Biggest Dilemma Of My Life - Cut Parent(s?) Off Before Or After Birth Of Baby?

[HëllaBubz]

As many of you know, I'm pregnant, now 28 weeks, 2 days (read 7 months). I had the absolute privilege of starting with a new therapist about 5-6 weeks ago, and it has been such a wonderful help.
After a few sessions, and talking with her, I've now come a full 6 year circle back to the same spot - almost.
I do not want anything to do with my father, and I do not want him around my child.

He is obviously not exactly the same person that I knew when I was at home, however he was, without a shadow of a doubt, a physically and emotionally abusive person.

The smallest action or behavior from him that is indicative of the past is a HUGE trigger, dealing with him in an uneventful situation is greatly triggering, talking about him is triggering, and thinking about him is enough to affect my mood and thought processes.

2 weeks ago, I was discussing things with my therapist, and then my partner, about my father that I cannot handle, and was worrying about when the baby will land and the inevitable guests would start to visit. 2 things struck me over that Wed and Thurs;

1. I don't actually HAVE to let anyone visit me or the baby, there is no such thing as inevitable.
2. It doesn't matter WHAT I list as things that aren't acceptable to discuss around or about me, if a person is an abuser, they will find a host of new ways to trigger you that you haven't thought of, therefore wasting energy.

So, with that in mind, I made the life altering decision to cut my father out of my life, and told my partner as such.

He does not believe it can be done and that something will happen, rather than cutting my father off I should write a letter which lists inappropriate behavior, and an ultimatum that would indeed cut him off, should he decide to overstep the mark again.

You cannot ever close off loopholes with someone who self justifies themselves into a complete circle, bringing them back to step 1 where they think it's fine. And I do not believe in having the stress of him possibly (inevitably) overstepping his mark hanging over my head.

Writing a letter which lists my problems with his behavior is not going to be a catalyst for change either, if he has spent 23 years reinforcing the waterproof belief that what he did was fine, and what he does is fine, then this letter cannot be an ultimatum, it needs to be a final consequence.
If the very sight, sound and thought of him is a trigger, then something he does is going to pose a serious problem.

If you want a little bit of history over the past 7 months, have a look at the below links to other threads, the last one is a conversation with my mother on Saturday, and it has now got me thinking as to whether or not I should include my mother in this letter that I'm drafting.

Here is my dilemma, I have an engagement party/baby shower on the 13th of Oct, and the baby is due on the 28th of November.
Should I let them see the grandchild once, with my other half, and I'll step out with a friend whilst they are there, and then give them the letter? When should I do this?

I honestly don't know what would be appropriate timing, but something tells me that I should let them see the baby once, and that's it.

I'm not asking for solutions here, but rather ideas, thoughts and personal experiences that I can use to form my own decision.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/pregnancy-medical-professionals-and-ptsd.33166/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/a-letter-to-family-and-friends-before-another-life-starts.36456/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-family-is-intent-on-breaking-me.36856/

 

[Leah123]

My emotions were all much more intense after giving birth. I was more easily upset, frightened, angered, etc. It's partly hormonal, partly the result of being responsible for a little life, and partly the result of being partially incapacitated from giving birth and not sleeping well. Those things are all basically inevitable: all mothers experience them, though, I am sure, to varying degrees. If you allow your parents to see your vulnerable newborn while you are also feeling vulnerable, I would expect it to be more difficult than you imagine, though of course, it's a personal, complicated potential event which I can't know enough about you from the forum to reasonably gauge.

I also worry a great deal about the effect of the stress on your newborn if you confront this difficult, unpredictable event after the child is born, rather than dealing with it head on, now, while life is simpler.

In addition to my general experience post-preganancy, I will tell you that because I wanted to keep my little brother in my life, and my only access to him was through my verbally and emotionally abusive mother (not my main abuser but plenty bad enough), and because I did not anticipate the situation well enough, I did allow her to see my newborn daughter and she stayed with us a few days (She lives out of state.). That was terrible. It was difficult and made a joyful but already stressful time more stressful.

It's a tough choice. I recommend you trust your intuition.

 

[Venusian]

I think it all comes down to what is best for your child. Will your child be safe letting your father still be a part of your life, do you trust him not to step over those new boundaries? You have no obligation to your parents to let them anywhere near your child if they are not safe. They have to live with the consequences of their past actions and if they have not changed your obligation is to your child and to keep your child safe.

It shows your compassion that you are thinking about this and that you want to have a happy family life but once you see that little child and hold him or her and see how delicate he/she is that maternal instinct will really kick in and you will know. If they are not safe and you want your parents to see the baby, send them a picture.

