Comparisons, "logic".

[Abstract]

Thanks Prime No!

This is all so very much better in my general interactions with others (I am genuine in these now even though I am still controlled) but when it comes to discussing trauma or anything to do with dissociation and related things it is if I am right back at the start.

I have a strange recovery story in some respects as I never considered trauma as part of my life. And so in terms of trauma and awareness I am like a toddler; whereas when it comes to general self development I have travelled an entire journey. Loads of therapy and loads of progress.

I was shocked to discover there really was no cohesive self in so many ways. No ability to trust in me or to be in touch with what I needed. And I worked hard and built that up and in so many ways I have a solid sense of who I am and am not now. Things don't shatter my sense of reality in the way they did ... unless we touch on trauma. Then I am right back at the start.


Bur regardless of the mostly solid me and my firm and good boundaries and my sense of my values and place in the world the old filtering process is still there. I now just reign it in and check in with me and my feelings religiously. I am aware. But it all still happens. It took seven odd years of daily hard work to be able to learn to be in touch with me.

Or rather: this is me

And yes! the evaluating, checking for validity or errors in thinking does seem to be such a deeply entrenched sense of my functioning that it is just part of me.

Not surprising as I have loosened the reigns I actually have more of my unhealthy thinking (such as projections) seep out into the outside world rather than less as would be more usual in recovery!

to be safe, to be left in peace (literally).

I find it hard to understand or validate why I needed to do this (I have no trauma you know! ;) ) but it is how I functioned. Any sign of showing the real me would have it targeted. Any sign of having my own tastes or own mind was quickly dealt with. Not allowed boundaries of any type. And so I kept it all away from the outside world ... and even me.

I have developed this very means of survival because I had to protect my emotional core.

And it has also been hard to acknowledge that there is this sensitive and vulnerable person inside me that I was protecting. It felt frightening to think I was sensitive. In many ways nothing got near her.

I don't do the inner child thing as it makes me feel too split (frightens the life out of me) but I am glad you can be so kind and caring to the little you.

The evaluating and lack of internal trust is only the icing on the cake when it comes to not believing in the PTSD or trauma (what this thread is really about). I try to just talk and go on "as if". But I do feel like I am a fraud and am "sure" I am making it all up.

So all the cr*p I speak as I go about the site just seems fraudulent.

To the extent that in therapy I would be saying what I should be thinking or feeling without even realising I was doing it.

Please don't feel any pressure to come back and answer here. But if you do I would love to know if this is something you did. I have never found anyone who did this unknowingly and it seems possible that it was the case for you. It wasn't so much to please the therapist (partly of course) and was rather about total denial of much of my functioning.

I was not discussing the things that were wrong with my life as I was just deleting them. I had total lack of awareness of even things such as being outside my body during therapy or my therapist turning into my father.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

 

[p-no]

I will come back to this, Abstract, when I can. I have had a rough time. Just wanted to let you know.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Abstract i can relate such a lot to what you've shared here.

In addition, I feel that because I don't have a personality that I recognise as me, I have been very susceptible to fulfilling other peoples expectations of me, good and bad.

But because I have a fear of feeling trapped by this, now when people show signs of getting to know me, I back off and put up the no entry signs.

Where I am now, looking at going in to therapy again, the divide between my selves seems scarily stark, I jump from one to the other, and it seems that both sides call each other liar, or delusional. It scares the heck out of me, so thank you for sharing your story.

 

[madmax]

Just lurking.............to much yet seemingly not enough.

 

[Abstract]

I have had a rough time

Prime-No,
I am very sorry to hear that. Please know that there is no pressure at all. I hope you feel better soon.

Meadowsweet,

the divide between my selves seems scarily stark, I jump from one to the other, and it seems that both sides call each other liar, or delusional. It scares the heck out of me

Thank you very much for sharing that. For a long time I thought I was just truly insane. I am ashamed to say it actually has turned physical for me at times.

I have happened upon a few people who seem to experience something similar and it has made all the difference. I only think I am crazy 80 percent of the time now. ;)

The idea of therapy is incredibly frightening to me. If I get the courage some time I will post a thread about what happens to me when I attempt to do anything to get help.

A lot of my loosing touch of myself feels dissociative in various ways when it comes to this.

For a year now I have worked very hard at trying to let people in a bit online in a contained environments such as this. The idea was to desensitise me and build up a little more trust and hopefully that would help me into therapy. I have come a long way from where I was which is interesting considering where I still am! :alien:

In some ways the distancing mimics aspects of the emotional-logical dynamic I was discussing with Prime-No.

Max, lurk away. It's OK.

 

[Pencil]

The idea of therapy is incredibly frightening to me. If I get the courage some time I will post a thread about what happens to me when I attempt to do anything to get help.

As you know, therapy scares the hell out of me too, so I would love to know how you experience it.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Pencil! I know you are a fellow "terrified of therapy" person!

I am afraid I am not there yet when it comes to discussing it but hopefully it will happen sometime. Thanks!

 

[Pencil]

I know you are a fellow "terrified of therapy" person!

I am afraid I am not there yet

I do realize you'll probably make me wait a couple of months. :) We're in the minority, just about everybody else seems to be happily ensconced in therapy!! So permit me a voyeuristic need to 'see yours' ;)

 

[Abstract]

Ha! Perfectly understand the need to take a peek. Maybe I will surprise us both and it will be sooner. Or longer.... sadly I never know.

 

[Err0r]

Abstract, Pencil, Prime No... I am close to tears. Everything you are saying is me, everything I have been feeling but not been able to say is being said here and it is just so....I don't know. It's not bad, though.

Thank you. Thank you for making me not feel like a total utter maniac.

 

[Abstract]

Everything you are saying is me, everything I have been feeling but not been able to say is being said here and it is just so....I don't know

Hi Error,

Thank you for sharing that you relate. That helps me too. I do so understand how helpful it is when we hear others discussing things we do or feel. Who knows... maybe none of us are maniacs! ;)

 

[Abstract]

But saying that... going nuts again with this certainly that I have made it all up. So tired of this internal stuff. I generally feel quite bad about discussing it as well as what can anyone really say.

It feels very real that I have a factitious disorder and nothing else. It is actually possible. If thats the case then I am f'd up in a whole different way. Spending my time unable to understand why I relate to so much that others say on here. And then being convinced that I don't and that it's obvious to everyone that I don't belong here and everyone is just being too kind to say anything. Please know that is not a manipulation and an attempt to get people to say anything to me. Its just a matter of fact writing out my experiences at present.

I am starting to seriously consider going for another assessment and diagnoses. The only trouble is that I don't even feel sure about saying the truth. Accurate diagnoses depends on communication. Maybe if I talk about PTSD related stuff I will be lying and convince them and maybe if I tell them the factitious disorder stuff then they will believe it when its not that. Or worse maybe I am truly crazy and they will know and react accordingly.

I guess I at least feel a lot less nuts with this than 4 months ago. Progress. :p