Relationship Husband asked for divorce while deployed, unsure how to proceed.

[Friday]

I've gotten myself an appointment booked with a counselor. Didn't mean to write a novel, but this is kind of my only outlet until then and I can't express how much it helps to have talked to y'all. Even just to yell at the void.

That’s what we’re here for.

Literally.

DO please feel free to start a diary if you just want to thrash things out, as they come up. (If you haven’t already). Being a supporter? Has LEGS. And is seriously complicated, nuanced, all the things. All totally real/valid/challenging. Unless you also have PTSD, you have no idea how much I prefer having it to loving people who do. As all the power? Is with the person wrassling with it, and all of the helpless frustration/rage/heartbreak/god grant me a burst of PATIENCE/I am not a doormat/WTFO?!?/Arrrrrrgh… with those who love the ones hurting.

Sweetpea has the BEST analogy about how being a sufferer/supporter is like swimming in the same durn river… but when we’re supporting we’re in the shallows, whilst they’re in the deep water current. Sometimes we can get them over to us, sometimes they’re just trying to survive the rapids as they’ve been swept back out. No ones fault, but very different realities.

 

[hopefulrook]

That’s what we’re here for.

Literally.

DO please feel free to start a diary if you just want to thrash things out, as they come up. (If you haven’t already). Being a supporter? Has LEGS. And is seriously complicated, nuanced, all the things. All totally real/valid/challenging. Unless you also have PTSD, you have no idea how much I prefer having it to loving people who do. As all the power? Is with the person wrassling with it, and all of the helpless frustration/rage/heartbreak/god grant me a burst of PATIENCE/I am not a doormat/WTFO?!?/Arrrrrrgh… with those who love the ones hurting.

Sweetpea has the BEST analogy about how being a sufferer/supporter is like swimming in the same durn river… but when we’re supporting we’re in the shallows, whilst they’re in the deep water current. Sometimes we can get them over to us, sometimes they’re just trying to survive the rapids as they’ve been swept back out. No ones fault, but very different realities.

Thank you, I really do appreciate it in many ways. I described it in a similar way the other day about being in the deep ocean vs closer to shore where the waves are smaller and closer together. It comes and goes like grief sometimes too. It's a struggle to know when to lay back and float vs fighting to keep swimming, and sometimes I think letting the current do its thing is safer than fighting it until I can see the shoreline.

I have so many questions and so many things to say/so many things I want to apologize for to him, but I realize too that it'll just be a distraction or more stress. A lot of this is just a mass miscommunication based on things he NEVER told me he had an issue with previously, and even supported me on or encouraged me to do, so to hear that he did a 180 out of nowhere really hurt. I keep thinking if I explain myself it'll help. But all I'm doing is screaming useless information to him from shallow water while he's out in the shiddy rapids.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

I keep thinking if I explain myself it'll help

That's the exhausting part, because if it was based on logic it wouldn't have happened in the first place. Some years ago my partner blocked my number while I was away on tour performing at an arts festival that I had told him about in advance, and had asked him to come with me. Long story short I was going through some really difficult stuff at the time, and was horribly sick too through the whole run and then came back to find I was blocked and he wouldn't speak to me at all because he thought I had gone out there to cheat on him. And it was so non-sensical, and also so complete live-changingly devastating, and I spent hours and days trying to explain to him - but mostly talking to myself over and over again because I couldn't explain to him because he wouldn't speak to me. The truth wasn't his reality at the time, and so explaining the facts didn't make the slightest bit of difference. If he'd been able to respond to the facts he never would have left in the first place. (He did eventually calm down and unblock me and apologise).

Not to make this about me, I just wanted to let you know how much this resonates and I know how awful it feels to be punished for something that you never did and never would do, and would give anything to put right, but you can't because it's not about reason. Just about time, (maybe????). I'm glad you're getting counseling, and be kind to yourself, because you didn't do this, and this is not your fault. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me to come here and read other people's stories with such startlingly recognizable behaviors, because it helps me validate that I am not a monster that deserves this treatment (and just writing that feels so silly, but over and over again I've felt like I've just been thrown away, like I suddenly don't mean anything, and it's hard to be secure enough to hang on to any of my self worth when that happens).

I think the two best things I have done so far are to get counseling, and find this forum.

 

[hopefulrook]

Not to make this about me, I just wanted to let you know how much this resonates and I know how awful it feels to be punished for something that you never did and never would do, and would give anything to put right, but you can't because it's not about reason. Just about time, (maybe????). I'm glad you're getting counseling, and be kind to yourself, because you didn't do this, and this is not your fault. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me to come here and read other people's stories with such startlingly recognizable behaviors, because it helps me validate that I am not a monster that deserves this treatment (and just writing that feels so silly, but over and over again I've felt like I've just been thrown away, like I suddenly don't mean anything, and it's hard to be secure enough to hang on to any of my self worth when that happens).

