship where I worked and only ever went out with my partner, so I never made any friends of my own. Then I made friends on an internet group, one of whom tried to kill me, and then a mixture of lack of support and PTSD symptoms meant that those friendships caused so much distress, I never want to feel that way again.

So I really feel that I don't know what I'm doing in terms of friendships, and having spent so much time with myself, I can be quite happy alone.

But at the moment, I really don't have a single friend, which is extreme. And I do want that closeness at times. So yes, I am avoiding this issue, and it does effect my quality of life. And I probably do need help with this because it doesn't come naturally. But that makes me feel like such a failure, and it's not helpful to feel that way about myself.

 

[Mayday]

So I guess for me its a case of attempting to honestly and ruthlessly acknowledge the situation. Then working on developing acceptance, understanding and compassion for it for myself (very, very hard). Then looking at the whole picture and working towards change. But not avoiding the avoidance!

I think this is great stuff to be working on. I know I'm struggling not to avoid the avoidance too!

 

[Abstract]

I know its easier said than done but I don't think you should feel a failure. If you did not react as you have it would be odd.

I needed and need help to ensure that when I make connections I don't get into trouble again and so have decided I will do it with support of a therapist. I will also be really mindful and check things as I go along.

To me my having less friends is actually progress compared to what I did in the past. Which was get stuck in bad dynamics where I was at risk or upset and where I was not able to consider my needs.

 

[Abstract]

I'm struggling not to avoid the avoidance too!

Its awful isnt it Mayday?! Its so entrenched and pat of me for so long that it feels like cutting off a limb.

 

[Mayday]

Definitely Abstract. Especially when I recognise when I'm avoiding something, and then have to avoid dealing with the avoidance!

 

[Abstract]

Oh, avoiding the avoidance is a big one for me too! And then I get to a point where I can't tell what is true or not. Is it a cover up or not.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think this is the point I've been at in recent months Abstract. It is perhaps more like complete denial than avoidance then.

 

[Abstract]

Complete and total denial is something I know extremely well and battle constantly against.