Relationship When Arguments Turn Physical

[khreative]

Haven't been back here in awhile! My significant other and I have a pretty darn good relationship. That's not to say life is all sunshine and roses as he definitely does lose his temper over trivial things at times; but I think I've got a good enough handle on him to know when to walk away.

I'm at work so I don't have the time to go into a significant background detail. I really need to touch on an event we just went through and I feel that I have nobody to talk to about it.... except the community here. Maybe you guys will understand more than someone that doesn't deal with PTSD in their everyday life.

We had an absolutely fantastic weekend away, up until we got home Sunday. He went to his friends house a little later than usual as we got home around noon. His friend and him do a 8am to 5 or 6pm all day gaming nerdfest. Every. Sunday. Minus the fact that deep down I hate it and feel like it limits our ability to make weekend plans because he completely refuses to move the day, or miss them... I've just learned to deal with it. Not worth fighting over anymore. When he got home from this after 6, I did the typical ask him about his day. His answers were short. I noted it but didn't pick up on anything else out of the ordinary.

Then I asked him "So did you get our press passes to the con yet?" He gave me the nasty toned curt "No stop f*cking asking." The kicker is I asked him once about it a month or so ago. I still see no harm or reason why I can't check in on the status of something we're supposed to be doing. We bickered about this for a few minutes because I didn't understand why he was being such a... well an arrogant dick about it.

His dog bursts into the room at some point (we have a baby gate up to keep our puppy in the room with us) and is charging me and barking while we're bickering. This dog is a huge asshole, has bitten us both multiple times and is just being a massive problem child. I'm scared of him. We both stood up at some point and we are now talking louder at each other to talk over the dog. Dogs had enough and decides to lunge at me. I was keeping a weary eye on him and immediately shove him away with my leg. Then I went to grab him so he could be removed from the situation. (It's very stressful being yelled at by a guy and a growly evil dog at the same time!).

When I did this he immediately grabbed me in a headlock, the kind where you can't breathe at all. His dog is going nuts, I'm crying, and he's not relaxing his grip. I frantically start trying to get out (which I realize only is hurting me more and making me panic more). I catch his lip with a nail at some point and he twists me around and throws me into the closet door. The knob catches me right in the back and he wrestles with me. Honestly at this point I'm shut down and am aimlessly swatting at both him and the dog. Tons of that need to fight to defend myself but 0 energy or breath to do so.

It calms down enough for us both back off. He's super pissy/worked up and I'm angry at him. I don't recall what he was angrily saying for the moment - I didn't care. There were more pressing things in my head and I say You are such an asshole what were you thinking as I whacked him on the shoulder then back of the head.

So there's that.

My boss asked about the bruises on my arm and told me not to lie to her because she's had many of those marks before. It hit me funny - I was embarrassed, I didn't know what to say and ended up just leaving work early. I didn't mention the "damage" - very light bruising on my neck, i have fingerprint bruises on my left arm that look pretty gnarly, and an inch wide scrape on my back that is probably 5 or 6 inches long and heavily discoloured not to mention sore as heck. Not to downplay his side - but he has a small scratch on the corner of his mouth that literally looks like a small zit that he maybe popped. But he acts like it's the end of the world. Not one person has looked at him and said hey whats wrong with your face, but I've been questioned multiple times about my bruises.

We did talk about this more in depth last night with a few days to stew on it. I've been slightly distant and he doesn't seem to get why. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He told me he thought I was lunging at his baby boy and I was going to hurt him landing him with vet bills he can't afford. Mind you I've never hurt this animal minus a swift swat on the bottom when he gets too out of line with time in his time out. So I'm not really sure why that thought crossed his mind. I can definitely see how he didn't realize the dog was trying to get at me since it was behind his back.

