Getting Dumped Because Of My Ptsd

[ASHR88]

I think I just need some people who have PTSD to tell me that I am not alone in this. My partner left me 2 months ago. Although there was a lot discussed during the process of her leaving, it generally boiled down to my PTSD. She was generally tired of my symptoms and she said that I "stopped working on things". She told me that loving me wasn't hard, but that living with me was.

Now, I am trying to be an adult. I'm trying to be mature and understanding. After all, this is the woman I was going to spend my life with. I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I say this because part of me, the part of me that clearly needs more therapy, can understand her point. After all, no one knows better than me how living with me must be incredibly difficult. I was there too when I would wake up with night terrors night after night. I saw the look of exhaustion on her face when she tried to help me calm down. I saw her eyelids drop and her tired feet shuffle when we had to change the bed sheets at 2 am because I sweat through them. I know how alert she had to be when we went out. I felt her hand on my back rubbing when the sounds or crowds were too much for me. I knew she walked slightly behind me so that I felt secure that no one was going to get too close or sneak up behind me. I watched her eyes scan my face to watch for any stress of anxiety that might be there. I watched her look for exits while trying to calm me down in the middle of anxiety attacks at Disney World. I saw her embarrassment when I had a flashback in the middle of a crowded park. I heard her worry when I had to call her to come pick me up when I ran the car off the road after I had a flashback while driving. No one knows more than me how hard living with me is. So, parts of me understand why she would be tired.

And yet, there is a large part of me that is just pissed off. I'm pissed off because she has no idea what she's talking about, not really. What she saw as me stop working on my issues wasn't that. It was a moment in time when carrying the weight I had to carry became too much and I just need a little time to just be upset, to be hurting. Canceling one therapy session so I could use the time to take a nap since I hadn't slept in three days is not me giving up on working on stuff. It's taking care of the issue that is the most immediate. It's like she never expected me to go through a period of bad times. It was like she only wanted me to get better so she didn't have to deal with it. She didn't stop to think that if she was struggling so much than I must be struggling ten times worse.

I guess my rambling questions are these: Does this happen to everyone? Did I just pick the wrong person to be with? Are there people out there who I can trust with something like this? Are there people who can struggle with me and still think that my good qualities are worth that struggle? If it does happen to others, did it make your feelings of shame worse?

I'm just lost

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Could it be that the single cancelled therapy session was just an excuse? In that she could point to that as her way out?

I cancel appointments when I'm not feeling well. I think we all do! It's not an indication of quitting, rather taking care of immediate needs (ie sleep) over long term goals. It happens.

Not everyone is able to handle being with a PTSD sufferer. Unfortunately it can be hard to tell which is which until after you're invested, as many people have no clue what it's like, and think they can handle it.

Does it happen to everyone? I'd say yes, we've all had a loved one, friend, family member give up on us in one way or another. It used to make me mad. But not as much anymore. I rather have someone who is willing to grow with me and accept my faults, and if that means I'm single for awhile, or don't have as many friends, so be it.

 

[anonymous]

Hi, I can relate. You're not alone. I'm sorry your girlfriend left you. I think some people might be more cut out for being able to cope with this then other people.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Hi ASHR88
Your post touched a cord and I feel your anguish over your ex leaving you. I am a supporter and I really don't have any answers for you I'm afraid.

I split from my partner who had combat PTSD during his 5 months of therapy. I can see now how I may have also been frustrated, similar to how your ex behaved, when my ex once cancelled one of his sessions.

It may sound callous and harsh but at the time I had endured so much crap from living with a PTSD sufferer (there was also much positive too I must add) that I felt my partner had all the support from me and all I asked back was for him to do a weekly session.

I know how awful the sessions can be for you but please remember, we deal with difficult stuff daily as supporters (as you do as a sufferer). As a supporter it is very easy to reach burn out stage and I would think perhàps your ex was at that stage and the cancelled therapy was the final straw.

I still feel guilt over parting from my ex, hôwever there was verbal abuse and anger issues with him so I know I did the right thing.

For future, a lesson learned would be......communicate, communicate, communicate. I have to say though, if it had not have been for my ex's anger and verbal abuse towards me I would have happily stayed with him and his bad dreams and hyper vigilance because most of the time he was great.

May I ask, do you think you were abusive towards your ex in anyway? Sometimes sufferers are not even aware when they are behaving in an unnaceptable way?

