During two of my past three medical appointments, in the past 4 weeks, I have been asked, how am I feeling, regarding my suicidal ideation levels. I know, they are doing their jobs, in trying to gage me, but honestly, I am nowhere near being suicidal. Yes, I am having passive thoughts, about suicide, which I can control without any extraordinary effort, on my part. Like the white noise, you hear on an old transistor radio, which your parents own, in the 1960s or 1970s.
You would think, after more than 30 years of dealing with suicidal thoughts and attempts, I would know, how my body operates, in this matter. True, I am experiencing elevated levels of anxiety, which I have sought out help, by asking for pharmacological assistant, when they know, I hate taking any type of pills, which is a huge step, for me, to admit to.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 means, an actual suicide attempt, and 1 means, no suicidal ideation, I would rate myself, as 2. My last major suicide event happened, over the holiday seasons of 2010-2011. Almost three years ago, when I had peaked at 9.5, as I was, just one moment away, from an OD, in my apartment. Sadly, I kept this quiet from my doctor, until weeks after the fact, as he read the riot act to me, for the second time, since I started seeing him, in early 2007. Not sure, why I did this, but I did.
Beyond my increased levels of sleeping, I haven’t seen any other signs of depression, which I normally have, with the onset of a depressive episode, for me. No profound outburst of writing, which normally heralds my approaching depression, spontaneous outburst of tears, at the drop of a hat, or the general feeling sad. Yes, I know, the next four months are, a critical period, for me, as my darkest time of the year, next to Canada Day (July 1st), in experiencing depressive events, in my life.
So, how is my recent bout of extreme anxiety, related to depression? I know that both are mood disorders, which my body seems to go off the deep end and isolate myself, when experiencing them. Beyond that, I don’t see the link, between the two of them. What am I missing, here? Could someone clue me, in?
You would think, after more than 30 years of dealing with suicidal thoughts and attempts, I would know, how my body operates, in this matter. True, I am experiencing elevated levels of anxiety, which I have sought out help, by asking for pharmacological assistant, when they know, I hate taking any type of pills, which is a huge step, for me, to admit to.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 means, an actual suicide attempt, and 1 means, no suicidal ideation, I would rate myself, as 2. My last major suicide event happened, over the holiday seasons of 2010-2011. Almost three years ago, when I had peaked at 9.5, as I was, just one moment away, from an OD, in my apartment. Sadly, I kept this quiet from my doctor, until weeks after the fact, as he read the riot act to me, for the second time, since I started seeing him, in early 2007. Not sure, why I did this, but I did.
Beyond my increased levels of sleeping, I haven’t seen any other signs of depression, which I normally have, with the onset of a depressive episode, for me. No profound outburst of writing, which normally heralds my approaching depression, spontaneous outburst of tears, at the drop of a hat, or the general feeling sad. Yes, I know, the next four months are, a critical period, for me, as my darkest time of the year, next to Canada Day (July 1st), in experiencing depressive events, in my life.
So, how is my recent bout of extreme anxiety, related to depression? I know that both are mood disorders, which my body seems to go off the deep end and isolate myself, when experiencing them. Beyond that, I don’t see the link, between the two of them. What am I missing, here? Could someone clue me, in?
