Forgot How Ugly I Was For A While

[Leah123]

Thank you for that beautiful explanation. It's not that I enjoy those things you detailed, the... sadistic pleasure, no no, I don't embrace that, I don't honor that. But I know it, I recognize it. Things like that are part of my life story. I just feel at home with that video, like I've been there, emotionally, spiritually, and I had to find the beauty in it, the redemption. I couldn't change my landscape when I was younger, so I learned to appreciate the little purple flower, the raggedy animal, comfort where I could find it. And victory- how can anyone not appreciate the victory, the power, of that young woman.

You can see, it's very deeply personal for me, and I am grateful that you've given it so much thought even though it causes such reactions: I really truly appreciate that. Those painful moments get me too, my goodness, they are so poignant, so difficult, but I guess.... they just resonate with me, I identify enough that instead of wanting to look away, I find myself in it, not being able to look away maybe.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, I know it too. The victory, I guess that's because I don't think I've got it yet. I have courage, I am brave, I am a fighter, but for some reason I don't connect to that part of the story, yet.

 

[Leah123]

I don't think I've got it yet

I think it's on your horizion, the victory you are entitled to.

John Keats' words just sprung to mind, and I believe they sum up my feeling on the video well:

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty"

That video is true, true to me at least. True and beautiful. Not pleasant, not pretty in a shallow, superficial way, but honest and artful and stirring.

 

[Leah123]

PS. I just had a thought Leah and it is that I think your response is also to a tiny extent a reflection of your positivity. I have noticed this about you. You are very good at seeing positive in things. That you don't get caught up the difficult parts of it and can focus and be uplifted by the positive says something about you. An added dimension to what has been discussed already. The recognition and the pain and suffering and dynamics involved in the video; I realise that is the most important part for you, maybe a description of your experiences.

I did not see your PS until just now, and I was so happy to read it. You understand me!!! I am- I AM happy about the flower, the little things. I'm very very happy about the flower. If we just... focus on it... we can see through everything else, we can.... transform everything else, all the darkness and horror, it's enough. Enough to focus on it. And she wins!!! How can that not make the video positive.

I'm also tied up in the fear. I see the fear, even in the puppets that aren't real. I know that fear, I recognize it. I don't really understand, in my heart, how others don't see it the way I do and I find it so sad and impossible to fix, knowing the person I shared with doesn't see it at all like I do. I completely understand that's unreasonable of me... I know it makes no sense, but... I kind of can't see how someone can relate to me when all that video is to them is "disturbing." Sigh.

 

[Abstract]

:)

You do have this amazing positivity Leah and I could be wrong but suspect you have almost always had and it isn't just a reflection of how far you are recovery wise. I think it is probably something extremely helpful when it comes to resilience and coping.

I would have appeared to be positive in the not so distant past but in truth I just blocked things out and that was a big problem. For me allowing awareness has meant an apparent significant increase in negativity but it is actually a step forward for me. You allow the experiences through but can still primarily focus and be left with the good.

I kind of can't see how someone can relate to me when all that video is to them is "disturbing."

I have to admit I found it difficult to watch. I see the beauty you speak of and the raw truth of it as well as the good message that good beats evil and beauty darkness. The suffering and unfairness also touches me. Some of it is just too close to things that I find difficult to see still.

But I still relate to you in many ways. ;) And I appreciate you. This part of you that I don't have in the same way. We don't all have to be the same in order to bond, have rapport or appreciate who the other person is. I know you know that logically. I also understand that this is such a deep and important thing for you that the feelings go beyond logic.

Part of the way you see it is because of your uniqueness. I don't think its that common to be able to do what you do when you view this because it is part of trauma to get hooked on the dangerous parts of things.

I think the flower and the strength of the defeat of evil and humiliation is powerful concept and has great impact metaphorically too, and I also think you should revel in the way you are able to look at things.