 

[ASHR88]

Peekieblue,

When we first got together, I had a tendency to slam things down or throw things when I was angry. I never threw them at her just kind of tossed things across the counter or down onto the ground. It didn't last long though. I had gone from a stage in my recovery where I had all the anger tightly strapped down so I rarely got mad.

It reminded me of my abusive household and I made a pact with myself that I would never be that way so I didn't allow myself to express anger. That, of course, made a lot of my other symptoms ten times worse but I figured I would rather suffer like that than be anywhere near that kind of anger. I was worried I would repeat the cycle of abuse.

Right before I met her, I had gotten to a place in therapy where I felt comfortable enough to not do that. I was at last expressing that emotion, however, I was not doing it in a healthy manner. It was a new emotion to allow myself to feel.

We met around the tale end of this experience. I was going to two or three sessions a week, working with group therapy, working with workbooks, and going to workshops on how to get that under control. Trust me, no one wanted that more in control than I did. She was around it for maybe a month before I can really say I became consistent in my ability to handle anger in healthy way.

The way I did handle it was completely inappropriate. It was always something I had admitted. I saw it. I knew what that could do which is why I worked so hard to get it under control. I never hit her. I never used inappropriate names. It was simply the hitting the counters and throwing stuff. It scared her and it made my heart break to know I scared her in those moments. I was so happy when I became consistent in dealing with it. To this day, its one of the best accomplishments in my recovery.

We were together for 4 years after that first initial month. Trust me when I say, she was not the type of women who sugar coated her words. If I was behaving in an unacceptable way, she had absolutely no qualms about telling me that straight away. It's one of the things I loved about her. I knew that she would always tell me so I could fix it. But after that, I didn't usually act incorrectly. There would be moments when I would do something and she would bring to my attention that it wasn't the best way to handle something, but those were mostly moments where I didn't know that was the wrong way to handle it.

Coming out of an abusive household, I had never learned some of the things children from "healthy" families learn. Being cognizant of others was something I had to learn how to do after years of being isolated. It came naturally to her. Which is why she always found it weird that when something happened, beyond caring about her and myself, I didn't seem to say much. She wanted to make sure everyone in our vicinity was aware or ok. It was new. However, that anger issue was something I knew was wrong but had trouble taking care of.

Other than that, I kept myself on the straight and narrow. In fact, I went out of my way to communicate. I trusted her more than I had ever trusted anyone with my past and my PTSD. I wouldn't have gotten into a serious relationship if I wasn't consistent with my therapy and my medications. But there would be days, after not sleeping for three days or after having flashback when my tone would get tense. I wouldn't yell or anything I just was tired and I wasn't terribly talkative. However, I always communicated it to her. I always told her I was tired or hurting or was feeling weak.

In the beginning she understood that, but as we went along she seemed to have less patience. I worked even harder then. Before, I would keep trying to get sleep no matter how many night terrors or "perimeter checks" I made. When I saw her start to get tired, I tried to lesson the load as much as I could.

I would only allow myself one time and then I would move into the spare bedroom so she could sleep soundly. I would try and be more helpful around the house, although I tend to be helpful naturally. I would try and pamper her because I knew it was hard on her. I tried going out as much as she wanted, no matter how hard it was for me because she needed it. I tried so very hard to not be a burden I was feeling like I was. I tried to communicate it.

It just never seemed like enough. I think after 4 years, she was expecting it to have gone away and it hadn't. It left me feeling broken. Because the one thing she needed was the one thing I literally couldn't give her. I couldn't give her a PTSD free me.

 

[twopenny]

I think that some people just have higher thresholds than others. Some people just hit breaking point quicker.

Only an individual can know when they get to the point when they just can't take any more, and they have to walk away. I'm not going to castigate him for that, but I have to admit that for me and hub, talking (when we're both in the right mood) seems to work. And trying to remember only 'I' statements, like 'I feel', etc, rather than 'you did'. Slightly nauseating technique that I heard on the radio once, but it seems to help.

As we both have PTSD, we do tend to switch back and forth between the sufferer and supporter roles. He regularly thanks me for sticking around, but I know I've put him through at least as much crap as he has me. I actually have a-not-fully-formed idea that maybe the switch around actually helps us both, instead of being the blubbering nightmare you'd probably imagine it would be (though we have our times of that too).