 

[Leah123]

P.S. I am sorry for sounding a little preachy: I know you said you just wanted personal experiences, and I tried, but guess you can tell I feel a little strongly about it. Honestly though, as you know, the best thing is to ignore advice, like you said, and just take it all in and trust your gut, imho.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Unfortunately, something tells me that I've done all I can for my sister.
My brother is out of home, has a fabulously strong bond with me, and we really enjoy our time together.

I don't think I'll be able to handle the stress of dealing with them, and if I do let them see bubs, it will really feel like I'm throwing my child to the wolves. My parent's will be perfectly fine around my baby, but it's the damage done to me that is the biggest concern.

I need to function in order to take care of my baby, and I can't do that if I'm triggered and recovering from a C section. And even if I did let my mother in to see the child, it is inevitable that she would start something about me not letting my father see the child, and I don't need that stress.

Is all good Leah, everyone is a sounding board right now, but your message did help refine my thought process a little.

 

[Leah123]

I see my parents very much as wolves, I can't tell you how much that resonates with me. My mother still visits me sometimes, and I feel terrible when she interacts with my daughter. I try to watch them like a hawk, and minimize contact as much as possible without losing access to my little brother, who's 14 and needs me. It's tough. I wish you the absolute very best with your lovely baby and appreciate how hard you're thinking about such a momentous decision.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Putting yourself first is often an act of great courage, such as in times like these.

Our time with others is a gift and we choose who we want to give it to. If they aren't likely to receive it in the way an adult gift recipient would, it's sometimes best to give it to someone else.

Whatever you choose, it is your life and health, and your baby's. I made the mistake of trying to mend fences with my alcoholic day only to have him put my baby's life and my hubby's at risk. But, since he was drunk, I excused it. Only when I was preggers with my second and he told me and my hubby that he never wanted me did it hit me. Having to work harder on a relationship than the other person, at the risk of my own sanity and health, has no upside.

He never got to see me or my kids again. I have no regrets. He didn't get any more chances to try to manipulate me and when family kept trying to give him yet more chances, I stood my ground. I told them "I didn't ask for your input. My relationship is between me and my father. Never bring this up to me again or I'll not be around you."

Go with your gut. You can always change your mind.

 

[Candleflames]

Leah and Venusian have brought up some really good points. It's all about doing what's best for your new baby and giving birth will make you feel more vulnerable and sensitive. I'm going to add that the best way to do what's best for baby and keep him/her safe is to take special care of the mommy. You being the mommy. If you need for your parents to not be around so you can be the mom you want to be, then that's what you get. You and hubbie set the rules.

So I have two personal stories for you as I have cut off contact with half of my family.

I have very minimal contact with my dad and his wife. They were both abusive towards me growing up. My dad has kinda tried to make amends. I also had a brother and sister through them. My sister is still alive and I didn't want to loose her too so I've maintained contact. They live 3000 miles away so keeping it minimal has been pretty easy. I send pictures and call about 4-5 times a year. We do brave an actual visit occasionally. The last one was 5 years ago. So my children are to never be alone with any of them and that takes some effort but is doable. We also don't visits for more than 5 days at a time. It's very stressful and I couldn't handle any of it while in my postpartum period. I needed someone to advocate for me and enforce the rules that were set up before the first baby was born. I also had problems with nursing for a few days around and during visits. I think all the stress hormones messed with my milk production.

Just before the birth of my third I had been trying to connect with my mom, for like 9 years. It took me that long to realize she just didn't care and she only kept in contact with me so someone would take my brothers on weekends. Which I did regularly and tried as hard as I could to minimize the damage of her verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative boyfriend. In the end I realized that I had to put myself and my children first and cut off contact. I was 8 months prego when I did. My mother has never seen my daughter. I don't regret it one bit. If there was one thing I could do differently it would be trying harder to get children and family services involved.

I am curious about the idea of letting your parents see the baby once and then cutting off ties. I'm not sure how I would have approached my mom to tell her she could see the new baby just once and then I'm done with her. Or were you not planning on telling them anything? Just pretend it's the first in a long line of visits? I think you are genuinely coming from a place of compassion to want to do it this way, to give them something. It just seems more hurtful this way to me. My personal perspective is that it would actually be kinder to cut off ties earlier rather than later. Not that I'm against giving a little something back to the parents for all the pain they've already caused.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Bubzilla -

Like other's have already said, I think the focus should be on you, the baby and your family - Can you ask yourself what do you need to lead a calm, healthy and happy life?