But the fact that he identified me as some terrible threat is ridiculous to me. Not to mention that out of everything he chose to go after me instead of just removing the dog from the situation like I was trying to do. And he's constantly whining about his lip - he even asked me to cover it up with makeup before we went to volleyball. While he did apologize for overreacting, and for hurting me - he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he reacted to the situation at the time. Why can't he just admit he was wrong. Or am I really wrong :/

 

[Snowangel1225]

You are not wrong. What he did was completely unacceptable for any reason. The fact that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong indicates that he is VERY LIKELY to do it again and possibly with worse consequences. I strongly urge you to contact an abuse advocate in your area and talk to them. They will not judge you or try an force you to make any decisions you don't want to make, but they will be there to listen to you and help you sort out your thoughts. They will also help you to formulate a safety plan for yourself in case you feel threatened again.

 

[Abstract]

This sounds extremely worrying and problematic to me. It isn;t something that you should leave and you need to address it. Could you have a joint therapy session?

grabbed me in a headlock, the kind where you can't breathe at all. His dog is going nuts, I'm crying, and he's not relaxing his grip. I frantically start trying to get out (which I realize only is hurting me more and making me panic more). I catch his lip with a nail at some point and he twists me around and throws me into the closet door.

I whacked him on the shoulder then back of the head.

It is such a shame you got physical back afterwards otherwise I would suggest lodging a complaint with the police. I hope you do so if it happens again. I know it easily said but please don't get physical with someone with PTSD unless you are directly protecting yourself or someone else. It isn't safe at all. Especially with someone with combat PTSD. Getting physical back is also not the way to go regardless. This is extremely unhealthy. You both seem to think it's OK to physically put your hands on another person.

There are other ways to handle disagreements. Physical or any abusive means are never ever acceptable. Has he ever done anger management training?

I hope you are OK and go to the Dr to get checked out. I would also take photographs of the damage.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A guy puts you in a headlock and thinks he did nothing wrong.

How bad does it have to get before you leave? There is no excuse for violence. But when a guy does something physical to you like that and thinks he did nothing wrong with how he acted, it's time to walk away.

 

[Abstract]

Can't stop thinking about this. Can you move out? I truly don't think it's safe to stay there with him. This doesn't even sound like a very serious argument. What would happen if he really lost his temper. Leaving also gives you leverage to get him to change first before you risk your safety again. I don't know what the history of your relationship is but regardless you have to stay safe first. The most concerning part is that he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Khreative -

I’m so sorry you’re going through such rough, scary time with your boyfriend. You know, what you described sounded to me like domestic violence (DV), both emotional and physical. I really can't say for sure because I’m not a psychologist or counselor, but I am a DV survivor.

I went back and read your other posts to see if I'd get more of a solid feeling about my hunch about DV. Reading your posts made me feel very panicky and very concerned for your welfare.

What you wrote described dishonest behaviors, manipulativeness, lying, neglegence, poor judgment, violence and minimization of circumstances (i.e."I've had a little bit of trauma" followed by "My mother growing up was overly abusive physically and emotionally, and so were two of my Marine ex bfs"). And, in my opinion, your posts, contained a lot of self deception: "My significant other and I have a pretty darn good relationship."

Please consider letting go of this relationship immediately; please contact a DV advocacy group and look into getting thereapy to help deal with issues in the past and prepare yourself for a better future - one that's calmer, more secure, loving, and just all around more comfortable to live in. You deserve nothing less, but no man, no anybody, will treat you with the respect, give you the love you seek, and appreciate the love you have to give until you love and respect yourself. And you cannot "help" anyone else until you've learned how to help yourself.

I hope you don't feel you've been judged or that "we just don't see the whole picture" - many of us here have "been around the block" (so to speak) long enough to see the whole picture real fast and this site is not about judgment.

You came wanting support and asking for insigth. Now trust when you read "please walk away" and "please get help".

Kindness first always,

Drew :hug:

 

[Nicolette]

There are some things in life you can never undo, change or forget - this is one such instance as your safety and well being has been compromised.

Look around this forum and there are members here who have PTSD from abuse - what you just experienced but over and over. It always has to start somewhere and here is where you now place yourself - a more than likely domestic violence victim or worse and as ill as some people here. The difference is you still hold the power to change your destiny; stay and I'd bet on where you'll end up. I know as I've been there and it's more than concerning when they believe they have done no wrong. I knew it was leave or lose my life... you now get to choose as the bar has been raised to where it can never be lowered from.