I've been the supporter for years, and it's a hell of a strain to always feel like you have to be the strong one. Thinking about it from both sides, and obviously, I can only speak for myself, and how both sides have felt for me, but I don't think it's anything like as hard as being the one who has it.

 

[twopenny]

Adding (because we cross-posted) - I know that there are a lot of people who expect hub to just be magically 'all better' [insert chirruppy voice], because he's had treatment.

And because I forgot to say that it is noticeable as a sufferer that you get people who know making allowances for you, and trying to understand, but when you're a supporter, very few do. As though people expect it to take absolutley no toll on them at all, and they're just making a silly fuss about nothing.

Mind you, I'd still far rather be the one going through stuff than watching it. Not good at watching.

 

[KyGirl31]

This whole thread just breaks my heart:( I'm very sorry for you and I hope things get better soon.

 

[truestory]

I'm sorry your relationship has ended - I'm a supporter and my ex 'dumped me' a few months ago and I know how hard some of this can be. Please bear with me on my post: I'm in no way wanting to threadjack this, just want to share a few examples from my own relationship in hopes of shedding some light on things you may not be considering right now.

From what I've read in these forums (and I've been lurking for a while now), I haven't seen a lot of mention about the more subtle ways PTSD symptoms can wear on a supporter. My ex is/was a wonderful guy: great heart, smart, funny, kind, etc. He wasn't abusive or threatening, I didn't know him to have night terrors or flashbacks (though I imagine the flashbacks existed, in hindsight, but the term was never used) and, during our many times out and about at events or on trips, I never knew him to have any panic attacks or anything. In many obvious ways he was symptom-free. Getting to know him, I learned that his symptoms were less-obvious but just as pervasive and heart-breaking (for both of us).

The challenges we repeatedly ran into, and eventually became stuck in, were the more subtle symptoms that, because of our closeness, had a direct impact on me and my life. The easiest example: he woke up each morning highly stressed, his mind racing and feet sweaty, he regularly gagged in the morning due to anxiety. He was so tightly wound in the morning that we were almost always silent; 2 years of silent mornings, before work and often on weekends. After discussing it, working on it, etc., I realized that he simply wasn't at a place in his healing where he could have easeful mornings. Our morning routine became one of intense stress: when I didn't have to go to work but he did, I laid in bed and basically did a decision-tree in my head of all the things I could do (make him coffee? pack him lunch? be awake but in bed? pretend I'm asleep despite him knowing I'm not?) -- I became paralyzed by the fear of increasing his morning stress. For me, this was absolutely exhausting. I became resentful that I couldn't have an easy morning before work. To an observer peeking in on our mornings, I'm sure from the outside it looked like 2 adults who aren't 'morning people' having their quiet, private routine in the morning; it could almost look like there's a sweetness to it in some way. But to a third party sitting on our couch each day? I have no doubt they would have felt the tension/stress/anxiety too.

It was also hard to know that much of what he did for me or with me was because he felt he "should" do it, not because he wanted to. He didn't want to join us for dinner on my birthday last year because he hadn't slept in a few nights; he came out anyway (it was an early dinner b/c friends with kids joined us) but the night was tainted because it was so obvious (to me, not to anyone else) that he wanted to be elsewhere. Being aware that he was, essentially, 'faking it' for me unfortunately backfired for both of us and, because he was making an effort, it never felt like something I could discuss with him.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just think it's easy to be blind to the more subtle ways PTSD affects the sufferer and, perhaps, even easier to be blind to the ways those subtle but pervasive symptoms can affect the supporter. I wonder how much or if you and your ex discussed the more subtle symptoms? I wonder if you ever heard from her how your effort itself (like when you say you "tried so very hard not to be a burden") might have affected her?

Your thoughts at the end about her wanting a "PTSD-free me" really breaks my heart a little. I have thoughts about that but will hold back for now; this is my first post and I'm afraid I may have stepped on toes with it.

To answer one of your direct questions: Yes, there are plenty of people who will find your good qualities worth the struggle. I imagine you've grown a ton (both in your management of PTSD and in your capacity for intimacy and relationships) and will find someone more ready in the future. No doubt.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This thread needs more sufferer responses. I feel incredibly hopeless about ever being in a relationship even though I'm a thousand times better than my rock bottom (but still light years from the finish line).

