My Child May Have Inherited My Personality Disorder

[Anna]

It looks like my child may have inherited my personality disorder.

They do well at school, good grades, we are financially ok, life is generally good. However, constantly they complain of feeling empty and sad. Then recently the blow came, they started to cut themselves to relieve the emotional pain.

I have never discussed my illness with my children ever. I feel very sad as I feel reminded of my teenage angst. However, my mother never noticed or did anything.

I have made an appointment with a therapist who is specialised in teenagers and these issues. I just feel so sad, where did I go wrong? I know I need to give 100% or more to make sure my child does not end up so self destructive like I was.

Has anyone else had this? where their child inherited another disorder such as depression etc?

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry Anna. That must be very painful. I don't have children so am no real use here but can see it would be very hard.

You can do a lot to help them and are already doing things differently to your parents. I think it can take a big toll on children to have their parent have a personality disorder or serious mental health issue such as PTSD. Remember though that it isn't your fault that you have these.

If I was you I would look up what you think they may be heading towards and and then find out what could help or hinder these conditions. Especially on the personality disorder front. From what you describe I am guessing you are concerned about the development of BPD.

For example one of the very important things apparently is a mother being able to empathise and reflect back emotions for the child. And it truly being about the child and their emotions rather than the parents. That is something that can't be faked sadly. It is a type of deep validation that helps develop the self. Also along with this looking at your own attachment issues and how they might affect them. Is there any pushing and pulling going on and what can you do about that.

It might also be worthwhile finding out different ways to help the development of their self as well as healthy coping and emotion control.

I think in that situation I would be tempted to look into DBT training for them; after checking with the psychiatrist that it wouldn't be counter productive of course. Cutting can largely be about emotion regulation issues so learning coping skills can be very helpful. And emotion recognition and understanding of what role different emotions play for us. And how boundaries are managed at home. The children's and others.

Are you still in therapy for yourself? I imagine one of the best way to help children is to see parents help themselves. So it might be worthwhile looking at any areas where you are stuck or stagnant in your recovery.

 

[a3a2]

My child was diagnosed this week with a social anxiety disorder. From the day my child was born, he was such a gentle, kind obedient little person. We have never beaten him. I can count on one hand the number of times he was disciplined with a time out, or more likely with a gentle word. We rarely raise our voices. Our home is peaceful. And yet, here I am with a frightened, frightened child.

I also have a child with asthma. Is this somehow my fault? I think you have to recognize that there is a biological component in there, with asthma, anxiety and so much more. Accept, get help, move on.

 

[a3a2]

I would also like to add that you child is fortunate to be going through this with someone who understands the pain and how very important it is to get him/her the professional help they need.

 

[mamachick]

Anna you are doing all the right things and seeking treatment now is very wise. I would wait and see what the therapist says before you jump to conclusions. It sounds like you are a very dedicated mom. I am too and changing the family cycle was my main goal in life. Even without telling kids this or about our past, they can be very tuned into our need to raise emotionally healthy kids, and may even get attention by sharing their negative feelings. Also, they are exposed to other kids who are doing cutting and may be experimenting with this. Please know, I am not minimizing-I have just beat myself up trying to figure out why each of my children have taken a certain path and what have I done wrong-the answer is not in myself. They do have their own temperment.

I am 54 and I never heard of another teen cutting when I was a teen. However, girls use to use erasers and write initials of boys on their forearm til it reddened and sometimes scarred. Looking back I can see how some were in pain and self destructive, some were copying others behavior that was somewhat acceptable. In our society I think adolescents have somewhat normalized cutting behavior.

I am glad you are taking them to T and please be gentle on yourself. There is no indication that you have caused this and a good specialist will help you through this.

 

[Mach123]

I have six children two with severe autism and I thought a lot about this and I think no, they don't inherit it. They get imprinting from you but that's all.

 

[Abstract]

I think there is often a genetic element that can predispose especially with certain conditions but a lot of it is environmental. The things that are more directly genetic are a propensity to heightened anxiety for example.

Anna can speak for herself of course but in my opinion I don't think a discussion of what caused what is that helpful for her. It seems to me that all she is interested in is how to help her children and head off any bigger issues developing. Personally I have great respect for that. And I think regardless of how much is biological and how much environment (home and elsewhere), if the parent has tried hard and meant well and trauma is a factor then it is not their fault. This is not about blame in my mind and I hope Anna doesn't feel that way.It is more about doing whatever one can to help things move forward. We can do nothing about biological factors but we can do a lot of other things. We also can't change the past but we can look towards the future.

Just my take on it.

 

[anonymous]

I am a mother of two. Each of them have their issues. I am very concerned about one of them. I can identify some negative experiences due to my mental disorders, and so often freak out that I have ruined at least one of my kids if not both. I use all of the following to help back myself off the ledge. All are true. Most helpful is remembering the unhelpful thinking styles... as I tend to predict the future, discount the positives, and especially hit the black and white thinking (ruined my kids? really? So final. Clearly these are unhelpful thoughts.)

1. You cannot change the past.

2. Children are resilient.

3. Identify [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/unhelpful-thinking-styles.13778/#post-174045"]these unhelpful thinking styles[/DLMURL] to calm your anxiety; especially, so you can think clearly about the needs of your child when your child is expressing negatives.

4. There are no perfect mothers.

5. There are no perfect children.

6. Every imperfect person in our world is valuable, worthy.

7. We are all connected, when one goes down, we all drop a little whether we admit it or not. Some people would like to cut the cable that connects us all and just start dropping people when they make bad choices or become "damaged" somehow... but, they cannot do that and by trying... they only drop us all down a little further. So, embrace your child and build them up whenever you can, regardless of how they may be damaged or why they may be damaged... because, every little bit you build them up... you build us all up (including yourself). (It's more difficult when we blame ourselves for their injury, but it really doesn't matter how it happened or why it is what it is, the solution is still acceptance, approval, and sturdy boundaries.)

8. Find positive activities and discussions to bond over, rather than bonding over negative feelings as children will want to connect with their mothers and will choose those subjects which adhere them the deepest... if those are negative subjects, then that is what you'll hear the most.

9. It's not too late to create an amazing bond with your child that makes you both better people together. Focus on the positive. Let the therapist advise on the negative.

 

[Anna]

Therapist wants them to go to a clinic. I was hoping for an out patient option.

Therapy and medication on an out patient basis. I am really really confused at the moment. We go again soon to discuss the options.

 

[Abstract]

Good luck Anna. It must be very painful and worrying. It sounds like they are in good hands though.

 

[Anna]

Psychiatrist has decided medication and therapy. The wheels are in motion now. I really look forward to the results and my child getting better.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Thinking of you, Anna.

(((Hugs)))