I think the two best things I have done so far are to get counseling, and find this forum.

Thank you, this does help put it in perspective a lot. I think too having found out that he apparently tried to contact the JAG about divorce papers MONTHS ago without having said anything to me, AND assuming I cheated without saying anything to me also just really twisted the knife. Like why keep lying to me and making it out like we were going to work it out if you had already gone and started trying to make papers. And why lie to me about "they're already done" when clearly nothing has been actually filed or paid for. Yeah, we had some issues previously that I think were 110% because we were so separated for so long due to his work. But he was so sweet to me before he left. He was gentle and kind and romantic. Sent me flowers at work on Valentine's Day all the way from around the world. And then the switch flipped, he threw me in the dark for months, and THEN I found out about all of this all at once.

He's quiet again, and I'm just sending him the occasional vague update for now to let him know I'm around and where I've been.

And like, no I don't *deserve* this treatment, but I also keep thinking I could've prevented it somehow or helped (logically I know this is probably not the case at all) and I think that's what's eating me alive. I want so bad to discuss these things with him. But I can't, and the "not knowing" has been the bane of my existence since before I can remember. I was more scared of going to limbo than hell when I was a kid. At least if I was in hell, I knew what I did wrong. Here, it's just days of silence and my own mind eating away at me while I try to find us a new place, and the deadline before he comes back feels a million miles away as much as it feels like it's right on top of me.

I don't think what you said was silly at all, nor does it read like you're making it about yourself. It helps a lot to have at least some frame of reference to go by, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that. These forums really are a lifesaver and everyone being so open and honest here is refreshing and so much better than having to wade through the "therapy speak" on other websites.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

It helps a lot to have at least some frame of reference to go by, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that. These forums really are a lifesaver and everyone being so open and honest here is refreshing and so much better than having to wade through the "therapy speak" on other websites.

Haha! Yep. It's like I don't feel quite so crazy, or at least, if I am, so is everyone else. Dealing with all this can be SO isolating.

You didn't do anything and you probably couldn't have prevented it, but that's a hard thing to come to terms with, because the lack of any kind of control (at least for me) is brutally hard.

Sent me flowers at work on Valentine's Day all the way from around the world. And then the switch flipped, he threw me in the dark for months, and THEN I found out about all of this all at once.

Mine sent me something on Valentine's Day every year for years and years, and (because he doesn't express his feelings a lot) it was the one special day where I always felt validated, and then this year - he acted like the day didn't even exist - just refused to acknowledge it. I can't say it didn't hurt. I think he's doing what he can do, but he can't do much right now.


One day at a time...

 

[hopefulrook]

I ended up writing him a letter of sorts with the note that he doesn't have to read it, respond, or even do anything with it if he even opens it.

One of the things he slighted me for was something I had been working on going to therapy for; I had intended to wait until he came home to talk to him about it because I didn't want him to deal with it while he was there. It wasn't something that necessarily would've been a major stress for him, but it was a topic that does affect us both and it was one of his supposed points of contention the night he brought up the divorce again.

So I just flat out told him I had been working on trying to get to a therapist and work on myself for a while now. My sense of self is very skewed due to trauma and I had "friends" who weren't really being friends, they were manipulative and encouraging me in a lot of self-destructive thought patterns. I told him I cut them out, because I did. It hurts to have done so, but they were fundamentally altering the way I saw myself, and not letting me confront my root issue. It was fun and games for them to watch me go through this phase because they saw it as some horrific "growth" cycle for me. All I was doing was alienating my sense of self and the reality of the situation; I am traumatized, and no amount of changing myself will fix that. This hollow feeling in my body is not because my body is broken or bad. It was wounded deeply, and instead of looking into why, I shoved it under the floorboards to rot until kingdom come.

In a way, being myself meant being vulnerable and afraid again. In all the time I've been grappling with this, I never got a chance to talk to him about it. All our opportunities to just be at peace around each other for the past two to three years have been haunted by physical separation, financial struggling, problems with our home and cars and more. On top of this pain we were both just sitting on and unable to share.

Maybe it's too late now. I told him I didn't expect a response or for him to even read it, and if he did read it, I didn't expect forgiveness or some mystical fix for what's happening. But it was eating me alive that I never got to show him what I was working on. I was proud of myself until he threw it in my face without knowing that I had been trying to "fix" it for such a long time now.

