General When Does It Become About Us?

[Deleted member 3]

Hi Kerrie-Ann,
We just finished a big move...again and I apologize for being out of touch.

We will be doing that next week. Thank god it is just down the road!!

I too am an affectionate person. My family is very affectionate and say "I love you", hug, kiss, smile, are friendly....you know..NORMAL!!!! My daughter lives with us and her and I hug all the time because, right now, we are all we got! Hubby has shut down. His family is also not very close or affectionate so I really can relate to you.

Yeah, this drives me nuts about my husbands family. This weekend his brother is having his 40th birthday party and nobody thought to invite us!! We ended up paying more than we should have for airfares, to fly Anthony up to Brisbane to surprise his brother. But I just don't get it. My family just wouldn't do that, simply because they would be busting their butt to see me and the family. I'm not saying it is wrong, well wrong for them anyway, they are comfortable with it. Still drives me crazy though.

When is it going to get better and when is he (they) ever going to see how this affects everyone else in their life?? I know he doesn't want to be this way..but why not try to get better? He knows he has PTSD but just won't get help.

As hard as it is to believe, I think they do see the impact on those around them and it just adds to their guilt and burden. That doesn't excuse it mind you, I am not big on allowing PTSD as an excuse. I'm with you on this one, if they know they have PTSD and its impacting on others then its get the hell of your butt and do something about it. Different story if you don't know that you have PTSD. Have you told him to get off his butt and do something about it?

Sorry I'm ranting but I needed to. When will it ever be about me? What is it in me that somehow attracts men with these difficult issues? When will I learn??

Ranting is good. Go hard, releases stress, makes you feel better, doesn't add to the home conflict.

How do you do it everyday?? What keeps you going??

I struggle, somedays, as does every spouse. I am getting a tougher shell, working on my own self-esteem, have learned that retreat is often better than fighting and to tell my husband in a no bs way when he ticks me off. I don't take nearly as much rubbish from him as I used to, but then I don't dish as much out either. The fact that I love the beast, my boy loves his Daddy, his boy loves his Dad and we have one on the way also makes me stay and keep going. I feel strongly about keeping my family together, if it can be done safely. I also believe that children need both their parents (if possible) but not always necessarily in the same house.....depends on the home environment.........I guess that's what keeps me going. Sure I miss all of that intimacy too, I have faith that it can get even better than this. If you could see where we started and where we are today, you would understand. You see I have never known Anthony without PTSD.

 

[jods]

I'm with Kerrie-Ann about loving "my boys" and will do what I can to keep us together as a family. No matter what life throws at us, I know my family is worth it!

Not sure if this is relavant to most of the spouses or not but in light of my newfound experience of PTSD I have learnt that I had to do one important thing. I had to grieve for the husband that I had. I know that he is not the same man he was prior to the incident that has caused his PTSD. Since I have done this I have be able to work on getting to know & grow with my new husband. It's a new thing for him too as I have also changed as a result of dealing with our new lifestyle. As long as we keep working together I'm sure that in time we will have a deeper love for each other than we both thought was possible.

 

[desert4now]

Thanks for your view points. I'm so glad I found this place!!

 

[Deleted member 3]

Not sure if this is relavant to most of the spouses or not but in light of my newfound experience of PTSD I have learnt that I had to do one important thing. I had to grieve for the husband that I had. I know that he is not the same man he was prior to the incident that has caused his PTSD.

Thanks for that Jods. Its well put. I never really think of it from that perspective simply because I met Anthony with PTSD, so I don't know any differently. Its really relevant for spouses whose partners have changed as a result of PTSD though. I imagine that it would be hard not to get wound up in what you don't have anymore, and lose sight of where you have to go. It really is a grieving process, letting the past go and allowing yourself the freedom of moving forward. Lets face it, if you love them there really isn't another option.

 

[Jen]

Well put Jods but it would be nice to have the old hubby back wouldnt it? But thats not going to happen my hubby said tonight that he is hesitant about doing the PTSD course and doesnt really want to do it. I said I dont often put my foot down but if he wants to save our marriage I will drag him there by his balls if I have to:mad: I dont want him stressing about it already he doesnt start for another 4 weeks I dont want him stewing about it yet!
Jen

 

[Deleted member 3]

Jen,

You may have to do just that........once he is there he will realise its the best thing that he could have done. Its just getting him there. He will stress about it and increase his anxiety but don't let that put you off. Be firm with him, he needs a boot in the ass. We can both see that. Good on you for standing up to his bs besides he's already suffered the trauma, it can't get any worse than that. If he has to relive some of the trauma this time he is at home, in a safe environment with people who love and care for him. Remind him of that........often, it will sink in eventually.

 

[Jen]

Hi Kerri Anne

I have a feeling it is going to be a struggle. As I said to him in our marriage which is 25 years next month I have put up with a lot but I am putting my foot down about this I insist that he does this clinic for us! We cant go on living like this or life is going to get pretty lonely I am not going to grow old with someone who doesnt want to help himself patience wears thin after a while.
Jen

 

[Deleted member 3]

Yep, Jen, I think you are right. After putting up with this for 25 years I think you have a right to say enough is enough. You've sure got more patience than me, I tolerated it for two 1/2 years and that was enough for me. You are also a lot more polite than I was with Anthony, but he's a lot younger and very pig headed. Only way to deal with him is straight up. I didn't even bother insisting, it was basically VVCS card, deal with it or I'm out of here. Like you, I point blank refuse to waste my life with someone who knows they have an illness but won't help themselves heal. You both deserve better!! Please keep us posted as to how you are both going, keep strong, I'm in your corner.

 

[jods]

Good on you Jen! I'm hoping your hubby realises what a wonderful wife you are & you are thinking about your future together rather than staying stuck in the past with his fears. Big Hugs to you!

Kerrie-Ann, you are an amazing woman! I don't think that many people would be brave enough to take on a partner with PTSD. At least you could see beyond all the bs of the illness & see the man you love. That is an amazing gift & I hope Anthony realises how lucky he is to have you & your boy & boo.

 

[desert4now]

I agree 100% with Jods, Anthony is a lucky guy. Good luck to all!

 

[Jen]

Thank you for your support everyone it means a lot!
Jen

 

[Deleted member 3]

Kerrie-Ann, you are an amazing woman! I don't think that many people would be brave enough to take on a partner with PTSD. At least you could see beyond all the bs of the illness & see the man you love. That is an amazing gift & I hope Anthony realises how lucky he is to have you & your boy & boo.

Jods,

Thanks for the kind words. It really wasn't a case of being brave, simply a case of no choice. I was scared that he would tell me to go, as he had many times before but it was different this time.......I was serious in my resolve to have some action or I really was gone. Maybe he could see that or maybe it was blind luck and he was ready to seek help. Whichever of those it is I don't care. I loved him then, as I do now but you have to draw the line between love and self-punishment. It was a gamble and it paid off but I wouldn't suggest anyone try that path unless you really are prepared to go. Anyhow, I'm going to point your post out to him.