No offense to anyone, but it's hard to hear that sincere effort still falls short.

I get those burdensome feelings that everyone tells me are nonsense. (Are they really?) I guess I hate seeing it pointed out, because we know that we're not easy to deal with. The difference is that we can't walk away while they can. I think that's why I hate seeing something like "we suffer too".

End of tangent, carry on.

 

[ASHR88]

It's not that I don't understand the point of supporters. Well, in the limited way a non-supporter can understand. I try to get how hard it must be for all supporters out there. I can even logically understand why some walk away.

I understand why she would be tired. I understand why she might be fed up. I understand how impossible it must have felt at times or how used she might have felt having to always be supporting and thinking about me. I really try very hard to understand. She's still the best friend I have ever had. She's still the person who knows me the best. She's still the person I want to share my thoughts and feelings with. I feel like I tried very hard to be her equal even in moments when I felt dependent. I tried to walk the line between relying on someone else and being self sufficient. I know she certainly deserved that.

She was my partner in life. I didn't want her to ever suffer and certainly not suffer because of me. Because of the nature of my abuse, there was a lot of stuff I didn't realize I was doing that she didn't like. For example, I had a habit of cleaning every single dish I used for dinner except the plates and cups we were currently using BEFORE I would sit down and eat. She grew up in a house where everyone sat at the table, leisurely ate their meals, and chatted and laughed. I grew up in a house where I would be abused for having a single dirty thing in the house and where food was never a guarantee.

She would get so frustrated with me when I wouldn't just sit down and eat slowly and chat. 1.) I'm not much of a "chatter" by nature. 2) In my house, if you were even given food it could be taken away in a moment. If you dawdled you only got 3 bites of food and you weren't sure when you would eat again. 3.) leaving the dishes dirty in the sink would make me anxious and divert my attention away. the entire thing was upsetting for both of us. I eventually got in the habit of putting my back to the dishes and only allowing myself to eat a bite when she ate a bite. It was things like that where we just didn't understand each other. I couldn't even fathom a family dinner like that. I didn't even know people actually did that in real life.

We were so fundamentally different that it made connecting even harder. Even when I tried and she tried sometimes we wouldn't meet in the middle. She used to tell me she wondered if love was enough when dealing with PTSD. I guess that's what she meant.

I will easily admit that there were times when I did things just for her not because I wanted to. She used to hate it and I tried to walk the line. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with her or do something she wanted. We almost always were doing something she wanted and I enjoyed it. But there were days, after not sleeping for two days or after a flashback or after a really hard therapy session, that it was extremely hard to get up the desire to go out to dinner with a huge group of people. I felt raw and exposed. I felt tense and worried.

I guess I don't know how to win if my effort to not burden her is hurtful and my relying on her is hurtful. It seems like a catch 22. How can I win if she hates when I don't want to go out with her but also hates when I push myself to do it?

I wonder if there is always going to be this dissonance between supporters and sufferers. Are sufferers always going to feel like they failed even when they think they are working as hard as they can to try and be better? Are supporters always going to feel forgotten or taken advantage of? Neither one seems fair. I don't want to work hard and be cognizant of every move or word I choose just to have it not be enough. But on the other hand, I don't want the person I love to feel not supported or used or not worth every effort. I don't want to feel abandoned by her if there was something I missed that made her need to leave.

Some people say that every person has a different threshold but then some say that there are little or big things I have missed or don't understand about the other side of the fence. Which I agree with. I don't know how supporters feel. Sometimes it seemed almost worse than what I went through. After all, why the hell did she have to go days without sleeping just because I did? She was getting symptoms without having the trauma. I can't tell if that's better or worse. But, it just seems so futile and hopeless. Its so heart breaking. It hurts to know that I worked so very hard and yet, for whatever reason mine or not, it still wasn't enough.

It makes me not want to try again with anyone. It makes me feel guilty and broken in a time where I'm trying to feel the opposite of those things. It makes me feel like I used her or didn't appreciate her.

 

[Anna]

I went through a lot of relationships before I found someone who would put up with my "shit" and baggage. I still wonder to myself every day, why the hell they stay with me? I am just such a totally shit person and they can do so much better.

They must truly be a saint to put up with me. I sometimes wonder if they would be better off without me and I do not deserve them.