I also think this is the time to allow yourself to lean on your hubby and brother for support to begin achieving the family life that you want now and in the future. You're all grown up now - You have the ability, the right, to choose the type of family life you want to build and to choose who is in your inner family - whether those people be blood relative or close friends. My suggestion is to discuss with your hubby these three things:

1. The shower - If there is anyone on the list that you truly don't want there, don't invite them or disinvite them. Yep! I said it! Ask your hubby to do the calling. He is there for you (or should be) and all he need say is that you're under stress and feel the need to cut things back in your (plural) lives to make things simpler and less stressful. Any person whose worthy of being family or friend will understand, and will not hold it against you. The others who feel offended, well, their lack of understanding and self-centeredness will be evidence of not being real family or real friend. You should never feel the need to remove yourself from your home, an event that honors you, or an event that you've planned, i.e. your child's birth, because of someone else's presence or wishes that are different than your own.
2. The birth (or soon thereafter) - Likewise, you're under no obligation to see anyone or allow anyone to visit with your child that you don't want to - It really is best for you and the child to surround yourself with as much love and happiness as you can. If your father and/or mother (and sister) can't provide that, then so be it - let them moan and groan (away from you). They will live, and may eventually settle down and decide alternatives you provide are better than nothing. If your folks don't live too far, after the delivery (and things have settled down) maybe your hubby can take the child for a quick 15 minute visit and you stay home and take a nice bath :-)
3. Later, later - because of how you've spoke about the negative influence your father may have on your child, again, I would enlist the help of hubby to navigate short visits - not in your home. Your home is your sanctuary. It is where you nurture yourself and your immediate loved ones in the deepest and most direct way - don't defile it with "bad" energy.

From what you've described, if I were in your shoes, I would not send a letter. Doing so may be cathartic for you or a kind of closure, but a letter (especially if its long) could just be more fuel that they will pick apart and which you won't be in a place to defend. Catharsis and/or closure could come by writing a letter but not delivering it - instead, in your letter say everything you want to say then pick a time and a place (a river, creek, etc.) take the letter, say "Good-bye" to it (and the crap of the past) light it on fire and give it to nature to deal with.

I liked what BloomWinter said about putting yourself first being an act of great courage - It's also about being compassionate with yourself first . . . Hoped this helped.

:hug:
Drew

 

[HëllaBubz]

maybe your hubby can take the child for a quick 15 minute visit and you stay home and take a nice bath

Hmmmm......no, don't want them around my child. How is it less triggering if the one thing I want to protect in the world is away from me and in the presence of the people that hurt me.

I would enlist the help of hubby to navigate short visits - not in your home.

Hmmmm.....no. Like I said above.

in your letter say everything you want to say then pick a time and a place (a river, creek, etc.) take the letter, say "Good-bye" to it (and the crap of the past) light it on fire and give it to nature to deal with.

It is unhealthy to have to constantly vent about something that constantly triggers you. Therapy is about dealing with triggers, and learning what is healthy. Since their behavior won't stop around me, and will keep triggering me, then I choose to stay away, and make them stay away from me.

Having to work harder on a relationship than the other person, at the risk of my own sanity and health, has no upside.

Well, yes. Nothing I can add to that.

Never bring this up to me again or I'll not be around you

That is going to be part of my letter also.

 

[Sterre]

I need to function in order to take care of my baby, and I can't do that if I'm triggered and recovering from a C section. And even if I did let my mother in to see the child, it is inevitable that she would start something about me not letting my father see the child, and I don't need that stress..

You are right, you dont need that stress after giving birth. I think you have found your own answer here.

I cut of all family ties on and off in the last couple of years. I have a child who I love dearly and I want to protect her from my family and all the things that they do. Or dont do, actually. When my child was 2 years old I decided that she had the right to have a grandmother, and I thought that I could seperate my feelings towards my mother, with her role as being a grandmother for my child. But I couldnt. I got triggered all the time after her short visits, and it made me confused and unstable to be around her and to watch her interacting with my child.

Yesterday my child asked why she has a grandmother she never sees anymore, and again I am doubting to make contact once again.

It's pretty difficult, but the main focus should be on yourself ( your emotional health and stability) and on your soon to be born child.

You will be a loving mother, goodluck with this.

 

[Sterre]

I need to function in order to take care of my baby, and I can't do that if I'm triggered and recovering from a C section. And even if I did let my mother in to see the child, it is inevitable that she would start something about me not letting my father see the child, and I don't need that stress..

You are right, you dont need that stress after giving birth. I think you have found your own answer here.

I cut of all family ties on and off in the last couple of years. I have a child who I love dearly and I want to protect her from my family and all the things that they do. Or dont do, actually. When my child was 2 years old I decided that she had the right to have a grandmother, and I thought that I could seperate my feelings towards my mother, with her role as being a grandmother for my child. But I couldnt. I got triggered all the time after her short visits, and it made me confused and unstable to be around her and to watch her interacting with my child.

Yesterday my child asked why she has a grandmother she never sees anymore, and again I am doubting to make contact once again.

It's pretty difficult, but the main focus should be on yourself ( your emotional health and stability) and on your soon to be born child.

You will be a loving mother, goodluck with this.