Biggest Dilemma Of My Life - Cut Parent(s?) Off Before Or After Birth Of Baby?

[HëllaBubz]

Yesterday my child asked why she has a grandmother she never sees anymore, and again I am doubting to make contact once again.

My thoughts are to find people that I will consider to have as godparents, rather than grandparents. What do you think about that idea?

 

[Sterre]

Thats an excellent idea Bubzilla! I have thought of that when I was pregnant, and created such a relationship with a friend of mine. Unfortunatly that friend can not fullfil that role anymore, and I dont know how to create another relationship like that.

I dont have a very large social circle.

 

[shell]

I had to cut my off parents a year ago, but because I had allowed them access to my son for years, it was also removing his grandparents, who had never abused him.

I had to make the decision to allow them phone contact with him for birthdays and christmas which has created a very sad situation for him, through no fault of his own.

If I had my time again I would not allowed him contact with them, but at the time I was in total denial of the on going emotional abuse that was still occurring, he couldn't miss what he never had.

What ever decision you make, it's important with a new born to remain calm, so that you can bond with your baby.

 

[p-no]

Two things came to mind when I read this thread.

The first is, when I cut off my mother, it was a process. I was 19 when the process started and it took years. It took years because every time, after a long while (months) of having cut her off, she had showed changed behaviour so I decided to open up to her again. Bad mistake, as it turned out that every single time, the "change" of behaviour was no real change, but an adaption of her behaviour to make me believe she had changed and to let her back in. As soon as she was back in she was back to her own normal -- which had me cut her off again. As I never had a "real" mother (loving, kind, caring...), the longing for one had never ceased, which is the real reason why I let her back in each time. What I am getting at is: Delaying the cutting off does not spare you any of the pain and hurt and desperateness and whatever else you feel. All it does is delay it. By delaying it, by letting my mother back in several times, I think now, in hindsight, I actually increased the pain, hurt, desperateness, etc.

The second things is that my life has been A LOT better ever since making that final cut. The pain that had come with the cutting off was there for a long while, but the pain that had been present by the abuse was gone. And that has made all the difference ever since. It was worth it for me and my life. It has amazed me thinking about it before writing this post, all that stress gone from my life had left room for positive experiences.

Just my 2 cents. Wishing you well.

 

[DMerish]

DMerish said: ↑ maybe your hubby can take the child for a quick 15 minute visit and you stay home and take a nice bathClick to expand... Hmmmm......no, don't want them around my child. How is it less triggering if the one thing I want to protect in the world is away from me and in the presence of the people that hurt me.

Bub - I suggested this because something in your original post ^ led me to believe you were thinking about allowing your parents to meet the baby once, after it's birth. I also got the impression from another post that although you don't want to have anything to do with your parents, and prefer low contact with all, that some contact with the new child and your father wasn't out of the question. I apologize for becoming confused. You're very clear - you want what's best for yourself and your baby. The triggering needs to stop.

A quote from something you said in reply: "It is unhealthy to have to constantly vent about something that constantly triggers you."

I agree. Therefore, why wait until later to give the letter? If you wait, part of your energy will be taken with it rather than all of your energy being focused on your good health, happiness and calm for your own and the baby's sake -

 

[HëllaBubz]

I was in total denial of the on going emotional abuse that was still occurring, he couldn't miss what he never had.

My thoughts exactly.

as it turned out that every single time, the "change" of behaviour was no real change, but an adaption of her behaviour to make me believe she had changed and to let her back in. As soon as she was back in she was back to her own normal -- which had me cut her off again.

This is why I'm making the choice to terminate my father, and have it hanging over anyone else's head should they decide to start the forcing the topic again.

By delaying it, by letting my mother back in several times, I think now, in hindsight, I actually increased the pain, hurt, desperateness, etc.

Yes, and I've had enough pain. And I've said many times in the past, there is nothing that makes me more annoyed than wasted potential in humans and animals. And if I choose to stick around my family, I'll be performing sub-par, no doubt about it.

The pain that had come with the cutting off was there for a long while, but the pain that had been present by the abuse was gone.

Yes, I'm expecting that, but I think it will be worth it.

something in your original post ^ led me to believe you were thinking about allowing your parents to meet the baby once

that although you don't want to have anything to do with your parents, and prefer low contact with all, that some contact with the new child and your father wasn't out of the question.

Sorry. My question is whether or not I should suck up the consequences and let them see the baby, or should I ignore niceties and think about myself.
It is a horrible thing when taking care of yourself is such a hard task.

Therefore, why wait until later to give the letter? If you wait, part of your energy will be taken with it rather than all of your energy being focused on your good health, happiness and calm for your own and the baby's sake

Thank YOU DMerish. That has truly clarified my thoughts into a sentence.