Relationship The Double Standards And Blurred Lines Of Ptsd

[Nicolette]

I am sitting here struggling to resolve the expectations of us as Supporters and then the same situation when the shoe is on the other foot.

An example... if I want to talk about something with Anthony and he doesn't want to I get told to "stop" or "leave it alone" or even "shut up about it" and I have to accept and deal with that. If I don't heaven and hell can erupt and I end up with a PTSD isolation situation.

Why is it that they cannot see the expectations they have on us for their condition and cannot apply them the other way around? We were shopping and Anthony kept going on about my tendency to get bored with bed linen after I commented on a nice doona cover in a store window. I have some linen to sort through and he just wants me to throw it out or send it to charity calling me a hoarder for maybe 5 sets of spare linen. (I said I want to sort it out when I can find the missing pieces he packed in a box somewhere and now can't find.) In the shopping centre I asked him to stop and stop and in the end shut up but he kept at it so I then got upset. He then walked off and has been carrying on like I have now offended him and we're back on the PTSD bike.

Seriously, it's stuff like this that wants me to go lock myself up in the loony bin. :banghead:

There is such a blurred line between personality and PTSD and as I never knew Anthony without PTSD I don't know if he is just being an arse or it really is PTSD. :confused:

 

[JustBe]

I think basic courtesy should be a two way street regardless of PTSD.

 

[Eleanor]

I agree with Movin'On.

I don't know if he is just being an arse or it really is PTSD.

Could the answer here be; "yes, and yes."? Does it much matter? By which I mean is the specific behavior and situation one that is PTSD related (in which case it might be an opportunity to work through something that has just gotten uncovered) or is he just being a jerk (in which case it is an opportunity to uncover something and work through it.) Or maybe both.

I think five sets of linens is not excessive.

 

[Abstract]

There is such a blurred line between personality and PTSD

Nicolette,
Things are generally the opposite way around with my husband. In other words I am in a similar situation to you and I am the one with PTSD.

I think leaving something alone if:
* It relates to something triggering.
* Or if it is at a time when the person is triggered is relevant. If it is the latter I think it should be OK to discuss later. But when it comes to respecting when to stop with you then you have that right too. Maybe you both need to have a code word and you both get to use it.

There are also important conversations that need to be had no matter how unpleasant they are in relationships. They may need to be timed well with someone with PTSD but sometimes they need to happen for the relationship.

 

[Nicolette]

Does it much matter?

I tend to say this too Eleanor. The reason for throwing around the thoughts is that if it was PTSD I would tend to 'wait for the time to discuss' and if it's being an arse I would probably be more likely to draw the line immediately.

 

[Eleanor]

Maybe waiting isn't such a bad option in either case? I tend to be rather a bull in a china shop, so am working on biting my tongue in non-PTSD situations and addressing it when my fur has settled down a little. It seems to work better for me. Not that my track record is so good yet.

 

[Nicolette]

Maybe waiting isn't such a bad option in either case?

I do but it's embarrassing in a shopping centre... like a child throwing a tantrum and taking off. I just went and did my errands and messaged him when I was at the grocery store as he had to get things too. I paid him no attention when we got home as I was damned if I was going to be pulled down from crap that wasn't mine to own.

 

[Eleanor]

I have to admit I have training down to my BONE MARROW about not making scenes in public. I absolutely HATE the feeling of things going haywire in a public place. And the aftermath always echos a lot more than I'd like...

 

[Phenioxrising]

I'm sure you know that PTSD is a big stigma, and think of it more as what happened ..not a mental condition. All things have repercussions.

Do men really care about bed sheets?....not really. When it comes to food and hobies then he won't complain.

Next time shopping ..bribe him with his favourite dinner...usually works. LOL

 

[Bilby]

An example... if I want to talk about something with Anthony and he doesn't want to I get told to "stop" or "leave it alone" or even "shut up about it" and I have to accept and deal with that. If I don't heaven and hell can erupt and I end up with a PTSD isolation situation.

I don't have much to add, except that the above also happens here. It hardly seems fair.

 

[safenow]

Do men really care about bed sheets?....not really. When it comes to food and hobbies then he won't complain.

You said it much better than I could have.

Frankly, I think he is just being a typical male in that regard. I doubt that PTSD had anything to do with it. You have him a tad spoiled. Which is not a bad thing, just an irritating thing. Frankly, I don't think you have too many linens.

safenow

 

[Bilby]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is more about the double standards. I think the point is that Nicolette asked him to stop and he didn't, but if Anthony were to ask Nicolette to stop, it would be expected that she would.