General Room-Mate Has PTSD

[kgggirl]

I am so grateful I found this site. I was beginning to think I was going crazy. My roommate and friend has PTSD and is a wonderful woman, but suddenly she'll just go into a rage and accuse me of doing little and big things on purpose to get to her. I try to explain that I'd in fact done things FOR her and to be helpful because I DO care about her as a person. She'll tell me one thing one moment...a household agreement, for instance, and then 2-3 weeks later she'll say she NEVER said that and that I only care about myself. If I try and talk quietly and rationally with her, she screams at me that she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, that she KNOWS I'm just trying to manipulate and take advantage of her like everyone else in her life...that she's DONE doing things for people.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells every day, alternating between staying out of her way and catering to her every demand. It reminds me of how I felt with my abusive ex-husband. In my head I know that none of this has anything to do with me, but I don't know how to reassure her that I DO have her best interests at heart. I don't want to move so that she then feels abandoned, and I can't anyway since I just moved halfway across the country and signed a year lease for our house. I need some advice about how to be supportive in a way that SHE understands and feels. I'm a fairly quiet and giving person, so I felt I would be able to do this, since I recognized that she had these depressed moods before. I give her space and praise and appreciation, and am always open to communication, but she has these perceived slights that really are not any of my intention. I know enough to respect and honor her perceptions, whatever they may be, but I don't feel I should ever be screamed and yelled at...raged at...for any reason. I understand that she needs to assert her boundaries when she feels triggered, but I also should be allowed to have boundaries as well. She doesn't want to hear or respect those however.

Other times, she just expects me to do things for her...."Go get me...." She's always telling me what to do and how to do it, as if I haven't already lived 40+ years and raised children and had a career myself. I understand this controlling nature in part of her PTSD, and sometimes I just let it slide, and ignore it, because it's just not that important. But should I instead be asking her NOT to tell me what to do?

How best might I approach her that is helpful to her and doesn't require me to be a doormat as well?

 

[Nicolette]

But should I instead be asking her NOT to tell me what to do?

I would recommend strong healthy boundaries.... as for approach, only you can find out by trial and error but I would recommend breaking it down into small issues and just give her one at a time and giving her time to process it all and get back to you. I have found that given time they can process what you've said amongst all else going on for them but if you dump too much on them or demand an instantaneous response it can cause them to overload.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I have found that given time they can process what you've said amongst all else going on for them but if you dump too much on them or demand an instantaneous response it can cause them to overload.

Very succinct sentence which sums up what I've been trying (ineffectively) to tell my partner since day dot.

On topic; something is telling me that despite your (amazingly thoughtful) almost instant and accommodating response to your room mate's discomfort, it doesn't appear this will resolve, sometimes the actual degree of upset does not match the perceived level of 'crime' on your part.

PTSD/personalities can be an arse like that....(guilty party here)

 

[Pencil]

She'll tell me one thing one moment...a household agreement, for instance, and then 2-3 weeks later she'll say she NEVER said that and that I only care about myself. If I try and talk quietly and rationally with her, she screams at me that she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, that she KNOWS I'm just trying to manipulate and take advantage of her like everyone else in her life...that she's DONE doing things for people.

The boundary between PTSD and BPD is very blurred - there is some overlap but they are distinct.

To me this sounds more like BPD behaviour. I had the same scenario last year when I shared an apartment with a BPD friend. She was concerned about the electricity bill, so we agreed to keep the geyser switched off, and switch it on an hour before taking a bath. This worked well for a week. She usually had a shower at 9 am. One Sunday morning, at 7, I was in bed reading. She wanted to take a shower - and EXPLODED because the (&*^(*^^^% geyser was OFF!!! What the hell? She threatened to kill me. No kidding. Similar things happened. In the end I had to phone the police, she was arrested on assault charges, spent two nights in police cells and appeared in court. Charming.

At that time my sister was dying. I could not the afford the apartment on my own. I really needed her to be sane. Alas. I was under enormous pressure, and yet I did not behave like a lunatic.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is that I think it is important to realize that PTSD does NOT ALWAYS resemble BPD. I really don't want anyone to think that just because someone has PTSD, this kind of insane and abusive behavior would be par for the course.

I hope your story has a happy ending.

 

[Abstract]

I think Pencil has a point. And I think it is also important to say that not all those with BPD will present in the stereotyped or classic way. There are many different combinations of the criteria. In other words not all who have BPD will behave in such a way either.

I think what Nicolette said is key. Your first step needs to be to put boundaries down as continually contorting yourself into ways to make her realise you care is unlikely to work. And doing it in bite size chunks sounds very wise.

Sadly I think you have a very long road ahead of you and you need to consider that.

 

[Pencil]

I have found that boundaries to BPD, or any person with serious boundary issues (erm, BPD) are like red flags to a bull. For the world's sake I hope I'm talking nonsense. :D

 

[Abstract]

Oh they are Pencil! Its what they need though. But boundary setter be prepared.

The truth is that people with boundary issues often experience boundary setting almost as an assault. But I think there can be some comfort there too somewhere.

 

[Pencil]

anyone with boundary issues often experience boundary setting almost as an assault.

Well said!

Abstract, the weird thing I have found is that people with boundary issues are like the Gestapo about their own boundaries - and then freak out about a perfectly normal universal boundary. I'll never get it. And I NEVER want to be in a situation again where I have to be the one to 'give them what they need'.

 

[Abstract]

I think its because they tend to experience almost everything as a boundary transgression, for them, that feels uncomfortable for them, but at the same time they are so caught up in their own painful boundary issues that they cannot see past them to view others. In some ways I think all of us with psychological wounds can do that or at least feel that. Its just the extent of so called boundary sensitivity and the extent of the inability of seeing others that varies.

All these things relate to psychological wounds really in my opinion.

And I can understand why you would not want to be in that situation again!

 

[Pencil]

All these things relate to psychological wounds really in my opinion.

They do. What I have found is that most people behave like an ass at times, and most people have the ability to admit afterwards that their behavior was off or wrong or unacceptable in some way, in other words, they have the ability to look at their own behavior objectively and make a rational judgement. The 'BPD crowd', however, lack that, and THAT is what I never want to deal with again. My roommate was not the only person with BPD I've known, and what she shared with others is this weird ability to see that behavior is wrong in the sense that when the police arrived she tried to minimize what she did. In other words, she knew what she had done was wrong. YET, she continued trying to justify it. So, in a sense she knew it was wrong, and at the same time she could not see it.

Am I making sense? Even I feel confused now - and this is exactly how I feel when I have to deal with people with whom I can't establish a shared, stable objective reality. And without common ground, boundary setting is, in my opinion, impossible. Unless you start acting like the Gestapo as well.

No thank you!

 

[HëllaBubz]

Lol.

I was recently diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality.....you get the idea), and unfortunately, most of what you are saying is VERY familiar to me.

 

[Pencil]

I'm sorry about that Bubzilla. BUT if you have the ability to SEE it, you are way ahead. All humans are asses one way or another, and I think the task is to see and claim our asinine qualities, and then work on it.