Relationship Starting A Relationship With A Ptsd Man

[Snowangel1225]

I recently started a relationship with a man who has PTSD (combat related). He is open about most things if I ask, but does not volunteer information until I do. We were about 2 weeks into the relationship when I found out that he had been treated for PTSD last year and that was only because his sister mentioned something about it so I asked. He gave basic information and no details.

I really care about this man and I could see myself having a future with him so I want to know what would be the best way to proceed? Part of me wants to ask questions and get him to talk about what is going on but the other part feels it would be better to sit back and wait until he trusts me enough to talk about the hard stuff. On the occasions where he was talking, I listened carefully and was supportive, asking a few questions but didn't really push him for more than he was comfortable with.

To make matters worse, he is currently dealing with two DUI charges from last fall. He has since stopped drinking entirely (which I am, of course, completely supportive of and I have also stopped drinking). He is feeling overwhelmed right now dealing with the court system. Since we have started dating, I have attended his court hearings with him and am trying to be a calming influence and help him work through this but other than that, I don't know what to do.

He has an apartment in a neighbouring town and has spent very little time there preferring to stay with me and my children whenever possible which is fine with me. On the nights he stays in his apartment, he gets very down and depressed which is understandable since it is basically empty as all of his belongings are in storage following a divorce from his abusive, alcoholic wife who continues to call/text him to tell him how much she hates him.

Any ideas on how I should proceed? I know I cannot "fix" him, but I do want to do whatever I can to help him through this.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Just know it is not your responsibility to fix him, he needs to do that on his own. Sounds like you are doing the right things already. Don't push him or trigger him though with questions. If he wants to talk he will. He's obviously been through a lot of trauma.

Anyways he is lucky to have you. Take your time researching on this forum. Its a great resource.

 

[DawnNC]

My fiance has combat PTSD and TBI. We dated for a year and a half before I moved in with him. During that year and a half I saw some things with the PTSD, but nothing like what I see now living with him and knowing him for this length of time.

You need to understand that what you are about to step off into is not easy and is probably unlike any other situation or relationship that you have ever been in.

My intent is not to discourage you, just to make you aware. You will see and experience some horrible things and emotions. It's great that you are allowing him to talk and just kind of taking it in. Don't push him and be careful what types of questions you ask. Make sure you can read his mood before you start inquiring.

The best person he could be talking to is a therapist. If you will read some of the posts on here, you will see a lot of people saying their loved one attended sessions a few times and then stopped going. From everything I have read and from what I understand from therapists, is that around the third or fourth session, a lot of sufferers drop out because they are having to relive the traumatic event or they are having to come to terms with things they would rather not. I am experiencing that with mine right now and it's tough. I know his whole story, every gory detail, but I cannot help him. I am not a therapist. The same goes for you. Yes, it's great that you can be there to listen, but he needs professional help. Kudos to you for being supportive and not drinking since he has chosen to stop. That is a good start.

You will have to develop a thick skin and be very patient and understanding to be with this man. You need to understand that his behavior at times or things he says to you is not personal. It's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone with PTSD. Some days will be great, others will be the worst hell you have experienced. There will be times when he will grow silent and withdraw from you and everyone else. There will be days he is super affectionate and months where he will not want to touch you. Approach this situation very carefully. Good luck to you.

Read the posts in this forum. It's a fabulous resource. I also recommend the site family of a vet. It has some great information about combat PTSD.

 

[Briggslee]

Although it sounds like you are handling the situation well, my advice is to be very careful. Continue to be there to listen to him. It is great that he is opening up to you once in a while. Try not to say anything that will make him upset because once he decides he doesn't want to talk to you anymore, it will be very hard to get him to open up again. If you become the one person that tries to understand his situation and the one person that he feels he can talk to about his issues, he will love you forever. Gain his trust to gain his affection.

If you ever disagree with him on a subject, try not to express your opinion unless he asks you for it. This relationship is all about listening. Sometimes you will give more than you will receive.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Funny you should post this today, Briggslee. Last night/this morning we had our first disagreement. He immediately withdrew from me and refused to talk, touch or even admit there was a problem. Today I called him out on it and told him that regardless of what his past relationship with his ex was like, this was not how we were going to handle problems and I was not going to be punished for what she did. There is no relationship where there is no trust and communication. I also told him that he might as well get used to the idea that I trust him and that I believe in him because that is just the way it is. I think he's used to pushing people away and having them go. I don't give up that easily. He's worth the effort to hang in there.

 

[Iamhere]

He's worth the effort to hang in there.

What makes him worth the effort? Why not walk away? So many more men out there, why him? It's all questions I ask my self... Can you help me understand? Thanks.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Because I see his worth as a person. He is talented, funny, kind, and just an all around amazing person. With baggage. Significant baggage but at our age, we all have some. He came into my life and accepted my baggage (also significant) with no questions. He has struggled and lost his way a few times...given up on himself, but he has people who love him who want him to succeed. And I am one of them. I know he can pull his life together as long as he doesn't let his problems overwhelm him. And that is why I am here. To be the calm in the storm and help him sort through this. I want him to know that I won't abandon him and that he isn't on his own. I've been there myself and I know how lonely that can be,

 

[Iamhere]

Snowangel1225
So you recommend to keep fighting??? I want to keep fighting, but how do I do that without me loosing my self and falling into depression?

 

[Snowangel1225]

Everyone's situation is different. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don't, you are no good to him either. I care about this man a great deal and will help him as much as I can without enabling him (there is a fine line), but I also know I need to put the needs of my children and myself first. No one else will take care of us if I don't do it.

You cannot fix him or control him and you have no right to even try. The only person you can control is yourself. Take care of yourself...get yourself in a good, healthy place and only then can you be part of his support system.

 

[Iamhere]

Wow. Thanks. I guess I'll just keep him in the back burner for now. I do have a lot of things to work on. And he shouldn't be my priority like I've been letting him be.