General When Does It Become About Us?

[Andrea42]

Hi everyone,
Im glad we are able to discuss this topic because i am at the point where i cannot do anything right...cant say anything right... im just not perfect enough or whatever...and i know i do wrong still but this is all very new to me and my husband does not seem to understand that, and it hurts so bad because he makes me feel like such a screwup in which i kinda am but i really am trying!!

 

[Deleted member 3]

Andrea,

If you are not feeling okay about you, anything negative thing your husband says will make you feel bad. This is another of the lessons that I had to learn and I am still dealing with some of my own issues which were making feel less than worthy. That is not to say that it doesn't still bite, some of those comments are directed at you and there is no way that you can not take them to heart.

Like I said at the start of this post, sometimes I get tired of being the support person and just want to be supported myself. Its a lesson that we all have to learn I guess, give to ourselves first so we have plenty left over to give to others. Its easy to get caught up in the give, give, give but it gets damn tiring. It would be nice to have a hug or smile or a 'goodmorning' without having to prompt or being disappointed because you expected it and it didn't happen.

 

[superd]

Hey Kerrie-Ann

Man does your post ever sum it up!!!! I know this is horrible, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting with the past so hard that it is ruining our present...at what point do we as supporters say it's just not worth it for either of us? If we have those thoughts, and I know we do, does guilt keep us around? Do we wonder if they better off on their own learning to overcome their personal demons without the responsibility of holding up half a marriage at the same time?

Reminds me of a house we bought once...it was an old one that needed restoration. We thought we could live in it and restore it at the same time...didn't work and we almost divorced over it! From that point on, we swore to never buy an old home unless we could move in that day...sort of an apt analogy, especially when the spouse isn't aware of the PTSD when he/she says "I do"!!!

 

[Deleted member 3]

I know this is horrible, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting with the past so hard that it is ruining our present...at what point do we as supporters say it's just not worth it for either of us? I

Reminds me of a house we bought once...it was an old one that needed restoration. We thought we could live in it and restore it at the same time...didn't work and we almost divorced over it! From that point on, we swore to never buy an old home unless we could move in that day...sort of an apt analogy, especially when the spouse isn't aware of the PTSD when he/she says "I do"!!!

Superd,

Its not horrible. Its human. I have never thought about it like that before but you are right. Its like they are so steeped in their pain and trauma that they miss the sunshine of today. I used to drag and sometimes still do, drag Anthony's ass out of bed because I refused to accept that someone could waste their lives so. I would be liar if I said that I had not asked myself the question about whether to stay or go many a time. Your the only one who can decide that for you. In my case, guilt is not the reason I stay, I genuinely love Anthony and I also now have children to consider. Not that I would stay only for the sake of the children. If it got to a point where I felt I had to leave to save myself, I would make sure that we had some amicable arrangement for the children. We brought them into this world and we are both responsible for their wellbeing. Sometimes it may not be worth it for you to stay, if you are in danger of losing who you are. As for our partners with PTSD, they would have to learn to cope.

I do like your renovator house analogy. I can't use that as an excuse though, I knew something was not right when we married and I still chose to marry him. So, sometimes the only person I have the luxury of kicking is me. I chose to put me here and I have to deal with whatever that brings. A little different in your case. As for buying a house like that, individually I am sure Anthony and I would like to but we have agreed that the stress would be too much. We have decided to build when we finally settle and already we are looking at strategies to manage that!!

 

[superd]

Ha!

Hope you have the stomach for it!! Just make sure you don't live there while you do it...learned that lesson the hard way. The fact that you love your husband is shown time and time agin in the posts that you make...I've read them along with the others. And you are right, I think it is up to the individual as to when they've come to the end of their rope! I guess for me, I have to wonder sometimes if love by itself is enough...for now it is. Later, ???

 

[Deleted member 3]

Yeah I wonder myself whether love is enough. Its a tough road that we are walking but at least for me, my family would confirm that I never do things the easy way!

 

[medicchick]

Like I said at the start of this post, sometimes I get tired of being the support person and just want to be supported myself. Its a lesson that we all have to learn I guess, give to ourselves first so we have plenty left over to give to others. Its easy to get caught up in the give, give, give but it gets damn tiring. It would be nice to have a hug or smile or a 'goodmorning' without having to prompt or being disappointed because you expected it and it didn't happen.

