I Want To Go "home".

[Misul]

I'm so depressed because I constantly have this feeling of homesickness. More than anything, I just want to go be in a place where I feel safe and where I "belong". There is no other way to describe it other than I just want to go home. My entire life, I've wanted it. I'm 32 and haven't found it yet. I don't know how I can go on living like this. How can I keep going on without feeling I have a place where my roots are, where I belong, where I can feel 100% safe and relaxed?

When I was a child, I thought I'd grow up and make this place for myself. But I developed several chronic illnesses and I won't be able to work anymore. Being an independent person, I feel like an animal fighting against a cage for freedom. It seems so unfair that I'd have such a terrible life and then all these medical issues on top of it. The worst part is probably the fact that I"m losing my sight; I don't even have the resources to go see everything I want to before it's too late.

Has anyone else found that place or do sufferers have this longing forever?

Misul

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Honey. I'm not actually a PTSD sufferer ( I was a supporter) and that is a desire I have had most of my life. Or, at least, since I was about 16. It's a horrible yearning. I get that. I'm sure PTSD makes it stronger, but I do understand the gist of it. I still want a "home". I wish I could help.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi Misul,

I've never felt what you're describing, but I just wanted you to know I can hear the pain in the tone of your post; whatever you're feeling is perfectly valid and understandable! My first thought is to ask if you have a therapist, and if so, have you ever worked on creating a safe place? It's a term used in therapy to explicitly describe just that. Put very simply, this concept refers to a place in your mind where you are protected, and there is/are no danger or negative feelings, but only positive emotions and images. If you have one, I encourage you to "go" there in you're head when you feel the longing, or need, to be or go "home ". If you're in therapy, and don't have an imaginary safe place, it might be worth asking your therapist to help you design one...I've heard it really works for some people, just not for me.

Again, the safe place was just a thought. Sorry I couldn't be more insightful, but I wish you the best with your medical situation! I am in a wheelchair, so I understand where you're coming from in regard too! The road to stability and peace can be, and is, extremely long and challenging, but I hope things get better for you soon! If nothing else, know you are not alone!

~Holly

 

[Hashi]

I'm sorry for all the things you have to deal with. PTSD alone is more than enough, and to have additional, major issues on top of that does seem deeply unfair.

I've spent my whole life trying to belong to somewhere or something - a group, a place, a lifestyle. Now I'm starting to feel that, for me, safety has to come from something less tangible. I need to be connected to something bigger than me, to give me an overall feeling of safety and having that "harbour" as I go through practical life.

In my case, that's metaphysical. I'm not religious but it is to do with beliefs. I believe in a collective unconscious and in healing/compassionate energies, so in that sense I'm never alone or unsupported. For example, when I struggle with healing I can feel supported by the healing that other people have achieved because the energy of that healing is there to help me. When I struggle with depression I can be comforted by the energy of other people's compassion even if I've never met them and never will. Whatever's happening in practical life, in an energetic sense I believe I'm always taken care of.

At first that felt too insubstantial or removed from everyday life to be significant in everyday life. It was more something I retreated to temporarily. I didn't use to see it as a belonging or something that made me feel safe to go out into the world. Now I do, increasingly. In some ways it feels much safer than, say, belonging to a family or group of friends. Human interaction is important to work on, I still have to live practical life, but in terms of my deepest sense of safety and home this is unchanging and it's stronger.

It also works in both directions - when I feel too despairing to keep trying for my own sake, I hold onto wanting to do it for someone else's. It encourages me to try because other people have faced similar struggles and the energy of their perseverance has helped me, so maybe my perseverance can help someone else on an energetic level too.

I would rather have a life that wasn't full of trauma and challenge, and I'd rather feel I belonged to a group of people and that was enough. I wish I had a "home" in a more human sense, rather than needing to recognise that "home" for me takes a more metaphysical form. This is one of the many things that I wouldn't have chosen but am trying to accept.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can identify. For decades, I dreamt of going back home, to the place before the bad stuff happened. My mind associated home with a time and place that didn't exist anymore. The homesick feeling was awful. I always felt nauseous and empty and like a kid even tho I was an adult.

I realized as an adult that the memories of the bad times only coincided with the physical move, and if we hadn't moved, it would have happened all the same. There were bad signs in retrospect before we left but my brain found it simpler to blame moving when I was little.

What I really lost was a sense of safety. Finding or recreating that sense within me has been my goal since forever. It has been hard, but I have learned to do things that will contribute to a feeling of safety within. It is a struggle a lot of the time.

But it has been easier the times I met good people or thought I had. It is very hard, or has been for me, to change inside. Mindful meditation has helped enormously. There is one book I read as a kid that I reread sometimes that is a shortcut on occasion.