You own your decision to where you end up as you cannot guarantee what he does when words are hollow compared to actions which speak volumes.

 

[Abstract]

What you wrote described dishonest behaviors, manipulativeness, lying, neglegence, poor judgment, violence and minimization of circumstances (i.e."I've had a little bit of trauma" followed by "My mother growing up was overly abusive physically and emotionally, and so were two of my Marine ex bfs

Oh my goodness. :( Drew is right that just what you described in this thread is physical abuse. I am sorry to hear the rest of the story.

Normal and good relationships do not involve physical expressions of rage, manipulation or lying and dishonesty. You need to leave asap and it may be worthwhile speaking to an organisation that deals with domestic violence first so that you can plan how to do that as safely as possible.

You also need therapy if you are not having it already. Repeated abusive and negative relationships happen for a reason and they tend to continue to until we look at why and how to avoid them.

 

[twopenny]

He doesn't think he did anything wrong.

This sentence chills me to the bone.

I'm not somebody who thinks of physical violence as a marriage breaker, necessarily. Totally unacceptable, and a sign of a serious, serious problem, yes, but something that can be got past in the correct circumstances. (I've been through it, (at a time when he had untreated PTSD), although at no time have I been in a position where I'm scared of my husband.)

But he HAS to get help with this, or you HAVE to get to a safe place. If he isn't admitting that what he did was very, very wrong, then he can't get help for it, and he will do it again without question.

Another massive sign to me that things are very very wrong - a dog that's known to bite is growling at you, and he isn't the one to be pulling it back???

I'm so sorry for all you're going through, but please, PLEASE get help from somebody. I'm concerned that you're in real danger here.

 

[khreative]

I was actually going to therapy for quite a few years back when I was in Canadia. I stopped going and moved back to the states after I finally got a handle on who I am. There were loads of self image/confidence exercises and writing and burning journal pages until things didn't hurt anymore. There will always be that scar, but my deep past no longer defines who I am. Thank goodness btw because hating yourself is no way to live :p

He and I had a stumble when I first moved in with him, and it took I think 3 months for us to slowly work through it. Ever since we have lifes been really good for us. We've had some downs, but they've been so incredibly minor. (OMG YOU LET ME DIE IN A VIDEO GAME ARRRRGGGHHH.) And not once has he ever raised a hand at me or have I felt threatened around him.

That's why I'm sitting here now going what the heck; I'm just in shock and I've really detached myself for the moment.

I also know I was heavily in the wrong for reacting back to it by the way. A lot of me wasn't there and in the moment I don't think I realized it was over. They weren't really whacks, they were more like exhausted out of breath angry caresses.

I just. Argh. The replies are helpful though, I hate that I'm questioning right or wrong in this.

 

[KyGirl31]

I agree on leaving. I wish with all if my heart the very first time my ex husband put a finger on me I'd have left but I didn't. I was young and scared and once he saw he could do it once it only became more frequent. It got to a point I was lying to everyone and hiding things. I was ashamed that I was being beaten. I stayed 13 years and I regret not leaving sooner. It became my normal life to be hit and called names. I lost my self worth through all of it and never told anyone but my PTSD sufferer and this forum. Stop it now!

 

[Abstract]

I also know I was heavily in the wrong for reacting back to it by the way.

I was just worried about how this could have escalated and how it could again if it happens again. Confronting a physically violent person is never a good idea unless there is no alternative. It is also possible to have ones sense of normality eroded and that could end up looking very nasty as a relationship.

There are three things here you need to keep sight of:
A. He physically assaulted you.
B. He does not see he was wrong to do so.
C. Staying in the environment (for the moment) is giving out signals that it is OK.

Whatever else you are considering you have to address these. It may actually help him too. I don't believe being abusive is helpful for the person doing the behaviour either.

Is he in treatment and what treatment has he had?