Giving Up On Sleep

[Leah123]

I'm glad you posted. I can't stand my life right now. I am so tired, it all feels like a big failure. I slept most of 4 hours last night, not very well. My husband's been doing more lately, I've been doing less too, so some things just aren't getting done. I'm beyond managing this life I'm living today. I just want to go away and cry. I want to be ALONE. I'm having the worst time. Just wasted a full hour and a half of therapy. I suck at being tired.

 

[Abstract]

Leah, it sounds truly unbearable. One of the things I have found when I look back at awful situations is that regardless of it being less than ideal I would have been better off doing what I needed to get through. Sometimes survival is the most important thing. For us but also for those who love us.

Can you take some sick leave from work? Can you get away from home for a day or two?

I agree with Bloom. Is your husband doing more than you at present or what is the situation? Does your husband know know where you are at at present?

Sending you hugs if you will have them.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks Abstract. :(

I'm just... overwhelmed. I feel so much on the inside that everything on the outside just activates my defenses. I'm walking around feeling tense, panicky and mad. It's not good.

And, the not sleeping well, I mean, that makes it doubly hard. Sigh. And I've tried SUPER hard to take good care of myself.

I think I'm going to take a nap right now, I seriously can't keep my eyes open hardly anymore.

I'm spending a fortune on therapy and my stupid bosses haven't given raises in ages.

My husband, well, he works an average amount. I'm the overachiever, ha, trying to do the work of 3 people. I have been trying to get help. My daughter spent Monday night at Grandma's (the good one) and is spending tomorrow night there too. I'm just so short of energy reserves... it's not good. My husband, well, he knows some of it. I haven't quite had a nervous breakdown in front of him yet, ha.

I was aching to work through things w/my therapist, that would've helped, but wasn't really able to. We finally talked today, but... I had so many distractions, all I could do was talk around the serious stuff until tomorrow, but now, I feel so mad at her for her bad timing and just... I don't know... for not saying the magic words that would help me feel better I hardly want to deal with tomorrow. I'm so tired. I should warn her again, and all of you... I'm a mess when I'm this tired. Ha.

 

[Abstract]

Leah, chronic severe lack of sleep literally can drive us crazy. I know - I've been there. :(

My husband, well, he works an average amount. I'm the overachiever, ha, trying to do the work of 3 people

hmmm.... :whistling:

I have been there and done this too. For me the only way I felt less not OK was by doing everything and attempting to do it perfectly too. I had no capacity to think, "this is enough" until sadly I had my worst breakdown where I literally was barely able to speak and was a hairs breadth away from comatose. And the only way I stopped going straight back to the same thing again was by micromanaging my life. :rolleyes:

Not saying that will happen to you of course, or that this is what underpins it! And maybe you truly are superwoman. ;)

for not saying the magic words that would help me feel better

Sounds like some transference maybe? It sounds very painful. I hope you get some sleep and find some peace soon.

 

[Leah123]

Yes, the chronic sleep is really hurting me right now. My overachiever tendencies are something I'm actively working on, but not resolved yet. Part of it is just practical though- my job requires 60 hours, and I needed the job because my husband has heart failure and later got laid off, and also I wanted to work at home to be with my daughter, so.. that part's hard, but I'm going to school to get a job w/less hours. It is very hard to manage my schedule, and I am pretty super, lol, but I need to rework it, and I am reworking it, gradually, to make it more manageable.

Transference... kind of. I need her to get to know me well enough to find what is comforting to me. We actually chatted again tonight and it went better. The "magic words" tonight were for her to tell me that a lot of my stress and issues right now were exacerbated ptsd symptoms, because I've had such a hard couple weeks, they're worse, and some other stuff.

So... I'm not looking for her to read my mind or say something impossibly difficult, but just to bear with me and help me shrink down my troubles to a size I can manage, to feel.... that I make sense, and that things will be alright, just stuff like that. It helps. :)

 

[Abstract]

Leah, with all the stressors and triggers you have been exposed to it is sooo normal that everything will be super intense right now.

I am so glad you have a glimpse of the light (or break in the dark at least) at the end of the tunnel. This so will settle with a bit of time and support for you.

Sorry about your h and I think its great you are working towards a long time plan that will be less stressful. :tup:

Oh, and I have gone from super achiever to ... cabbage.... I wouldn't recommend that! :rolleyes:

 

[Leah123]

Thank you Abstract. Big sigh. I feel guilty about venting, but it really helps to have the support and just express where I am. I have tried to combat my symptoms deliberately this week. I've given myself some time to rest, therapy, hot baths, quiet nights letting gramma and grampa watch my daughter for a change, and trying to not stress about my long to do list.

I am starting to feel a little more like myself, though the stress is like painful at this point, but, haha, I'm going to call that an improvement from dissociated. Yesterday I had a really helpful therapy session, and I gave myself the very rare permission to take some hours off work, and I took a 3 hour nap. I worry so about not keeping up with work and life, but... honestly, I know I do too much and I should be able to let go a little bit more in general, so... I went with it, and it helped.

Sorry you got to cabbage, haha, I know what you mean, and that it's not really funny to be stuck there, but that's a funny way to describe it. :) I hope you're doing well.

 

[Abstract]

Don't feel guilty. Much healthier than keeping it inside. You have had a lot on your plate. Good for you for being kinder to you. :) It can help so much in moderating emotions.

I too find painful is usually a step forward from dissociated.

Yes, cabbage I am! :rolleyes: Ha.