I continue to learn how to feel safe wherever I am. Given we have PTSD, and the feeling of a threat to safety is a frequent issue, it's a tough row to hoe sometimes!

I hope you can find more ways to feel comfort, relaxation and safety. Feeling homesick is the pits.

 

[Tanishq]

Mlsul, I am also searching for home where I would feel yes this is where I can feel myself, get rest, feel safe and grounded. I can understand your thoughts.

 

[ms spock]

I am searching for a home too.

 

[Misul]

Holly,

Yep, I do have that "special place" and I go there quite often! It's also my spiritual center. The physical world is only our physical reality, but there is the "ultimate" reality out there and that's what I am constantly connected to. So it's not really a fantasy world except for whatever images I build around it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this world is just an illusion and it doesn't matter so much, but it's hard to exist in a world of people who really think the here and now is all that matters. It's like floating amongst people like a ghost and makes me feel lonely for the company of people like myself... going back to being homesick.

Holly,

You might be able to relate to what I just described. I'm also not religious, but spiritually and philosophically minded. And I am also trying to accept the same things you are.

Misul

 

[ms spock]

I really, really want a home to go to today. I can relate a lot to the posts here. I have to create that safe home for myself and that feels a bit overwhelming at the moment. I hope you are all getting somewhere with this.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I really, really want a home to go to today. I can relate a lot to the posts here. I have to create that safe home for myself and that feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.

Do you have a therapist who can help you create a safe place for yourself? You may feel overwhelmed by the thought of doing so because creating one on your own can be difficult if you don't have, or know know, which direction to go! If you are in therapy, discussing the idea with your therapist is a great place to start! If not, read my comment above, and try to think of things that meet the criteria I mentioned. Safe places are designed and meant to engage all the the senses, so focus on one at a time to avoid becoming overwhelmed. One idea is to divide a piece of paper into five sections (one for each sense) and write things down as they come to you. Once you build your safe place in words, I suggest drawing a picture so it's easier to imagine/visualize when your ready.

Again, it's best to discuss and create one with your therapist if you have one, but I'm sure it's possible to do independently if you put your mind to it! Imagery isn't my method of choice when it comes to feeling safe; I prefer physical contact and support, but everyone is different, and trustworthy contact is hard to find right when needed sometimes! I hope both you, Misul, and anyone else who might be struggling with this issue are able to find the feeling of peace and safety you so desperately need and long for very soon!

Sending thoughts of healing amd wishes for better days!

~Holly

 

[rainy_daze]

I was going to log off but I saw your post Misul. Thank you for starting a thread on this.

How can I keep going on without feeling I have a place where my roots are, where I belong, where I can feel 100% safe and relaxed?
......
Has anyone else found that place or do sufferers have this longing forever?

In my head sometimes I hear myself saying "I want to go home", even though technically I am home already, sitting in my house. That homesick feeling, for me, it is really a longing for a place that doesn't exist. I think it's actually wanting a feeling, like what you were saying about feeling safe and relaxed, or it's about not wanting to feel unsafe or sad.

I think for me it's also about wanting to be with my mother, because she was the caregiver who actually loved me, as opposed to the one who was always hurting me.

I'd like to think I won't have a longing forever, but that I'll learn to build my own home. Does that make sense? An actual physical place where I feel content. That way I won't always want to "go home", because I'll actually feel like my own house is my home - the place where I can exist and belong. I don't know how exactly I'm going to do that, but that is where I'm situated at the moment.

I don't know if you have access to any apps, Misul, but the PTSD coach app is a good one. It has a guided imagery part that I like, although it sounds like you have a place you can go to in your head.

You're clearly not alone in this kind of feeling though. I think it can be part of the human condition really, if you feel like you're searching for something that you don't know how to achieve. I think most people want to belong in some ways. Feeling lonely is something I understand too, Misul.

believe in a collective unconscious and in healing/compassionate energies, so in that sense I'm never alone or unsupported.

I love that Hashi.

Do you have a therapist who can help you create a safe place for yourself? You may feel overwhelmed by the thought of doing so because creating one on your own can be difficult

The psych asked me if I had an actual physical place I could go. I found one, but I can't go there too often. She said if there was somewhere I could go, and feel safe, be with my thoughts, be around a place that is beautiful that might help. A real life safe place. Is that a possibility for you Misul? A place that would be yours, like a home, that you can visit when things get too much? Take care of yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Funny, years ago I 'heard' "come home", I never quite understood what it meant, though it eventually caused me to ask myself what 'home' is. I still don't really quite know. It's been many many years since I felt like I had a home. I guess I don't know what 'home' is, exactly.