This pretty much sums up how I feel. I get sick of having to ask for affection, even just a hug. Some times I want to whom him over the head to get one, but then I think better.:tongue:

 

[Andrea42]

I second that medicchick!! :-) hehe
why does it become to hard to just get a hug? i hate it and it makes me so sad when i always have to ask for one (and believe me i have to ask ALL the time usually, i even say goodnight and get nothing in return) or like Kerrie-Ann says about being disappointed because one expects it and nothing happens...makes me feel so low.... i am unable to get used to this...and i refuse....
Ive told him so many times that i feel i give give give!!! and get nothing in return and he gets defensive :-( what the heck! grrr ohh well...im just venting i guess :-) Have a good day everyone!

 

[desert4now]

Hello All,
You have all said what I was just feeling and thinking. I'm exhausted from carrying the load. It's lonely too. I haven't been hugged for a long time. He'll go in streaks where he can be affectionate and then it is a long dry spell before he can get back to that. What is prompting that? Something I do? I just love it when he criticizes something I'm doing yet he can't get off the couch to do anything? I swear I want to just explode but I don't...I'm afraid I might. Well, we are in this together and as usual writing helps but it really helps to know you are all there finding ways to deal with this too. Good luck all and hang in there!

 

[jods]

Hi All

A big cyber hug to u all! I must be lucky because my hubby still is affectionate with me so I'm enjoying it while I can!
Hubby did say that while he was on avanza he didn't feel like hugs that often but since he's on efexor he said that he feels closer to me again. Maybe its the meds stuffing with their ability to "feel" close to us, I dont know?!
Hope everyone is taking time to do something that makes them smile.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hey desert4now,

I too am one of those spouses who isn't on the receiving end of too much intimacy. If you understand it please enlighten me. I know some of it is to do with the PTSD (emotional intimacy which they are generally not very good at) but in my husband's case I think it is also part of his makeup. His family are not what you would call very affectionate or very close for that matter. I am the opposite, my family always do the hugs, kisses and 'I love you's' which makes it awful hard on me sometimes. If you're having a long spell, honey I am in drought!!

I would like it to change but I really don't know if it will and to that end I sometimes wonder how do you live like this for the rest of your life? It could be fine for others but I tend to be an affectionate beast and the only one who really gets that in our house is Alexander (the toddler) and the cats - rejection is never to far away otherwise and sometimes my heart just can't take it. I find that it has less visible emotional impact if I just don't put myself out there, which of course is contributing to our drought.

I suggest that if the person with PTSD is willing to work on their emotional relationships it could be resolved and that I think is the key.......like anything that requires healing, you have to be willing to do the work. Perhaps, they get to a point where they are so damn comfortable or comfortable in their discomfort that emotional intimacy is just too confronting. I imagine that it would be, in some ways, the worst part of their journey because they not only have to confront their own emotions but be prepared to be confronted with someone elses as well. I don't know that I have shed any light on it for you but at least you know that you are not alone.

 

[desert4now]

Hi Kerrie-Ann,
We just finished a big move...again and I apologize for being out of touch.

I too am an affectionate person. My family is very affectionate and say "I love you", hug, kiss, smile, are friendly....you know..NORMAL!!!! My daughter lives with us and her and I hug all the time because, right now, we are all we got! Hubby has shut down. His family is also not very close or affectionate so I really can relate to you.

Hubby has new job, we are back in the Midwest, and closer to home, family, and friends. Before we left our previous location, hubby kept saying, things will get better after we move. Well, once I found us a place to live, put everything away and organized our life again, got my daughter back in school...its not any better. In fact, I think he sunk even further. I had to do everything and he just sat there and didn't move...didn't even act like he felt the least bit guilty! OH so frustrating!! But you know, I would do all the work again if I thought he would come out of it ...even a little. My daughter notices it now and says things like she's not going to get married because all men have issues they can't deal with (her dad's an alcoholic and now step dad has PTSD..boy can I pick them!). Ugh! When is it going to get better and when is he (they) ever going to see how this affects everyone else in their life?? I know he doesn't want to be this way..but why not try to get better? He knows he has PTSD but just won't get help.

Sorry I'm ranting but I needed to. When will it ever be about me? What is it in me that somehow attracts men with these difficult issues? When will I learn??

How do you do it everyday?? What keeps you going??