It's my fault for not saying something while he was here, yeah, but I also never knew he had an issue with it until it was far too late. For clarity's sake, a lot of this is tied up in identity and gender. Something he willingly walked through with me and never gave an indication that anything was amiss, despite me trying my best to check every step of the way. So it was incredibly hurtful to hear it brought up right after accusing me of cheating, but it makes me think that he's just grasping at straws to try and find ways to shake me loose. I didn't pursue any surgery or medication. Just changed the ways I refer to myself for a while until I recognized how violently off-track I really was in my thinking. I was scared that reverting to old ways of referring to myself would be annoying to him and decided to work on it while he was gone and I had time alone to get deep into my own brain where nobody else could get caught in the collateral.

Turns out that was stupid as hell. He never, ever gave me any indication that something was wrong when he was here. He encouraged me to be myself and that he would love me no matter what. And now here I am. Wondering what I could have done, or if it's too far gone or if maybe he'll read my letter. Maybe it is my fault and I'm just an idiot, but I don't know what I could've done differently when I tried to be as open and honest with him as possible and make sure he was okay with what I was doing. I don't know how I could've known how he felt if he didn't tell me when I asked. Our relationship seemed fine, we were affectionate and sweet to each other like we always had been, he had no mysterious or sudden aversion to me. So it feels like the same person who got in his head and told him I cheated must've pushed him into a similar line of thinking, and he's just flinging darts at me to see what hits and hurts the most.

I know when he would go off to his training camps for a couple weeks that he would sometimes come back with some pretty off-color comments (internet edgelord kind of stuff, unfortunately par for the Army course and ESPECIALLY with his yeehaw-ass unit), but I would just remind him he's been around a bunch of jackasses who don't know any better and he'd see how bad it sounded. He's in an echo chamber over there right now. They're probably feeding him a lot of things he doesn't need to hear.

 

[Friday]

It's my fault for not saying something while he was here, yeah, but I also never knew he had an issue with it until it was far too late. For clarity's sake, a lot of this is tied up in identity and gender. Something he willingly walked through with me and never gave an indication that anything was amiss, despite me trying my best to check every step of the way. So it was incredibly hurtful to hear it brought up right after accusing me of cheating, but it makes me think that he's just grasping at straws to try and find ways to shake me loose. I didn't pursue any surgery or medication. Just changed the ways I refer to myself for a while until I recognized how violently off-track I really was in my thinking. I was scared that reverting to old ways of referring to myself would be annoying to him and decided to work on it while he was gone and I had time alone to get deep into my own brain where nobody else could get caught in the collateral.

Just to clarify/ make sure I understand… You’re talking about transitioning? If so, that’s death of a child level of relationship ender. FAR more than the “sometimes” of PTSD or combat deployments, it’s a “nearly all” relationships end when one partner transitions.

 

[Movingforward10]

You both have been through a lot. All the things you lost from the last few years. The way you wrote about it all, it sounds very intense and likely to rock most relationships, never mind one where there is combat PTSD and the other person has past traumas.


You both have been through a lot and life is throwing more stuff.


I find it really interesting that you have this view that people outside your relationship (yoir ex friends and the person in your husband's life), are dictating what is happening to you and your relationship. Is that really the case? You both have minds and are your own people.
If it is the case that other people have this power over both of you and influence your relationship, then working on why that is will really help as how can a relationship survive that?

It sounds like you questioning your gender and identity is something he supported and helped with. I don't know what he said to you about it just before he accused you of cheating. And maybe he is regretful of it, maybe he isn't. Maybe he was thinking through what transitioning meant for him. I'm gay and have had friends who have split up because one transitioned. Not because they were against the transition and didn't love the other person still, but actually because how it impacted them and their identity. The one who didn't transition identifies as a lesbian and it was too much for her as her identity was important to her, and she didn't see herself being in a heterosexual relationship. So, maybe it was something like that? Not a problem of you doing it but the impact of what it means for him and his identity.

 

[hopefulrook]

Just to clarify/ make sure I understand… You’re talking about transitioning? If so, that’s death of a child level of relationship ender. FAR more than the “sometimes” of PTSD or combat deployments, it’s a “nearly all” relationships end when one partner transitions.

This was why I never pursued medical or even social transition beyond a few select friends. I recognize it is something that can destroy a relationship, but we had already been through the conversations of what would happen if I HAD done so and even then, he was supportive and gave me every indication he wanted to stay. He shared my views and even helped me and encouraged me.

It’s not to say people don’t change their minds, but him weaponizing it and even putting words in my mouth about it was what was most shocking and hurtful. It’s not something I dropped on him out of the blue or at the last second. So if he did change his mind, my overarching point was that a surprise right hook like this was not the way to go about it and it feels so, so unlike him to speak about me the way he is.

The entire reason I think someone else is influencing him is because I know for a fact someone convinced him I cheated and I know who it was. And there’s no telling what else they told him while he’s in a vulnerable place. If it was so easy to convince him of something so horrible about me that he KNOWS I wouldn’t do, to the point he gave up and didn’t bother to confront me, and KNOWING his bunkmates are Reddit edgelords who mock anyone and everyone (“pronouns in bio? Opinion invalidated” types), there’s no telling what he’s thinking. Or what they’ve said about me. I’ve even personally heard one of them mock one of his friends bc his partner is non-binary like me.

 

[hopefulrook]

This isn’t a situation where it was recent either. It’s been more than 3 years since we started having discussions about ourselves and the things he was saying to me were so nonsensical that I can’t even put it to words.

I wanted to edit to say that he’s also been open with me about how he doesn’t care about labels or quite literally anything to do with sexual identity or gender identity. He isn’t at all a tradition-valuing person. As for how people outside our relationship were influencing either of us, I know it comes from us both being vulnerable to people we thought were our friends. We were apart so, so much the last two years. I made online friends who were toxic. He’s been around a group of people he can’t escape in barracks that I know are deeply toxic as I have heard the things they say and have the receipts for how they speak about their wives and partners and friends around him. Logically, it shouldn’t be easy to sway someone on how they feel about their partners that way, but he was already hurting. He’s in physical pain as well as mental because he’s dealing with a major injury on top of all of this. It’s not an excuse for the other ways he’s been treating me. But he said it himself that he can’t get away from them and even admitted to me a long time ago that he hates how his unit holds a lot of very bigoted and shitty views. There’s absolutely no telling what they’ve fed him to make him say such off-the-wall things to me. He wasn’t even texting like himself, as silly as that sounds.

 

[hopefulrook]

If he really has changed his mind or has come to a point where he doesn't think he can be with me for these reasons, this is still not the way to go about leaving me or treating me. I opened up here to admit this because I do think there is a layer to it that matters in the grand scheme of this entire nightmare. That being said, I'm afraid it's going to be the only thing people focus on in the conversation now that I've been open about it and I need to express how strong we were and solid before all of this happened. In fact, I felt like we were even stronger just before he left. I was confident we could get through this deployment and had no reason to suspect he had any wavering feelings about me. I don't want everyone to hyper-focus on that one element, because it is just one layer to this whole problem.

I really want to be clear that the overarching problem is everything I've described previously. This is just an extra thing that feels even more out of character and extra hurtful. If his feelings for me have changed, then they seem like they literally changed overnight and pulling the rug out from under me on top of letting someone convince him I cheated and then hitting me with it out of the blue is still violently uncharacteristic of him no matter how you slice it.

Right now, everything is starting to feel like it's my fault and I'm spiraling. I've pushed too much for answers and I regret even sending him the letter. I regret everything. I'm hurting in a way I can't express to anyone. I sent him a message to ask if he would call me out of desperation and I'm feeling so, so stupid for doing so, but I also feel like he has absolutely no regard for how I feel. I don't think he CAN and I don't blame him for it, but I'm making it worse. How do I just let go of 10 years, how do I just lay down and take it when he's saying such irrational things about me to his friends. He cut my feet out from under me and I never got a single chance to defend myself or explain.

Logically, I get that I may never get that chance or get the answers. But I'm hurting so much and so desperate to help or show him that it's not how he thinks it is. Yes, I know he can't be shown that right now. I'm in a tailspin and I think the best thing for me to do is shut myself out of everything. I can't deal with it anymore or with myself. I can't handle the thought of him dropping me like a used napkin after 10 years over things he never told me were a problem, if they even ARE a problem and he's not just pulling stuff out of the aether to try and shake me loose. I can't handle the thought of me being the problem and unknowingly sabotaging us this entire time. Why wouldn't he say something. He always promised he would be honest if it came to that. That's why this doesn't make sense.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't want everyone to hyper-focus on that one element, because it is just one layer to this whole problem.

It absolutely sounds like it is one thing in the mix of all the other things, rather than "the" thing.
And one more thing that feels confusing for you given how he was before and how he is now.

everything is starting to feel like it's my fault and I'm spiraling. I

You have every right to express your needs. And to get them met.
I see a lot of supporters here thinking things are their fault and that "if only they didn't express ABC then the partner wouldn't have done XYZ". And that's where sometimes being triggered and in a not well mental place , and the partner needing something or being at the end of their tether is just in conflict with each other. It's a sad state of affairs.

I hope that he communicates properly with you at some point. You deserve it.